my life through my tinted glasses
:: on and off :: He was online then he was off... he tried to call, but starhub let him down.. he cant call him... i know he is fustrated.. cant get to communicate to his parents and all.. and i am disappointed. haiz... That's all the time we have with each other.. isnt that scary? Sms does not work because he dont use his phone in the day, and onli switch to his starhub at nite. so wad's the use of me sms him in the day... when i need someone to talk to immediately.. like the case in office last thurs.. i hve no one to turn to.. dear is too far to be contacted.. i felt all alone, because there's no one else whom i can share with.. i know he has his own set of problems over there.. work-related.. home-sick.. cant call thru.. tired... i try my best not to disturb him as far as possible... but.. how am i to cope? its going 3 weeks, things are not moving drastically.. i am book all weekends for aug already.. but will that help? i dont know... mas is getting me to go for their photo outings.. i dun mind.. takes time off my mind too... yh and yl getting me to go out shopping and to go visit megan.. sure! but does that solve the problem? i dunno... i working myself silly.. i am taking option 1.. but i cant konk at nite.. tired.. but alert.. how? well.. working is my avenue of venting my loneliness.. my stress.. my sadness.. with my colleagues around.. mas and aza, and sometimes steve, mr ang and sam, they cheer me up, and take my mind off other things... but i am still worried.. our communication is the bare minimium.. i cant expect too much from dear.. but neither can i surpress my loneliness.. (i think he's more lonely over there) how to last? getting slpy. watch 1 episode of naruto, then i go and slp le.. hope tml will be a better day.... haiz.. meanwhile.. still.. wallow in self pity and depression.. i will be fine tml. the mornings are always beautiful.. nites are cold and lonely.. probably its the same for dear too.. i dunno... haiz..
:: pangs of loneliness :: dunno how to explain this feeling.. even though i am so bz.. running ard because of work or because i am meeting friends for shopping or anything.. i still feel something missing, something is not right.. somewhere... there, i realised i felt lonely.. i dunno y... i am so bz, everyone ard me, joking with me.. i can laugh so hard.. but.. its just onli that moment.. after that.. the rest resume.. i feel lonely again... i am not saying that my friends are not encouraging.. they are.. and they are very concern.. but... its only that much they can do.. the rest its up to me.. i can take it in several directions... 1. make myself so buzy that i konk out everytime i reach home... 2. let myself feel sad all the time.. (silly way) 3. accept it, and carry on with life.. option 3 sounds the most reasonable.. but also the toughest to achieve.. but i think i have to do it, at least for the next 2 years i guess.. 2 years feel so long.. so distance.. so far.. 2 years ago, i was still a first year student, and 2 years later, i graduated.. that is so long... i have to be optimistic.. but let me sink into depression for the time being, before giving myself a pep talk, and carry on with life... till then~
:: had been down laterly :: haiz.. no idea too.. just thinking.. lots of things went thru my head... wad are the things to complete at work? wad are the things i have to rush? Those tots are work related... then there are thots that are non-work related... is 2 years a long time? how long is 2 years? will i have enough money to go over and see him? will our relationship last? will he change? will I change? will our expectations still be the same? will we get a car? blah blah blah... work is getting tiring.. with colleagues leaving the organisation, and i do not have enough time to recruit... work load is piling.. higher and higher.. wad i worry is.. as the work load gets heavier.. some cant take it any longer, and just quit.. haiz.. ****************************** though i had been very bz lately.. so bz that i keep missing my meals.. also on a saving mode.. trying to save as much as possible, that i try to go home and have dinner even though it means having dinner at 10pm... haiz.. think that is y dear's parents think i lost weight.. i dun think i did.. haiz.. even if i had lost weight.. i think its a little.. i mean, it is so weird having dinner by myself outside.. last time dear will have dinner with me.. if we go out.. but, now, before korean class.. no one to have dinner with.. so might as well wait till after korean class, then save money some more.. haiz.. though i started working, but i m broke.. the convo pictures are so expensive.. just bought a camera.. and saving to go overseas with dear.. haiz.. that is y i am trying to save.. not to forget that i am still giving a substantial amount to my family and will have to start paying for my school fees too... haiz.. hope i have enough money to go taiwan.... ************************************* NDP had been horrible.. got lots of things to settle.. lots of things to do.. plus recruitment plus mc talk.. feeling very stressed.. think that is y i sounded weird when dear called me.. haiz.. sometimes i just cant understand myself too.. sometimes its just down.. but y down.. must ask myself again and again.. so i guess this time round, i am just tired.. tired and stress.. so much so that i wanted to take off, i cant.. because the workload is just too much to handle.. if i go on off, then.. there'll be more work.. haiz... sad... ****************************************
