my life through my tinted glasses
Friday, March 24, 2006
  :: Turmoil.. torture... ::

I am in a horrible state now..

it was our 4th Anniversary together, yesterday. Not like it is 4-months kind of anniversary.. but it is 4 YEARS together. I am amazed myself.. 4 years.. should i just let it go.. just like that?

We have been leading individual lives.. for the past 10 months or so.. he lives his life in Taiwan.. mine in singapore. we are just like friends, distance really makes us apart. he is busy with his work, i am busy with mine.. best description.. we lead our own lives.

I have been trying to keep on a closer relationship for the past 9 months. Trying to keep us closer then just friends.. but.. after so long, i have this feeling, that it is unilateral. One way.. sometimes i feel that i am the onli one putting in effort..

the feeling is so tiring.. valentines day.. i was alone.. anniversary.. i was alone too.. next birthday.. i will also be alone.. christmas, new year... all alone.. all these important dates.. i am alone.. dates to be shared with your special someone.. i have to spend it alone... so.. what does it mean to me, to have a BF so far?

At least, some presents will be a nice alternative.. nice surprises.. but he onli brings things back onli when his colleagues or friends come back. it is like.. so rational.. so pragmatic.. onli when it is along the way.. then he will give.. but if no one comes back? i am soo taken for granted.

True.. if i am alone.. so is he... but.. i always tot that guys should do something special for gers.. is it too much an expectation? Probably my expectations are too high... and when high expectations are not being attained.. then.. there comes disappointment. Is it a solution? by lowering expectations?

I have lowered my expectations for the past 2 months. din expect to tell me where he is going.. din expect to let me know wad he is doing.. never expect him to call.. things that GFs usually do.. tracking down BFs.. i din do at all.. just expecting somethings on special days.. is it unusually high expectations too?

Somtimes.. i feel so pressured. I have appear to be happy at home.. to make sure that my family members are not worried.. i have to ensure i perform at work.. and put up a strong front in office.... i dont have a close friend comfortable enough to talk abt matters of the heart, esp when most of them thinks that we are on very stable relationship...

All i can do, is to turn off the lights early.. hug my pillow.. rationalise my tots.. counter-rationalise.. and just let it out.. all things become slightly better after that.. better then being pent up inside..

If i have a sister who can share these things.. how nice it will be...

Stress at work.. emotional turmoil.. both adds together come fatigue.. and that is wad i am experiencing now.

so, now... should i let it go, or hold on to it, hoping to have a miracle? will there be miracles?
  9:42 PM
a life of a NTU girl.. bored with life

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