my life through my tinted glasses

2006-07-19T13:00:00.000+08:00

:: October is coming!! ::

did anyone realised that here are 2 public holidays in october?? There is deepavali on 21 oct and hari raya puasa on 24 oct..

and.. that is my best opportunity to go for a vacation!! yeah!

Dear and i decided to go HK.. and it is promised that he will sponsor this trip! and i shall sponsor the Malacca trip via coach.. yeah! good deal! = )

well.. though i was lamenting that October is soo far away.. it is minimally 3 months away..

but.. i was just thinking again.. i should be bz enough in Aug and Sept to keep me mentally occupied till beginning of Oct!

that seems good.. and oct seems to be my lull period as well.. all adds up! just nice.. = )

hope i can last till then... Oct still looks far..

But, have to be positive in life, isnt it? = )

2006-07-19T12:30:00.000+08:00

:: On my second week of course ::

ha ha.. my title is a little ambiguous eh.. watever.. learn too many things about "ambiguity" till i am about to give up..

I gave up my afternoon snack break to search for some lyrics online. And i managed to search for the lyrics of "Superwoman" by 曹格.

i listen to this song for sooo many times, and only today, i knew how touching the lyrics is.
This is part of the lyrics:

early in the morning,
i put breakfast at your table
一夜都没睡但我　不曾如此清醒
我早餐准备了你　爱吃的东西
这次换我等你被咖啡　的香味叫醒

想要找回每天早晨　对我微笑著的你
还能够　做些什麼代替我的歉意
总是望著我　小心翼翼顺著我呼吸
而我竟然理所当然　让你精疲力尽

you were my superwoman
安静的在身边　无条件给我　梦寐以求的温柔
but i am only human
我怎麼不懂你多寂寞残忍的犯了错
不能失去你 ooh—babe---

you fought your way through the rush hour
try to make it home just for me
月光下静静靠著彼此　只求夜长一点
有多久没有好好看你　只是认定了我
无论在什麼时候回头　都有你的笑容
是我忽略了你也会有　想要哭的感觉
没有一种付出应该永远心甘情愿
再给被宠坏的男人最後一次机会
换我忍耐换我等待　不要真的弃权

(---baby)是我把爱想得太简单
以为只要我存在就能让你取暖
心裏唯一的superwoman没有人能代替
不能想像更不能原谅这样让爱化成　灰

if you feel it in your heart and you understand me.
stop right where you are, everybody sing along with me.

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i am able to relate to this immediately.

"而我竟然理所当然　让你精疲力尽 "
Sometimes. we just take things for granted, isnt it? and we are unaware that the other party is too tired giving..

you were my superwoman
安静的在身边　无条件给我　梦寐以求的温柔
but i am only human
我怎麼不懂你多寂寞残忍的犯了错
不能失去你 ooh—babe---
The lyrics is meaningful as well... sometimes, you just dunno there is someone there, providing everything for you.. and take things for granted.. you thought you are ONLY HUMAN... but you forget that she is also human, who may be lonely, and needs your understanding.. we tend to make these mistakes.. and the truth and pain only comes, when you realise that you are almost losing her..

"是我忽略了你也会有　想要哭的感觉没有一种付出应该永远心甘情愿 "
Sometimes, i found that i try to hard my feelings so much, that i also neglected the need to cry.. sometimes, there is no need to be strong all the time, and it is ok to let it off, and just cry... sometimes, as part of the "woman" life, we tend to just give and give.. but.. there is nothing that you can give forever, you have to receive it, so that you can recuperate...

After re-reading the lyrics, i realise, this song, is not only for your other partner in life, such as wife or GF, but dont you agree that it is also applicable to your mum?

She provides all for you, makes breakfast for you, or minimally, ensure you have breakfast ready before you go to work.. rush home to make dinner for the family.. she takes care of the family, like a superwoman..

But do you noticed that she is giving that much? only when she is too tired, when she is falling sick.. when there are possibility that you will be losing her soon.. then you start to take notice of how much she gives, and start apprecating the things she provided for.

Hmm.. food for thought.. though i think this song is meant for lovers, but i find it specially applicable to my mum.. (at least)...

2006-07-14T09:38:00.000+08:00

:: very free ::

Nope i am not on leave, yes it is 9.30am, yes it is a friday... i am just "ON COURSE".. better still, this time round, they provide laptops on individual tables with internet connection.. cool?

The rest are just having breakfast that is provided outside.. and class will onli start at 9.50? i am still considered early even though i arrived onli at 915.. ke ke..

well, have always wanted to blog abt my belated birthday "surprises"...

M just msg me at 0004 on 11 Jul wishing me a happy birthday.. was just joking with her if she did it delibrately or accidentally (she wanted to sms me at 1159 on 10 jul) ha ha.. then was just lamenting that the rest did not even bother to sms..

then the next morn.. somehow, our Ms CO suddenly sms me a belated birthday msg! and ask me if i wan to go birthday shopping with her.. pengs! ask me to buy my own present! Mr SK too.. asking me to be good? ha ha.. cute! and what is most interesting, is A called me.. during his office hours.. *HAHA* and sang me a belated birthday song (well, he claims he sang it with a belated birthday, rather then jsut birthday.. i was just too busy laughing that i couldnt hear properly)..

well.. thanks to all for ur msg and song... it did really make my 23rd birthday more complete! ha haz..

well, since i mentioned abt birthday song, i have to specially mention that my dear bf is the FIRST one to sing me a birthday song.. on the 10th! even before my family.. kudos to him.. ke ke..

anyway.. i am very free on saturday.. this coming one.. that is tml.. anyone has good programmes to share? JIO ME!

till then~

2006-07-10T22:30:00.000+08:00

:: An unique weekend ::

It was such a unique weekend.. enjoyed myself thoroughly...

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Saturday 080706

It was our Ex Ubin trip. Though the turn out was lesser then expected.. onli the 6 of us turned up for the excursion.. but it is still as memorable...

We were all late, except for V and CC. They were there the earliest, with CC buying 2 loaves of raisin bread.. with the kind thought that we will be hungry during the trip, and we may want to hve it. (but onli W had it.. the rest was fed to the fishes.. in a pond.. hmmm.. though CO did bite a piece.. ) i arrived slightly later, then came S and CO. W was the last to arrive, and was sought to taking a cab to changi and meet us there instead..

I thought i was dead, crammed in between 2 couples.. argh.. but.. well.. it din turn out ot be too bad.. though i did miss dear throughout the trip.. possible scenes of us cycling together passed me by most of the time.. well.. its okie.. we will have more trips together...

cycling all round ubin wasnt easy.. there were slopes ALL around.. and of course.. CO was complaining throughout.. (expected) but we all enjoyed the down slope.. there were times where i couldnt make it at all, and has to push my bike all the way up the slope.. but V will always be at the back, ensuring that all of us are doing ok.

Actually, i was pretty impressed by V's gestures. Though it is CO who is always at the back and not CC, but.. he was at the back most of the time, to ensure that no one drop out, and was left behind. That is something my dear cant do.. and has to be reminded.. ha ha.. i am very impressed by his maturity.. CC is blessed.. ha ha..

Well, we stop by many places, most temples.. and some nice scenery of the quarry.. nice to just sit there and rest and enjoy the scenery..

It ended by ard 5pm plus.. then we went off to the new Newton Circles for dinner..

Went home with tired legs.. soo tired that i fell aslp almost immediately..

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Sunday 090706

Woke up late, after a late night of soccer.. Dint catch all, snippets here and there..

had breakfast, and we headed down to queensway shopping centre.. well, i thought there will not be anyone.. but queensway was packed with pple.. i was stunned!

I bought a pair of running shoes, and a jacket.. and my brother bought a t-shirt.. wow.. though it is just 3 items.. we took ard.. 3 hours to get it all done... Well, i have to applaud my brother to have patience to shop with me.. ha ha.. it took quite some time to buy my shoes and jacket.. and he din complain! wow.. my brother is a SNAG man..

get to my granddad's place.. and my grandfather was bored.. becos my uncles were not there to play with him.. so, the younger generation was deployed instead.. so, me, my brother and my cousin was playing with my grandfather.. it took us 4 hours! Longer then the previous time i played with A, S and C. ha ha.. my grandad was just tooo cautious.. or maybe he can read tiles better then us! We may be just ignorant! He is very observant.. he seems to know which card you want, and he will not release the card! Interested game! and it ended at ard 12.30am! ha ha.. sooo late..

went home.. well, it is into the 10th already.. so my family was there to wait for us to be back to blow my cake! So sweet.. my mum and youngest bro waited for us to be back.. it was ard 1am plus by then..

watched soccer.. on and off.. sometimes when it is interesting, will sit up and watch.. and after a while, just dozed off.. too bad France lost.. and sad ending for Zidane.. haiz.. France players look so upset.. haiz.. my heart goes out to them..

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Monday 100783

The day is here.. many of my friends wished me birthday greetings...

Vincent was one of the first.. YX too.. My insurance agent (maybe he wants more business from me.. ha ha).. my god-sis... Uma.. WB.. SJ and Chiam.. Even my ex-Boss remembers!! ha ha.. that is just so nice. Though there werent a lot of pple wishing me ... but.. i am glad that there are at least some pple who remembers..

At ard 10am plus.. i received a phone call stating that there is something for me.. and asked me which room in NIE i was in.. as i was still in class, i was unable to ask in details, but just give the room number and block.. after that i became suspicious.. i was thinking if dear will send me flowers.. and i din really wan the whole class to "wow" at me when i receive the flowers.. so i called back and enquired what was the item.. (and they introduced themselves as "courier services") well, they mentioned that their driver has not received the item, and is not sure what the item is.. stating that they are just the delivery centre.. or something.. then.. when i asked who was the sender.. they apparently managed to skip the question as well.. hmm.. then it set me off thinking if it is still flowers, or is it just something else...

i wasnt paying attention in class at all.. everytime someone opens the door, i will look out, and was very distracted throughout the whole day.. well, class ended at 1600 hrs.. and the "thing" is still not here yet.. so i guess, better call and get them to send home.. becos i dun wan to wait in school.. so.. called and get them to send to my house instead..

At ard 5pm.. they send it to my place.. and "WALA" it is a bouquet of flowers.. 25 of yellow roses.. (dear says he send yellow roses becos he send red roses before.. hmm.. i wonder if there are any meaning to the colour of the flowers.. but i couldnt care less..) was very touched.. emotional when i recieved it.. it was a pleasant surprise..

Noticed that on the remarks section of the delivery order, was.. "NIE. PLS DO NOT REVEAL ITEM & SENDER, AND TRY TO GO BY 4PM. RECIPIENT IS ON COURSE. PLS CALL JOANNE." then i understand.. .. ha ha.. it is a real pleasant surprise! thank you dear!

*******************************************

well.. thought it is not an exciting birthday.. but.. i guess.. the effort counts.. dear couldnt be with me.. but he send flowers.. my family waited for me to blow the birthday cake.. friends send in blessings.. well.. just reminds me that i still have friends and pple who loves me.. that counts..

I did not set any expectations for my birthday.. i just spend the rest of the day at home.. well.. birthday comes and goes.. i shouldnt set such high expectations that will end me with me upset instead.. right?

For now, i am a happy ger. Thank you everyone!! = )

********************************************

There is one thing to celebrate for.. It has been a year since dear is overseas. 1 year and 1 day already.. well.. half the battle is fought and won.. i hope we wil continue to fight togther for the other half of the battle.. another 12 - 14 more months to go, before he comes back for good..

And maybe 4 more months before we see each other again.. maybe during October.. the peak holiday period.. hope he can come back.. or i can go over.. or we can go somewhere together..

till then~

2006-07-04T21:58:00.000+08:00

:: World Cup FEVA ::

Well, it is definately the World Cup Fever... thinking of catching the Germany vs Italy match later.. home i can wake up in time man..

Watching soccer with a group of friends who dare to make noise kind is fun.. when all shout "goal!!" together, and sigh in disappointment together.. when all says that the referee KAYU ah.. and when there's analytical explanation of the teams' tactic.. it is quite fun..

playing mahjong after an exciting soccer match is even more fun.. ha ha.. playing with 2 slow beginners.. we almost fell aslp.. ha ha.. but.. i did won some more.. just $7.. well.. it pays off the drinks i paid earlier.. ha ha

when i say slow... it is reallllyyy sssllloooww... like 5 mins to decide which card to throw.. or.. throw the wrong card.. and make lots of noise so that we can trace back our moves.. and i have to pay becos we trace back our moves.. argh.. ha ha.. but it was so farni then.. think it is still farni when recalling it..

but after the morning mahjong, i slept through the weekend. feeling so tired.. but.. i still had fun... lets have another round this friday! before we go Ubin! ha haz

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well.. work is starting to pick up in office.. have quite somethings to do.. that is GOOD! my previous organisation trained me to be a workaholic sia.. ha haz.. well.. i am so glad that i have things to do.. that i am making myself useful..

and as i am getting busier.. i have to go for a 2 weeks or rather, 10 days course.. haiz.. and right smack before a course i am organsing.. now.. have to think of how to cope with both.. haiz.. SAFTI is not like a commercial building in Shenton Way.. if it is so convenient, it will be great! BUT.. it requires quite a distance in.. and if i wish to return after course.. it will be so inconvenient.. need to have a car in order to do things more efficiently.. now considering if i should go to camp early.. before course, to clean up some stuff.. so that i can go for course peacefully.. or i should go back after course.. well, consequences being: 1. no transport in.. even if i take a cab in, they may not wan to bring me in becos it is sooo troublesome to change a pass... 2. if i come in late.. there is no transport out.. ARGH.. all boils down to transport.. haiz.. sooo troublesome.. 3. i will be alone in office.. err.. i think i prefer the morning.. ha haz..

well, though i am getting busier.. but time pass faster.. and there is something to look forward to.. = ) so i am not complaining!

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think i better rest so that i can catch the match! = )

2006-06-25T22:02:00.000+08:00

:: Blank ::

Nothing's on my mind.. Just nothing.. hmmm..

Well.. life is pretty the same... still going for courses... but now are better course and they are relevant to my work.. for now.. i feel i am more or less equipped with the skills to start working (oh yah.. though i started work 1.5 months ago, i havent really started working.. ha ha.. contradicting eh.. ) well.. i am raring to go.. before my engines run for too long, and start to get bored with work..

hmm.. nothing serious to blog on.. so these are all random thoughts..

thoughts on how should i spend my weekends more effectively.. well.. these few weekends have been staying at home.. watching tv... drama serials.. anime.. movies.. anything to do with the tv.. feeling like a couch potato.. getting fat.. so i thought i shld get on and do some exercise.. like.. swimming, jogging and cycling.. i started with swimming.. average of 35 laps per swim.. after swimming is shiok man.. go home and slp immediately.. hahaz. well.. looking forward to start with jogging.. probably by the end of this week.. when my friend help me to redeem a pair of running shoes from e-mart.. probably i will start jogging then.. for cycling.. it is a little tough, as i do not have a bike to start with. was thinking of getting dear's one, but his family is using it.. so.. well.. cant really take from pple's house just like that right? so.. maybe i can start with biathalon.. and trithalon can wait. ha haz.. talking big eh..

Thoughts on when i can visit dear again in taiwan... a big question mark.. as i dunno how available i am.. i dunno when are my peak (actually i do.. and it seems forever for now.. with 3 guys ORD-ing.. and the 3 officers in my branch take on duties for a branch of 6) .. so i dunno when i can go over.. pretty sad isnt it? hmmm.. life alone isnt easy.. requires lots of mental strength. i always believe, that with mutual trust and mutual understanding.. and lots of putting-urself-in-his-shoes scenario helps.. sometimes we just see things from our perspective.. when we actually start to empathsize with the other party... there will be less self-pity.. i hope i can stand by this principle as long as i can.. humans being humans.. they are just selfish isnt it? Needs lots of effort to be less selfish, and start thinking of other pple's needs...

Thoughts on... my birthday.. ha haz.. pretty self-centred eh.. well.. just curious.. what will happened? it is my second birthday, alone without dear with me.. and there will be one more.. in 2007. what will happened? will it be just another day in the office.. doing my work.. going home.. and slp.. just another day.. shall not think and dwell too much into it.. trying to force that thought out... come to think of it, expecting that day to pass like any other normal day.. will be good.. set ur expectation low, and everything will come as a surprise..

thoughts on.. why did i spend $19.00 to watch Over The Hedge with my brother.. after much talk with my friends and saying it is a good show.. i decided to spend the money to watch with my brother today.. but to find it.. okie.. so-so.. but i would say it is terrific show to teach young children.. what is trust.. what is friendship.. what is selfishness.. what is loyalty.. what is wrong.. and what is right.. lots of things to learn.. probably it will be good for presentation.. to highlight a specific point... well.. i agree that $19.00 is a little steep.. but in exchange for time spend with my brother.. and also.. to think that he doesnt have much opportunity to watch movies.. guess it is just for me to bring him there...

thoughts on.. why didnt i go catch soccer with the other guys.. it is an ENGLAND match! haiz.. but bad timing.. no one, other then my brother is at home.. i can just imagine him alone at home.. on a Sunday.. 1 day before school reopens.. pretty sad isnt it.. i can just start to feel what a empty home is like.. it just takes me 1 night to feel it. It was a thursday night.. My elder bro is in his unit.. my youngest bro has a school camp.. my dad went for his chi gong lesson and my mum was working. it was just me at home.. the house was sooo quite.. i was pretty lost, and it din help that i reach home by 5pm as my course ended early.. wanted to jog, but no jogging shoes... wanted to swim. but pretty lazy with the pool so far away.. so.. ended up slping.. it was then, i realise.. loneliness can be pretty scary isnt it.. if dear is still in singapore then, probably i wun be stuck at home.. but.. the fact is.. he is not... yeah.. he is not.. have to live with that fact..

thoughts on.. whether dear is happy over there... sometimes i think being able to work overseas for 2 years.. and in ROC.. is pretty interesting.. if i was given the chance to do that, i will grab the opportunity immediately.. so i dun really take to heart that dear just left for 2 years like that.. it took me some time to see from that perspective.. took me lots of effort to force myself from thinking in that direction.. if not, i would just go into blaming mode.. and start questioning.. why did he just leave me like that.. well.. i have to remind myself most of the time that.. if i am given the same chance, what will i do? and most likely.. my answer will be to go, definately.. hence.. i concluded that.. if he is happy.. i will be happy for him too.. if i threaten to break up, just becos he is going overseas.. he may stay.. but.. he wun be happy.. isnt it? so, it is better for me to let him go.. experience what he wants to experience.. and if he wants to come back.. he will come back... so that, in years to come.. he wun lament that he actually gave away the chance of working overseas when he is given one... i will feel worse that way...

thoughts on.. marriage.. ha ha.. scary isnt it? my dad's cousin's daughter is getting married.. they came over to pass my parents the invitation card earlier this morning.. ha ha.. start to think.. is it the time where all my friends will start to get married soon? Well.. we have a mutual friend, planning to get married next year.. pple ard me are starting to plan their future.. leading me to think that.. should is start thinking of my future too? My dad is starting to think of my future for me.. goodness! thinking that i shld get my masters now.. so that.. when dear is overseas for 1 more year.. i wun be wasting my time.. and by the time i finish my MBA.. i would be in time for marriage.. ha ha ha.. great plan i would say.. just that.. i dun have the qualifications to.. MBA requires min. 2 years of working experience before i can even enrol.. guess my dad is too eager.. dear's parents are also thinking of the number of tables we need.. ha ha ha.. that was just a joke la.. i mean.. they just brought it up in a joking manner.. but the fact is: they are thinking! and the joke is: everyone is thinking.. but not US.. funny isnt it? haiz..

Thoughts on.. what do i want to address the commander on commander's parade.. all new comers will have to be introduced to the school.. he specifically asked for a few questions. 1. self introduction. 2. previous unit and appointment and what did u learn there.. 3. what do you wish to introduce to the school. 4. what do u wish to contribute / gain from the experience here.. well well.. i dunno how to answer question 2 itself.. it is on friday.. so i better think hard..

haiz.. wow.. that is a lot of thots isnt it? i tot i have nothing to talk abt.. ha haz..

2006-06-03T19:08:00.000+08:00

:: HOT saturday afternoon ::

IT IS SOOO HOT TODAY! i was perspiring ever since i woke up, even with the fan going at full steam...

Did not do much today. Just hanging out at home.. watching "Da Chang Jing" with my family and eating KFC.. well, though it is not very exciting and adventurous, but i find this moment a blessing, where the whole family, just sits in front of the TV, and joke around... i find this a blessing, and should be treasured.

Just last thursday, went out with Mas, Hariana, Aza, Syahrul, Wengtat and Eugenie to have dinner at Seoul Garden.. was laughing my hearts out.. though i did not eat much.. (sorta waste my money eh) but i had good company... (i learn this from Dear.. spend the money.. though you may not feel worth it.. but just take it that you are paying for the company that u will be having.. that is priceless). Like seeing Victor, Shuan and Melvin outside, but did not come in because they are not having dinner with us.. us, trying to feed them food.. etc.. After dinner, went to walk around.. went to Esplanade sit down and talk cock.. talking about the left-breast pocket joke.. talking about the uncle breakdancing.. crapish la.. I enjoyed the evening.. Thank you guys for the company..

Well, it is already 3 weeks into my new job.. so far so good.. went for course with the B & E instructors.. they are a cool bunch of pple man! Had fun going for course with them.. they are just simply farni pple.. learnt a lot of things from pple all over the organisation.. Like LOAC, AAW, Powerboating, how to play super mario, etc...

Learn all the "xiao ming" jokes (ie: chinese jokes), entertained sex-content jokes (ie: why is a ship name after women... because they are always wet at the bottom... PENGZ!)... well well.. i wun say it is the best culture in the world.. but i would say.. if these things are harmless (ie: wun get anyone hurt), i am okie with it.. if i shun these remarks.. i cant adapt isnt it? ke ke, but it is farni..

learn to drink a little. Had a half-pint of hoegarden yesterday while with them.. start to enjoy beer. used to hate it.. but, a chilled beer on a hot day.. really good. of course.. not saying that alcohols are good.. but a little doesnt harm isnt it?

Something i dislike a lot, is the frequency they are smoking... everytime they have a break, they will have to go for their smoking break. and when they come in, they bring along a strong stench of 2nd hand smoke! think i will just die of 2nd hand smoke though i dont smoke. i think their believe is: since i am going to die of lung cancer due to 2nd hand smoke, then might as well join them right? Pretty silly isnt it?

I can adapt.. i will join, but i do have to think before i join any activity... i do yearn for company, and do hope to join in the group at times... BUT.. have to be rational at times... silly to go into smoking... so.. those who smokes, please give it up...

Something i discovered during the course.. well, during the course, i have to give 2 presentations to teach something you like.. i dun have anything really passionate about.. so i chose origami... i had good critics for my presentation, and 1 of the trainers, actually encouraged me to be a trained as a trainer.. i did have that notation in me.. call it a "calling".. one day on my way home.. i was just thinking.. y not? i enjoyed the whole process.. and i enjoy sharing information with pple.. so, why not.. And the trainers did mention that i have a natural flair in presentation.. and he cant imagine, with experience and exposure, how much better i can be. I felt inspired.. suddenly, i know what i want to do in life.. to be train as a trainer.. where i am now, is good.. and will look into areas that can help me to built my credentials... Just feel good.. that i know what i want in life... And it will be good if i can train in the youth sector. my passion..

And i realised, that my foundation was built well at heartware... i used to be fierce and unfriendly, till heartware or rather, Mas thought me how to get close to pple, and how to get them to work for u.. be personal and sincere.. that really helped me..

Heartware also gave me the opportunity to speak to pple, in proper english.. with Raymond's good american english, it gives me a good foundation to begin with. Now at my workplace, the standard of spoken english is horrible.. and with my spoken english, i actually gained some respect from some of them.. just because i speak well.. and now, when pple speak in horrible, grammatical english.. i find it irritating.. It is a day-to-day thing that, if i did not immerse myself in a good environment to begin with.. i will not be able to achieve what i achieved today.. (though it is not a lot.. )

Ha ha.. these days.. i have lesser expectations.. for example.. i learn to be thankful of what i have today.. then to ask for more materialistic things..

i am thankful that i have a happy family (included extended families), all healthy and happy...

i am thankful that i have Dear with me.. though he is still so far away, and did not run away with other women.. which is so easily done with some other guys..

i am thankful that i have 2 friends with me during my course.. and accompanied me to lunch..

i am thankful that these 2 friends of mine, introduced me to other friends in the course

i am thankful to have a good boss.. and everyone tells me that i have a good boss... and i know i have a good boss...

i am thankful to have a group of caring colleagues with me.. who are friendly and helped me adjust to the life in SAFTI

i am thankful that i have a group of friends in Heartware.. who is always available for me whenever i am down.. who can come out for gatherings often.. and never fail to tickle me...

i am thankful that i have a group of HR friends, that i still kept in contact with.. who always included me in their gathering.. very thankful

i am thankful to have my god-sisters around.. and keeping in contact...

i am thankful.. and i learn to treasure... friends out there.. start to count ur blessings before it is too late...

2006-05-14T16:05:00.000+08:00

:: End of holiday ::

yes, it is going to be the end of my vacation. Started clearing leave on 2nd May onwards.. and now.. it is already 14th May. Last day at HW is 15th May, and starting work at my new place on 16th May.

Exciting eh. Starting work at a new place. Have to get to know new pple, get to know my superiors and how they work, get to understand the culture and organisation structure. Many new things to learn. Somehow i am having mixed feelings. Excited to get a new job and environment, hesitant and nervous to step out of my comfort zone and venture. Well, i guess it cant be avoided. Just have to pray hard that everything goes smoothly, and i can cope well. It is a all-guys environment. No more gossipping and bitching ard with gers. ha haz..

Also, we just came back from holiday at Krabi, Thailand. It is a good getaway. 4D3N together is good time together. We went rock-climbing (0.5 days), Snorkelling (1 Day) and Kayaking (0.5 Day). It is a trip filled with activities. Scenary is good and refreshing. Air at the mangrove is fresh, and feeding monkeys is such close encounter with nature. Good trip.

Well, Dear will be leaving for Taiwan (again) in less then 24 hours. This time round, it is not so well plan as per previous trips. Previously, before he leaves, i will get a gauge on when we will be meeting each other again. But now, the next time i will be seeing him will be January 2007. That is pretty far away isnt it? that is 8 months away. Was just chatting and shared that we cant last 8 months away from each other. 4 months is bad enough. So, probably maybe in sept / oct, we may have to arrange a trip to somwhere. Best if i can go Taiwan together with the cadets in October. Then we can save a trip together. Well, plans are plans. It is not cast in stone. Maybe, sometimes due to unforseen circumstances, the timeline cant be fufilled. Especially this time round, with me in the new job, dunno if can take leave or not. This will be more tragic isnt it? Haiz..

Dear just told me he will onli be back in Aug / Sept 2007. Sianz. that is another 17 months away. (how come the number of months away is consistent at 17 months? in Jan, i counted, also 17 months... haiz) guess, the onli way around this is to be positive. I learn to put this phrase in my head, and it has helped me to feel better these days:

"If you love the person, you have to set him free."

Guess it is pretty true. If he really wans to go back to Taiwan, forcing him to stay in Singapore is not going to do the relationship any good. so well, though it is hardship and pain to maintain a long-distance relationship, guess that is the onli way to go? just have to hold on, and put in extra effort TOGETHER. Isnt it?

Well, will be looking forward for the next trip, either for me to go over, or him coming home. Hope it will not be too long away....

2006-04-25T21:17:00.000+08:00

:: change of environment ::

My work place will not be the one i use to know.. by July.. i guess, it will be a whole new environment.

With the new pple in.. some up to speed.. some still lost.. the old feeling will not be there any more...

no more "amacam" with Mas... no more Aza going "eh.. you 2 very noisy eh..." .. no more Mr Ang going.. "ger.. u forget to do this again, hor.."... no more steve... "what for you stir ur own shit?"..

I will miss these familiar conversation exchanges...

The "Wah! Boss.. so punctual today ah!" then see boss sheepishly going upstairs... the secret msn-ing of.. Kopi Koh.. and whiney Tan... (Ha ha.. mas will understand this.. ke ke).. the going up of stairs to collect some stuff... dropping of basket on Aza's head.. and throwing of keys to Mas upstairs.. the simpang bedok sessions.. and Steve's horrible email full of grammatical errors.. and his explaination is "F*CK it la.. they get the idea can already wad.." that beng.. and of course.. that beng's interview session is still the joke of the town.. and Carol's depleting of Karma Bank.. EH! WHEN U WANT TO COME AND TOP-UP UR KARMA BANK AH!

MEMORIES.... memories...

Cant be helped right? i am there since end of 2001... and now.. i gues.. i am 4.5 years old with Heartware.. time flies isnt.. and to think that i grew up with Heartware... with Raymond, Sharon, Elaine, Mas, the 4 boys.. (who still makes fun of the first day they saw me), Tim, Serene Koh, Syahrul (finally managed to spell his name properly), Jon.. blah.. blah.. and the volunteers during decemeber events (the longest event.. and the place where we met most of our volunteers.. and eventually.. friends..)

I wonder if the pple there will miss us... i believe i will get withdrawl syndrome... no longer working in a small office.. that has no control over punctuality.. (oops... i admit.. i am always late, but i am an EXECUTIVE!)

I will miss all the things there.. the morning smell of "steam fish" though i think it may be curry.. the office space.. the morning mad rush of train.. the cannot wake up feeling in the morning.. and receiving Mas's sms at 8am.. say she wants to take time-off.. how ah... and also receiving Mas's sms at 8.59am.. saying that she will be LATER then usual.. HA ha..

the crossing of traffic light.. to see Mas catching up with me.. and i go "darn.. i am damn late.. to meet u.. ke ke ke.." or see someone else across the street and try to walk as slowly as possible so not to catch up with them... and seeing mas.. also siam-ing the same person...

the food.. hong lim's crayfish horfun.. and vegetarian bee hoon and duck noodle.. and soya bean with me and mas looking in disgust when the soya bean drink flowed through the uncle's fingers.. yucks! People's Park - Tang Yuan.. Banquet's fish soup.. Golden Shoe's Nasi Lemak.. Juice Station's Fruit Watermelon Juice... and of course.. Boss usual lunch order of "boneless Chicken rice + 2 fruit juice + 2 slice of fruits.. not diced.. "

Memories... cool fond ones.. like less KTV sessions after work.. less plays after work.. less accesible Simpang Bedok / Chompang sessions - eh.. actually ah.. Chompang more accessible for me eh.. ke ke ke

Memories of going out with volunteers... meeting the boys for movie.. going to Apple store.. going to cold storage at North Point, giving Mas the dog food.. because the tag line goes... "i have to give the best to my best friend".. and mas taking 5 minutes to choose the bread she needs for tml's sandwich.. which she did not wake up in time to do... sessions in Aza's place.. playing "crocodile" and volleyball.. with Cindy giving me advice where to buy good bikinis at a cheap price.. going for a spectacle outing after mctalk to realise that it is more of contact lenses.. and trying out all sorts of specs.. and having SUBWAY at the end... days with the volunteers are fun.. and i guess.. they need pple of the same frequency.. to keep them in heartware.. to ask them to come back for more..

I will go on and on... and never end.. but really sad to leave that place... i will miss that place...

i will go back.. on a voluntary basis.. if i have time..

This blog goes out to all volunteers and ex-staff of my organisation. = ) (Ermm.. u all know who NOT to invite to my blog eh.. ke ke.. *HINT*)

Wish u all the best in ur future endeavours! Keep in touch.. must jio me out eh! = )

2006-04-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

：：　真矛盾　：：

明明是想着人家，为什么还要硬撑呢？

硬撑的结果又如和呢？我赢了吗？我会开心，会更快乐吗？

未必喔。。。

这么一来，两败俱伤，没人获得好处啊。

这我也很清楚，但就是死要面子，不想去承认我想他。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

为什么要问自己为什么在想他呢？想这他不是一个很自然的事吗？

想一个我喜欢的人，不是天经地义的是吗？为什么要问为什么？

把自己的思想搞得那么矛盾，搞得那么复杂，又有什么好处呢？

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

但，他呢？

他也在想这我吗？还是只是我一相情愿呢？

我是不是在守这一个只有我的恋情吗？我一个人守这一个单角恋。。。

嘿。。。　为什么那么有感触呢？

2006-04-04T23:46:00.000+08:00

:: Thought-proking.. ::

Just read a chinese blog.. like the way she wrote it.. almost poetic.. but at least, understandable for my level..

was just listening to wang li hong's song, 你不在。

越听越感到悲感。　为什么那么了解我的心呢，把我的内心世界的感觉都描写得那么逼真。

尤其他所描写的：

“你不在，高兴还是悲哀，你都不在　”

当你开心或难过时，都没人理会的感觉又如何呢？

开心没人和你分享，难过没人和你承担的日子，可真是不好受。

“我受了伤在偷偷好起来，但你不在”

太逼真了，每当受到了伤害，都是自己承担，自己承受。他知道，了解吗？他不在。

“一個人分飾兩角的戀愛 ”

一人并时接纳两人的爱，怎么分？不会累吗？每次都在为他和为自己辩护。每次都为他辩护，帮他找借口，安慰自己。他呢？不在。

嘿。。。

2006-03-24T21:42:00.000+08:00

:: Turmoil.. torture... ::

I am in a horrible state now..

it was our 4th Anniversary together, yesterday. Not like it is 4-months kind of anniversary.. but it is 4 YEARS together. I am amazed myself.. 4 years.. should i just let it go.. just like that?

We have been leading individual lives.. for the past 10 months or so.. he lives his life in Taiwan.. mine in singapore. we are just like friends, distance really makes us apart. he is busy with his work, i am busy with mine.. best description.. we lead our own lives.

I have been trying to keep on a closer relationship for the past 9 months. Trying to keep us closer then just friends.. but.. after so long, i have this feeling, that it is unilateral. One way.. sometimes i feel that i am the onli one putting in effort..

the feeling is so tiring.. valentines day.. i was alone.. anniversary.. i was alone too.. next birthday.. i will also be alone.. christmas, new year... all alone.. all these important dates.. i am alone.. dates to be shared with your special someone.. i have to spend it alone... so.. what does it mean to me, to have a BF so far?

At least, some presents will be a nice alternative.. nice surprises.. but he onli brings things back onli when his colleagues or friends come back. it is like.. so rational.. so pragmatic.. onli when it is along the way.. then he will give.. but if no one comes back? i am soo taken for granted.

True.. if i am alone.. so is he... but.. i always tot that guys should do something special for gers.. is it too much an expectation? Probably my expectations are too high... and when high expectations are not being attained.. then.. there comes disappointment. Is it a solution? by lowering expectations?

I have lowered my expectations for the past 2 months. din expect to tell me where he is going.. din expect to let me know wad he is doing.. never expect him to call.. things that GFs usually do.. tracking down BFs.. i din do at all.. just expecting somethings on special days.. is it unusually high expectations too?

Somtimes.. i feel so pressured. I have appear to be happy at home.. to make sure that my family members are not worried.. i have to ensure i perform at work.. and put up a strong front in office.... i dont have a close friend comfortable enough to talk abt matters of the heart, esp when most of them thinks that we are on very stable relationship...

All i can do, is to turn off the lights early.. hug my pillow.. rationalise my tots.. counter-rationalise.. and just let it out.. all things become slightly better after that.. better then being pent up inside..

If i have a sister who can share these things.. how nice it will be...

Stress at work.. emotional turmoil.. both adds together come fatigue.. and that is wad i am experiencing now.

so, now... should i let it go, or hold on to it, hoping to have a miracle? will there be miracles?

2006-03-04T21:27:00.000+08:00

:: Boring .. ::

Boring saturday.. just recoved from a sudden bout of fever.. (i wonder how come all my fevers come suddenly without notice..) haha... well.. got better.. felt better.. just feel as if i slept for a very long time.. haha...

Dear did call me and asked how am i.. glad that i am still in his mind.. and he bothered to call me up to check how am i... thank you dear! i am better already...

well.. it has been quite sometime after i last blogged.. well.. making some changes to my life.. stepping out of my comfort zone.. and trying out something new.. i hope i can get it.. if i can.. i will disclose what is it all about..

and well.. last sat.. went to youth.sg launch.. well.. it is free, isnt it.. just went in to take a look.. elaine was the emcee there as well.. so we went to support her.. the launch is okie.. emcee tried very hard to entertain and engage the audience.. hard work i would say... after that we went to have dinner at sakae sushi... steve and carol joined us later.. well.. we chatted.. dear called me and told me some bad news.. well.. i shall not dwell on it further.. i m also quite sure dear dun wan to mention it again.. the reason y i brought it up again, is because when i went back to the restaurant, steve asked how come my face changed... that brought me to think deeper...

i think dear's problem sub-conciously affected me as well... at that point, as i feel very far away... i dunno how to cheer dear up.. that affected me as well i guess.. but not to the extend that it was shown.. i din know i show it.. it must be sub-concious...

well.. after that we returned to MOS again.. to venture into the other rooms.. well.. took some drinks.. i guess it is cosmopolitian.. someting that is mixed with vodka.. hmm.. not bad.. vodka taste very strong.. haha.. and after that.. we went down to the dance floor to have some fun.. haha.. cool...

i promised to blog about the MOS day.. and i did.. mas did not update hers.. hmph.. haha.. but i guess she is very bz eh.. shall not disturb her..

i hope this gang of friends will not disband.. and continue to meet up, even if we are no longer in the same organisation..

2006-02-12T20:58:00.000+08:00

:: happy thoughts ::

was reading through my blogs, and realised that i blogged down sad stuff instead of happy ones.. so probably those period when i did not blog.. it means that i am going on well.. haha.. assumption...

well.. so i thought.. albeit sad or happy.. i should blog it down.. because it is still part of my memories.. i dun wan to have one of these days when i read my blogs and realise i have a sad life.. i wan to have a happy life.. = )

well... i think i am blessed to have a group of good friends with me.. at work.. and at play... yesterday.. we went on a competition.. explorally.. organised by total defence.. well well.. it was fun to play.. though we din win (at it is costly because of petrol and all..) but it is a good way to spend a saturday! haha.. get to know each other better.. though sometimes we feel like "smacking" one another.. but it is fun! Get to know some of my friends better.. albeit strength or weaknesses... haha..

well.. this group of colleagues cum friends helped me to ease back to life whenever dear is away from me.. we go out on supper.. gossip about work.. think of strategy to improve teamwork.. talk about matters of the heart.. at least i have someone to talk to when i am down... so.. well well.. will treasure them.. and hope to keep in touch for long period of time..

come to think of it.. i have many good friends around.. the 7 gers in HR.. sporty gang in HR.. project group mates in HR.. (oops.. that is a lot of HRs.. basically.. i have a HUGE gang of HR friends.. haha) .. boys from Heartware... colleagues.. and also.. from my secondary school and JC.. though i lost touch with them... i am blessed.. and i should be counting them.. = )

another good news.. is that i am feeling the love in the air.. seeing my friends getting attached.. discussing how to spend V-day.. seeing them have someone to depend on.. or seeking someone to share their life with.. wah... so nice..

all these, though, brings back my thoughts of dear being so far away from me.. okie okie.. i know i am engaging in self-pity.. but cant be help.. some friends with bf away on NS, some with their other half going away on holidays.. the feeling is all the same.. but.. mine is prolonged.. their other half will be back in 1 week or 1 month.. mine will onli come back once a year.. and i dun have so much $$ to visit him every 4 months.. haiz.. that saddens me most of the time..

though my friend says that it is a good way to test our relationship.. if we are still together when he comes back.. we are steady.. and on the go... true.. i believe so too.. but.. 2 years.. or even.. 1.5 years more to go.. isnt a joke. that is reality... though time flies... it still take time for time to fly pass... well.. i am looking at the positive side.. with more effort and communication.. we can make it work..

well.. v-day is coming.. wish all the couples i know of.. stay together.. happily always....

2006-01-29T22:42:00.000+08:00

:: Chinese New Year! ::

yeah.. its the chinese new year.... well.. same as previous years.. but guess this year.. i am extra tired.. dunno y too..

came back to singapore on sunday.. rest on monday.. tuesday rush to clear what ever things left.. wednesday rush for pay cheque and thurs retreat.. thurs.. retreat.. fri.. rush for pay cheque..

sat.. clean house / room... deliver luggage over to dear's house.. reunion dinner at Ye ye's house.. then go home clean more.. haha..

sunday.. yes.. today.. run from place to place.. and now.. at my uncle's place.. nothing to do.. luckily there's something call the internet..

it does not help when my zodiac sign reminds me not to be overworked...

Aza's coming with the hard disk.. may i can watch come variety show... BORED..

Lots of things happened over the weekend.. happy things.. sad things.. wadever.. i just want to spend my chinese new year.. the happy way...

2006-01-23T19:06:00.000+08:00

:: back to reality... ::

Yes, i am back in singapore... not exactly excited, but good to be back to my usual lifestyle.. Will update the blog with pictures when i am less blue.. guess it is the post holiday syndrome... the dun wan to go back to work feeling is back.. though i am refreshed.. definately.. but.. something is pulling the excitment index down.. probably it is PMS..

Been feeling blue eversince i step on the plane last night.. need to blog it out, or else i will stay blue.. i guess because i am leaving taiwan, without dear with me.. well.. i knew that will happen at the end of the trip.. just that, probably i did not expect it to be that soon.. 8 days.. and *poof* it is gone... i enjoyed my trip tremedously.. (pardon me for the lack of vocab).. with dear's company and protection.. feel safe when i am with him.. and know that i am taken care of all the time.. i started to be dependent on him.. unlike the strong i-can-do-what-i-want me... and this probably caused the drop in excitment index, grew on the blue index...

when in taiwan.. i depended on dear all the time.. though i understand mandrain as well as dear, if not better, and i am quite confident that i will get things around if i want to.. but.. i just refused to.. i guess.. if ever going on the next trip.. i should be more independent... and decisive.. okie.. y am i blue when i had such a good holiday.. well.. firstly.. guess because dear is not with me when i am back to singapore... back to the strong, masculine, get-things-done me... which is not the real me... we have to lead separate lives.. though we miss each other.. gotta be strong and pass the 2 years.. though we are left with 17 months to go... the time is pretty long i guess... he will be back in May.. that is 4 months later.. then.. *poof* again.. he will be gone.. by then.. even if i wan to visit him again in 0ct.. may not be possible.. dunno if the $$ allows me to go.. whether i have leave to clear.. haiz.. that is probably yhe second reason y i am i blue...

felt so silly sobbing on the plane back to singapore.. feel even worse when i recall the glimpse of tears in dear's eyes as he pushed me towards the departure gate... HEY.. i am suppose to be refreshed! i am.. but alone.. but i told myself.. as per the conditions last time.. i should onli be sad till around now.. i should not be sad.. till i see dear again...

4.5 more months to go.. 17 months till the end of all torture.. as the saying goes.. "shuo chang bu chang, shuo duan bu duan..."

probably the onli solution is to communicate more often.. the month before i flew over to taiwan.. we seldom talk to each other.. probably because we are both busy with our own work.. me with Dec event, him with his D&D... we did not talk as often, which we promise each other to.. i work late.. and by the time i got home.. he is about to slp.. he start work early, end early, i start work late, end late.. that caused a huge communication barrier... haiz.. i think have to be strong again.. this always happens.. either he flying.. or i flying.. think this is normal.. if one day.. he fly off to taiwan.. and i am not affected at all.. that is a problem.. both ways.. i guess.. if he doesnt feel anything.. something is wrong...

well.. it is 7pm, and yet it is still so bright.. imagining the look at taiwan will be around 8pm dark.. it look like 5.30pm at taiwan now.. haiz... have to thank dear for all the preparation and effort put in to make this trip work.. sensing that he put his work aside.. just to go this trip with me.. very thankful.. and i thank him every day silently.. because i do not know how to thank him face-to-face... well dear.. this blog is dedicated to u...

THANK YOU...

2006-01-17T22:25:00.000+08:00

:: i am in taiwan ::

Yes.. i am currently in taiwan, tai tong ... just had my hot spring bath.. shiok! I am at hoya hotel.. not bad! the water is 40 degrees! i was almost cooked...

Well.. for the past few days.. first 2 days at taipei ... stayed at Chang Long Hotel.. right smack at Ximending! Good fashion.. felt so Lok Kok when i was there.. ate my mian xian! great man.. eating in the cool weather! went to shilin on my first day.. it was a sat, and it is extremely crowded! great clothes.. nice skirts at NT 390, around $20 bucks.. food is good too.. slurp!

Went to Fisherman Whaft during our second day.. scenary is good.. wind and weather is good... extremely cool.. very comfortable! shiok! ate lots of things.. like.. ice-cream that is at least 30 cm tall.. fish ball soup.. did a lot of sight seeing.. too bad the fog is thick.. cant see the mountains.. but the crowd is thick.. great way to spend weekend lazily..

realised that pple in taipei like to gamble. can see from the number of games shop they have.. though not hard gambling.. but.. i guess it is inculcated into the children's lifestyle...

we left super early.. at ard 7am to catch the first train to Hua lien.. it is a 3 hrs train ride.. similar to the KL train we have.. oh yah.. not forgetting to mention that the MRT system at Taipei is similar to the one at Singapore. Very easy to get around.. very similar..

oh yah.. at Hua lien.. which is famous for their scenic view.. we saw Taroko Gorge.. Great mountains! took lots of photos.. the scenary is mesmerising.. great air too! that journey took around 1 full day! tired!

Though tired.. we walked the streets of Hua lien, and shopped for Muah chi.. which is famous.. And in Hua Lien, we learnt from the locals that there are 12 tribes, and the most concentrated areas of the aborigines are in hua lien.. and the muah chi originated from them.. bought really a lot of muah chi.. think 4 packs to give away.. YH ask me to buy 4 packs sia! Tai Dong is also famous for their rice wine.. Dear bought 8 bottles in total! now have a problem in bringing them back..

the next day is more traveling downwards.. towards zhi ben.. which is where i am staying now.. along the way.. we saw things like sugar factory.. where i ate brandy ice-cream! hehe.. saw the local life like.. eating bian tang.. cool packaging at Chi Shang.. and saw you chai hua.. nice flowers.. and went cycling... cool trip..

after that.. its back at where i am.. hot spring.. haha..

well.. i spent half my holiday already.. dun wan to go back to Singapore! enjoying myself.. here.. and i have to thank Dear for organsing this trip for me! = )

okie.. he is looking bored.. better get going.. get a good rest.. and off i go to Kaoshiong tml! = )

pls await for further updates! = )

2006-01-10T15:52:00.000+08:00

:: Hari Raya Haji ::

Wow.. its a Public Holiday.. and first time after a few months.. i am slacking at home.. not busy doing work.. not busy playing.. not busy going out with friends.. not busy helping in house work... just myself.. and myself alone...

It is rare.. and i like such tranquility.. esp after a hard day's work... time to myself is fanstastic..

well.. still have to depend on how you look at it.. with time to myself.. what can i do? Err.. good question.. i also dunno...

Spend my day slping.. waking up late.. watch "shall we dance" (good show.. touching.. that i cried at the ending).. and...?? now blogging.. and i should be doing my work now..

haiz... work work work.. as what my friend say... translated literally .. "spend money easy, earn money hard" true true.. i am working my butts off like a cow.. and now thinking of it.. i am working hard or am i working smart.. hmm...

well.. thought it thru.. i guess.. i have to find someone to delegate my things.. if like what Ong says.. i am the engine.. den i cant let this continue.. i have to find alternative engine.. and i am sourcing... yes.. sourcing... and delegating fast...

What am i talking about.. well.. it must be the "feminine" side.. ratting my head off...

*************************************

okie.. restart...

have been signing a lot lately.. how come.. i dunno.. work? dunno.. maybe.. work is tough.. when your boss just calls you at any donkey timing.. and expects you to react.. sick of all these.. well.. there are good job offers in RECRUIT today.. and gers talk yesterday actually encourage me to look at it.. well.. real good ones.. like Mediacorp... keppel marine.. and such.. but.. i cant leave at this point of time.. wrong timing.. but.. does that mean i shouldnt? i dun think so.. i think i should.. haiz.. wad crap.. dunno wat i am talking again...

relationship? maybe.. realise it is hard to keep the fire going when someone is so far away.. and we barely talk to each other. How to keep relationship going? sianz.. y call me when u only need information? not call me when u miss me? and so if you dont call me, you dont miss me at all? when i call you, you are bz.. entertaining someone else.. wad is this relationship? ha ha.. i dunno.. something that we have to work out... crap.. haha.. i sound like a loser..

family? should not be.. new year is coming.. it should b e a happy occassion...

wat else can possibly troubling me? really dunno.. serious.. i just sat there thinking for 1 min.. i dunno...

2005-11-20T18:18:00.000+08:00

:: 3 weeks came by and passed by ::

Oh well.. i did not blog for so many months, and think i should come online more often to blog.. it helps to express my inner self, and so not to put too many things within me..

well well.. updates.. now still at Heartware.. dealing with 1 big project in Tampines.. Just went for 2 separate trips to KL, dear was back, and just left.. and okie.. brought it all up to date today.

hmm.. think i had an urge to blog today.. guess because my spirits are low.. i just cant lift it up. it is similar to 4 months ago.. when dear took his first flight to Taipei. Today is his second flight.

haiz.. downcasted again.. i dunno y.. days before, i was still fine.. thinking i can manage it, since i did manage it the past 3 months without him around... but today, all the feelings are back..

i think i was coping quite well for the past 3 months. occassionally.. fustrated with life.. dunno what to do.. sick of it.. sick of work.. no life.. but.. friends came along, and they helped a great deal.. brought me out.. i went rock-climbing.. drinking sessions.. and dinners with my friends.. they helped a lot.. and i gain momentum till dear came back.. i was back to my life before he went taiwan, enjoying my life sooooo much.. having someone to care for me.. to have someone to rely one.. to have someone to make decisions.. and all sorts.. i was just back to the feminine me..

but as he kissed and hug goodbye, i felt it once more.. i am going to miss him.. terribly again.. well.. if he did not come back.. i guess i would have coped quite well.. but now, momentum is broken, and the next time i see him will be in May 2006. 5 months from now.. whew.. that is long... i have to start training myself to be alone again.. be independent... and strong...

but again.. if i tell myself it is long, it will be long.. i must start thinking and imagining 5 months from now.. how much i will enjoy when i am in taiwan.. when dear comes back to singapore.. when i see him again... that is more positive.. and that will help me to live life easier..

well.. i told myself.. i give till the end of today.. to be upset and cry over not meeting him for the next 5 months.. and from tml onwards... i will look forward to May 2006, and take each day a fresh day.. i wun let dear be worried for me, and i will live life to the fullest. i believe dear will to..

gambatteh!

2005-10-08T22:03:00.000+08:00

:: 2 weeks of BUZZ ::

okies.. it had been a hectic 2 weeks.. rushing a lot of letters and info kits.. was so lost in my work.. that i forget my loneliness.. oh well.. i am just fortunate that there are pple ard to accompany me.. haha..

yeah.. now at least i had some time for a breather.. just went YH's birthday party yesterday.. was so tired because the day before, was rushing for a project till ard 2:30am.. so.. by then i got to her house.. i was like.. almost dead.. but all went well.. helped her to take photos.. and tata~ done. was a good catching up time with the area 19 ex-CIs .. wen bin, boon han, weiting and yanlin.. oh well.. time well-spend.. though it is terribly tiring..

then today.. after some good rest.. i went for rock-climbing with danwen and wilson and jes.. well.. i din wan to go initially.. was just lazy.. and it was such good weather.. and i was tired.. but.. just need to get out and work it out.. so.. forced myself to go to Climb Adventure.. and well.. i did have some fun there.. learning how to "twist" myself upwards.. and wilson threaten to charge us clinic fees and i threathen to throw his phone up when the phone rings.. haha.. well.. good choice.. i think if i had just bump ard at home.. things may go bad..

****************************

Man are from MARs, Woman from VENUS

oh well.. that is the book i am reading.. trying to make sense out of it..

like why gers bitch ard more.. because they are nurturing their feminine side of them... and y guys dont speak much because they are into their caves...

oh well.. now i start to understand y i am distressed when dear is not around... i am too much into my masculine mode of solving problems.. working out solutions.. and i am not allowed to nurture my feminine side of talking and analysing problems aloud...

i also understand y dear is so easily upset with my comments because he is unable to duck and dorge from my verbal attacks.. which is sometimes.. unintentional, and not targeting him.. and he might have took it literally.. and i think i have a special talent for that..

sometimes i am so into my masculine mode.. that i am unable to turn to my feminine side.. and no one at home can nurture my feminine side.. and i start to not to share.. and start to keep to myself.. and soon.. it becomes overwhelming...

and also understand y dear cannot initiate the conversation.. and cannot preserve long enough to get me into my feminine mode and prepare me to talk..

also think that dear is usually at his feminine side.. as he talks a lot.. and i am forced to me in my masculine side.. and i cant covert to my feminine side.. and hence, no balance... and i get distress.. and such problems becomes worse for us as we have no physical contact.. he cant comfort me.. and hug me.. which is the best medicine for any unhappy events in my day..

so.. how? after understanding the reasons.. wad are the solutions?

i dont know..

probably i can read more, and see if i can find out more info..

but till then.. i can only understand and emphatise.. i cant do anything else...

or can i?

2005-09-20T00:00:00.000+08:00

:: Lonely ::

I can feel loneliness le.. it is such an empty feeling.. like you can meet all the objectives you have in your life.. but you just dont feel complete.. emptiness in you.. seems so deep... like falling into a pitless hole..

okies.. long time since i blogged... but din expect the blog to be negative...

i had always wanted to tell myself.. all is fine.. i am coping well.. i am strong.. i can weather thru this 2 years... but.. am i deluding myself?

colleague reminded me that gers have to be pampered.. gers need to be assured.. gers needs affirmation.. gers need affection..

well.. dint have all that for the past 2 months.. am i normal? or am i not a ger? keep watching shows.. so envious when they filmed a couple together... at MRT trains.. when couples together.. ger slping on guy's shoulder.. things that i once did.. but cant do again at least for the next 2 years.. just cant face that fact... things that i once have.. that i once took for granted... no longer have.. no longer exist.. at least for the next 2 years...

i know i will sound silly after 2 years.. reading my blogs again.. thinking y am i so silly to think of these... but just could help it.. no matter how rational i can be now.. its just my emotions raging.. emotions overtaking my mental capability...

i know i just need a quiet corner somewhere..

think its the coffee.. it always causes me to be too alert and start thinking of unnecessary things.. but not strong enough to put me thru rational thinking...

haiz.. i should just shower and go to slp.. probably that may help...

2005-08-29T22:29:00.000+08:00

:: one lonely weekend ::

haiz.. the weekend is over.. and here comes the start of the week...

the past weekend isnt the best of all weekends.. well.. not that there are no pple ard me, or i was let totally to myself.. i did go swimming with my parents.. had lunch with dear's family.. went shopping with dear's sister.. bought a pair of pointy shoes.. i spend my time with someone.. but.. i still cant escape the empty feeling within me...

this feeling is so horrible.. was just recapping with his sister that it had only been 2 months. 1.5 months to be exact.. time passed quickly because i had NDP and the launch to busy myself with to the brim.. but now.. i have things to be busy with.. but not that busy... haiz.. and all the pangs of loneliness and emptiness start to hit me..

was just reading my diaries entries when we just got together 3 years ago.. well.. those days.. we cant even be separated for 3 days.. and to think that we have to be separated for 3 months or more.. haiz..

there are concerned pple ard me.. and i am thankful for them.. there's mas.. his family.. my family and some closer friends.. they are concern with how i led my life after he flew overseas.. but no matter how much they say or how much concern they show.. i will still show my brave front.. and whimper.. in the dark.. away in a corner of my room.. out of ear shot..

its true.. i miss dear...

miss the time we go for movies together.. missed the times we go out for a stroll after dinner.. missed the time we go for dinner together.. slacking at home.. watching vcds and watching him play games.. instead.. time is being spend alone.. watching anime by myself.. with my family and friends..

its a perfect time to mend back lost friendship.. you may say.. best time to do bonding with my family..

but.. its 3 years of relationship.. i spend 3 years with him.. and every day of my 3 years.. i get in touch with him at least once a day...

now.. if i can chat up with him.. with neither of us tired.. i would be lucky...

haiz.. think it must be the tea that i had in office that kept me so alert.. led me to thinking all these nonsensical stuff.. i ought to be tired.. and go to slp.. and forget all these issues.. and start a fresh day tml...

but will i be deceiving myself and pple ard me that i am alright? not sure..

but before i can deceive others.. i have to deceive myself first.. so i have to psycho myself first..

so i should be off to bed.. and no more thinking aloud..

haiz.. wad had happened to me?

2005-08-24T23:11:00.000+08:00

:: After epBUS launch ::

after 1 week of rigourous preparation.. the bus was launched today. quite good coverage over CNA.. not bad.. quite good.. Mr Wong is happy, EPSON happy.. Schools happy.. everyone happy.. that helps us to ease over the late nites we had.. the rough edges we went thru..

Mas grew a lot.. she can handle the stress already.. think she is better then me.. dun think i can handle that amount of stress.. haha.. just helped her to see that all her blind spots are being covered.. (reminds me of Neji.. haha) .. the launch is the best we had.. she surpass me le.. haha.. good.. trained well.. she can start training the rest le.. = )

the team did trip over here and there.. haiz.. but it a lesson to be learnt ba.. take it as a hands-on training session...

****************************

being stressed recently.. keeping mum about wad it is regarding.. everything will be over by saturday...

just realised i think i changed back to my old self.. after being changed by dear for 3 years. with dear around.. i was encouraged to share my feelings.. to share my tots.. to train myself to express my feelings.. and such..

now that he's no long with me most of the time.. i reverted back to my old self.. keeping things in me.. is that good or bad.. was pretty upset on tuesday over something in office.. took things too personally.. told myself off repeatedly.. not to take things too personally.. and grow with it...

probably because i show too much emotions.. i am too "transparent".. cant cover downcasted days.. cant hide feelings.. double edged sword.. in a way.. being too "transparent" but sincere.. hate feeling fake.. hypocritical..

haiz.. better turn in early today.. then rest well to start all my normal activity tml.. while others still in their lagging zone.. i have to recover fast and start working.. though i am still in my lagging zone.. got a feeling.. i will only recover next monday.. tml badminton in the afternoon.. friday morning taking off.. half-way here, half way there.. so weird..

hope everything goes well these few days.. and nothing major happens during my screen-saver period..

**********************************

as you stay longer in an organisation.. the higher expectations expected out of u... the faster you have to recover, the less mistakes you can make.. less tolerance ...

that fact alone is so scary... so stressful.. and that probably explains y i have so many hats since i am the longest "surviving" volunteer turn full-time staff... but that goes to say that if any thing happen.. i kena the hardest.. being on the " i-should-have-known" thing..

so my tagline being.. no one remembers the 99 good things you do.. they only remember the 1 thing you did wrong..

to cautiously.. remind me that.. i have to be on my toes.. everyday.. to ensure that all things go right...

probably need classes on how to work smart.. instead of hard... hmm...

2005-08-21T23:30:00.000+08:00

Fireworks at Marina.. our gang.. mas, me, fidah, vicky.. aza taking the photo

Before the fireworks.. self-taken.. nice shot eh? haha.. vicky's hand is long enough.. haha

2005-08-21T22:58:00.000+08:00

:: What am i busy with? ::

Some how time flies... its going to be the end of the month soon...

how come i know? because i am broke already.. and looking forward to the next pay check..

but i some how not looking forward to it because i have to do all the processing AGAIN.. hai.. annual leave updates, medical updates.. payroll calculations and watever...

haiz.. i am such a contradicting ger.. crap..

just when i tot after NDP, the days will resume to my regular hours.. i am wrong.. first thing, going to do the year-end project.. and second thing, another launch happening on wednesday.. and.. yeah.. busy busy...

glad to be busy.. but not too busy.. as i mentioned to dear.. i am doubling-up for so many post..

1) admin
2) HR
3) projects
4) Accounts
5) Procurement
6) Boss's PA
7) receptionist

basically.. Admin and HR is enough to keep me occupied. i welcome projects.. that is my passion.. but i m sick of doing PA and receptionist.. not that i am so high-up that i cant do recep jobs.. but i find that draining.. its draining all my time... things like mailing stuff... answering phone calls.. its like.. if i dun do.. no one will.. now i think i have to handle procurement of logistics as well.. and with this load.. i cant finish my work.. and i kept having the feeling that i left something urgent undone when i left the office.. but just cant put a finger to it..

asked myself.. asked dear.. is it due to my inefficiency that i cant finish my work.. or it is just beyond me? have i reached my limits?.. that is all that i can do? should i challenge myself.. to finish all things.. without mistakes and on time..? that is tough.. but i believe it is the spirit i wan to have.. a fighting spirit.. nver to give up easily..

i used to thing how weak i am.. when dear is not around.. i start to be lost... dunno wad to do.. things cant carry.. but now i think and feel that i am stronger.. i can hold stress better.. i can carry heavy stuff better.. i can depend on my own.. i have better chances of survival i think...

had this thinking when i carry a real heavy bag (with laptop and clothes to stay over at chalet) to work and everywhere i go.. last time, got dear to help me carry.. now i have to carry it on my own.. and i can do it.. well.. i think.. have to give all things a try.. to know how far you can go..

think i learn such stuff from watching naruto.. okie. its not an excuse.. i always learnt stuff from watching tv and anime.. he is a strong guy.. not in skills.. but in spirit.. never to give up.. and to fight hard to keep what he wants.. also see courage.. i lack in courage.. definately.. i can imagine if there's a snatch thief to run pass me.. what will i do? i can imagine myself.. staring at the thief.. and look like the rest of the singaporeans.. stunned.. but that is not what i wan.. i wan to be shouting for help too.. or at least.. help the poor person who has their things snatched.. haiz..

so so.. i do learnt stuff from watching anime.. they do pass some values over.. to protect their village.. seems to be the same as protecting singapore.. but when war comes.. who cares? i wonder.. to think that dear is from civil service.. probably i should be more pro-singapore a little.. afterall.. its a place i grew up in.. a place i call home..

okie.. think that is enough of crapping..

i start to feel that i am keep a lot of things within me.. dunno who to speak too.. dunno how to express.. a lot of things bottled up in me.. i start to keep things within me.. even when in the past.. things that i will share.. feelings that i will share.. i start to keep within me.. hmm.. i dunno y.. is this part of growing up? and that is y u need a partner? and the partner is more important then family? i dunno...

2005-08-13T23:12:00.000+08:00

:: i am back ::

okie, i know i am gone for quite a while, but dun think anyone miss me, except ONE. You know who you are.. keep asking me to update my blog.. = )

Okie, wad was i busy with, i was busy with

1) Mc Talk
2) end of month, payroll and updating of records
3) NDP
4) Naruto
5) Driving
6) Korean Class
7) Convo picture taking
8) Visiting of Dear's Parents
9) Accompanying my Parents
10) Time to myself

haha.. sure lots of things to keep my busy, for at least the past 2 weeks...

well.. i am going to be busy for the next one month again.. because, it is going to be the end of month again...

1) Mc Talk
2) Payroll and Leave records
3) celebration tree
4) Naruto
5) Korean Class (must practice ah)
6) and the same all stuff...

i cant believe i am so busy.. probably because i am trying to make my life as full as possible without dear.. so, i am glad that i am busy. and not suffering from depression...

i am also glad that boss allow me to do the celebration tree again this year.. and i will be planning stuff again! no more admin work already.. okie.. have la.. minimium.. but i am glad.. i mean, after NDP, i tot i have nothing to look towards to.. tot i will b bounded to office stuff.. filing.. answering phone calls.. and blah.. well.. i felt like a receptionist.. a slightly higher paid one though.. but now, going to projects! something i like to do..

i know its going to be tough.. there are lots of things to look into.. i have 3 months to keep myself busy.. well well well.. i will be pretty occupied, until dear comes back at the end of the year.. my time will pass faster.. and 2 years will fly pass much faster... i really hope so sia...

****************************

just now went to a concert at the side of boon lay MRT station... well.. there's taufik, sly and rui en... so excited (first time at my area, got a not-bad concert la), went home, asked my bro to join me, and we went down with a mat.. wah seh.. mistake sia..

first thing, there are LOTS of OTHER performances.. not that they are not good.. just impatient to see the main stars and go.. forget that usually such concert will end quite late... well.. then waited.. and Danny Yeo, the Emcee, was saka-ing to the GOH.. pengs.. its like..

Danny: Do u see the Taufik and Sly in circles (as in their faces are circled on the banner)? there is a reason for them to be in circles because the GOH is in star (face in star shape) and he is the star for the show..
Audience: Duh.... oh please...

so irritating.. argh.. then i see that he is not a good host afterfall.. dunno how to interact with the crowd.. talking all by himself.. give surprise questions to guests like..

Danny to Rui En: so, did Taufik do anything naughty during NDP rehearsals
Rui En caught off guard: Er.. No.. Taufik is a nice boy, he never do anything naughty.
Danny trying to save the situtation: oh.. really.. i tot he will do things like switching off your mic when u sing.. blah blah..
Jo: Argh.. lame...

Danny to GOH in a "proposal" position: Now i am going to pop the question... will we have the same concert again, next year?
GOH: We will see the response, and if possible, we wil
Danny to audience: Is that all we get? can we get a more definiate answer? Is that a Yes?
GOH desperate: haha.. we have been trained to say this.. *embarrased* look
Jo: Haiz.. tackless...

after organising so many events.. this emcee will get shot by me, if not boss... how can he ask such a question and force the GOH to say a yes.. haiz.. so unprofessional...

okie.. after i see his performance as host, i dun think he can handle any show alone. he needs someone to sooth out all his glitches.. probably nervousness did play a part.. hmmm..

okie.. think it is a long blog.. will stop here for the time being.. need to shower and get back to my Naruto..

BTW: Naruto Rockz! its a good anime.. for those without a life or have nothing to do, i suggest you watch Naruto.. it kills time effectively.. haha...

tata~~

2005-07-25T23:44:00.000+08:00

:: on and off ::

He was online then he was off... he tried to call, but starhub let him down.. he cant call him...

i know he is fustrated.. cant get to communicate to his parents and all..

and i am disappointed. haiz...

That's all the time we have with each other.. isnt that scary?

Sms does not work because he dont use his phone in the day, and onli switch to his starhub at nite. so wad's the use of me sms him in the day...

when i need someone to talk to immediately.. like the case in office last thurs.. i hve no one to turn to.. dear is too far to be contacted.. i felt all alone, because there's no one else whom i can share with..

i know he has his own set of problems over there.. work-related.. home-sick.. cant call thru.. tired... i try my best not to disturb him as far as possible...

but.. how am i to cope? its going 3 weeks, things are not moving drastically.. i am book all weekends for aug already.. but will that help? i dont know...

mas is getting me to go for their photo outings.. i dun mind.. takes time off my mind too... yh and yl getting me to go out shopping and to go visit megan.. sure! but does that solve the problem? i dunno...

i working myself silly.. i am taking option 1.. but i cant konk at nite.. tired.. but alert.. how? well.. working is my avenue of venting my loneliness.. my stress.. my sadness.. with my colleagues around.. mas and aza, and sometimes steve, mr ang and sam, they cheer me up, and take my mind off other things...

but i am still worried.. our communication is the bare minimium.. i cant expect too much from dear.. but neither can i surpress my loneliness.. (i think he's more lonely over there) how to last?

getting slpy. watch 1 episode of naruto, then i go and slp le..

hope tml will be a better day....

haiz.. meanwhile.. still.. wallow in self pity and depression.. i will be fine tml. the mornings are always beautiful.. nites are cold and lonely.. probably its the same for dear too.. i dunno...

haiz..

2005-07-25T00:23:00.000+08:00

:: pangs of loneliness ::

dunno how to explain this feeling.. even though i am so bz.. running ard because of work or because i am meeting friends for shopping or anything.. i still feel something missing, something is not right.. somewhere...

there, i realised i felt lonely.. i dunno y... i am so bz, everyone ard me, joking with me.. i can laugh so hard.. but.. its just onli that moment.. after that.. the rest resume.. i feel lonely again...

i am not saying that my friends are not encouraging.. they are.. and they are very concern.. but... its only that much they can do.. the rest its up to me..

i can take it in several directions...

1. make myself so buzy that i konk out everytime i reach home...

2. let myself feel sad all the time.. (silly way)

3. accept it, and carry on with life..

option 3 sounds the most reasonable.. but also the toughest to achieve.. but i think i have to do it, at least for the next 2 years i guess.. 2 years feel so long.. so distance.. so far.. 2 years ago, i was still a first year student, and 2 years later, i graduated.. that is so long...

i have to be optimistic..

but let me sink into depression for the time being, before giving myself a pep talk, and carry on with life...

till then~

2005-07-24T20:24:00.000+08:00

:: had been down laterly ::

haiz.. no idea too.. just thinking.. lots of things went thru my head...

wad are the things to complete at work? wad are the things i have to rush?

Those tots are work related... then there are thots that are non-work related...

is 2 years a long time? how long is 2 years? will i have enough money to go over and see him? will our relationship last? will he change? will I change? will our expectations still be the same? will we get a car? blah blah blah...

work is getting tiring.. with colleagues leaving the organisation, and i do not have enough time to recruit... work load is piling.. higher and higher.. wad i worry is.. as the work load gets heavier.. some cant take it any longer, and just quit.. haiz..

******************************

though i had been very bz lately.. so bz that i keep missing my meals.. also on a saving mode.. trying to save as much as possible, that i try to go home and have dinner even though it means having dinner at 10pm... haiz.. think that is y dear's parents think i lost weight.. i dun think i did.. haiz..

even if i had lost weight.. i think its a little.. i mean, it is so weird having dinner by myself outside.. last time dear will have dinner with me.. if we go out.. but, now, before korean class.. no one to have dinner with.. so might as well wait till after korean class, then save money some more.. haiz..

though i started working, but i m broke.. the convo pictures are so expensive.. just bought a camera.. and saving to go overseas with dear.. haiz.. that is y i am trying to save.. not to forget that i am still giving a substantial amount to my family and will have to start paying for my school fees too...

haiz.. hope i have enough money to go taiwan....

*************************************

NDP had been horrible.. got lots of things to settle.. lots of things to do.. plus recruitment plus mc talk.. feeling very stressed.. think that is y i sounded weird when dear called me.. haiz.. sometimes i just cant understand myself too.. sometimes its just down.. but y down.. must ask myself again and again..

so i guess this time round, i am just tired.. tired and stress.. so much so that i wanted to take off, i cant.. because the workload is just too much to handle.. if i go on off, then.. there'll be more work.. haiz... sad...

****************************************

2005-07-19T21:43:00.000+08:00

:: suay day ::

haiz.. its such a suay day.. well well.. starting.. i had slight fever yesterday.. but managed to cure on its own.. probably its just me..

den the weather was so beautiful to slp in... but gotta wake up.. to find that daddy on MC (well he looks fine to me..) then ave to go to work by myself.. no lift from daddy...

then.. well.. the afternoon was slow.. boss asked me to find a challenging no. onli to realised that SIA kept bouncing me off from one end to another.. pengz.. well.. got it finally.. it was sooo satisfying..

then.... was soo slpy then i asked mr ang (who was going downstairs to thaw) to help me get a cup of coffee... well.. was too stone already...

then when i was drinking my coffee.. i was wondering.. how come my skirt felt hot.. just to realised i split coffee all over myself.. how dumb i can be.... haiz.. dumb dumb dumb.. well.. when i need a cup of coffee.. i am already in a dazed state.. so, cant help reacting 10 sec slower...

well.. still pretty fine with it, because my skirt is white, and managed to get some coffee stains off, because yellow.. well.. not so obvious... then, changed into yet another chingay t-shirt.. well.. yeh.. continued working...

then, finally get to go home, i was walking to the MRT station, i slipped and fell... on to my knees and slightly twisted my ankle.. luckily din sprain.. or else that's it.. i will be in cast.. my ankles cant take any TCM.. haiz... well. there's a nice lady who asked me how am i.. grateful for her, because she helped me to block my embarrasement.. (i heard a lot of "ouch..." , " ssss...." when i fell.. so i guess a lot of pple were looking at me ba..)

haiz.. so embarrasing.....

*****************************

dear called me today and yesterday.. was so thankful he called.. well.. after he left for taiwan, was pretty down la.. not as lively as before, esp when mas left for the bus...

called me during lunch to perk my day up! = )

typhoon left already.. (well.. my prayers where answered.. worth my trip under the heavy rain.. = ) ) and they are waiting for recovery work.. there are electricity once in a while.. well.. okie ba.. but his internet not up yet... waiting for him to come online...

haiz.. wonder how 15 weeks will pass... betting on it to make my life better and my time to fly faster.. for once, i wish time will pass faster...

2005-07-15T00:42:00.000+08:00

:: Dear called! ::

It made my day! though it came at 1130pm.. it really made my day.. before that, on my way home.. cant help but think of dear.. when i listen to my mp3, there are some songs that i dun fancy, but eventually like it because of dear.. that makes me think of him...

when he called.. i was sooo surprised because he did not mention that he will call... so that phone call perked me up, so high that i am still in the 'high' mode.. cant slp!

he talked about things in camp, that he is suppose to go dunno where, then dunno wad's it mulitplying-day, where, if u do one good thing today, u will keep having good things happen to u, and if you do one bad thing today.. u will have bad things recurring.. hmm.. interesting...

and he mentioned that he bought animals to be released.. called fang sheng.. chickens, frogs, etc that was due to be slaughtered, but they bought and release them.. well.. according to him, the place the animals in the centre of the basketball court and chant prayers and at the end, since they chanted prayers, their saliva are blessed, so they contributed saliva to a bottle, and sprinkle on the animals, so that they are blessed as well.. hmm..interesting custom.. well.. i think the animals are frightened though...

*********************************

okie.. enough of him.. i decided to update my blog regularly, so that dear can read at his own pace, when he's free anytime.. well.. he may not be so free to read my blog, but i will be proactive and send the blog to his email.. so that he can be updated on wad's happening here, and not miss home too much.. trying to help him ease into the place there... dear, JIA YOU!

here, okie.. just hear from his sis that his parents missed him a lot, i asked his sis to go home earlier, so to accompany them.. well.. hopefully when the dvd player arrive, the house will be less quiet.. starting to plan for his sis's birthday.. my uncle cant help out because its ard the 7th month, and my uncle will be quite bz.. so.. sad, cant help her much.. but i promise to get her a black berry cake.. or issit blue berries.. hmm.. i am confused.. will ask her again...

convo just passed yesterday. its a hectic day.. horrible.. i went to school at around 4pm with yeye, daddy, mummy and alvin first.. went to take some photos..well.. i dun look too bad in my convo gown.. looks quite nice actually.. haha.. it looks even nicer when all graduates are seated together.. smarter.. dear, will post up some photos.. no choice, this one u have to visit my blog to see the photos.. cant send to them to u.. too big!

well.. i am glad that the first week is almost over.. and we are doing fine.. dear, u have to call back frequently k... i was so happy hearing ur voice, that my lips cant help quivering, and almost teared.. think PMS la.. so, a little emotional... okie.. understand that ur work is important.. but, just call maybe once every 3 days.. i will be more then glad... well.. at least there's communication.. cant just ignore us and b bz with work noe.. that is a cut off of communication, and things may not turn out good after too long not communicating...

okie., its late.. its almost 1am.. i am tired.. but drank coffee at 5pm because i was soo tired at work, and now, i cant slp... and made worse when dear called and perked me up.. hmmm...

will try to get some slp.. looking fwd to next week.. because its packed...

Fri nite: Gers nites' out
Sat: NDP and some quiet time to my own
Sun: Going over to dear's place.. to visit his parents...
Mon: photo taking at studio
tues: meeting with insurance agent
wed: korean class
thurs: driving
fri: dunno.. gers' nites' out again?
sat: NDP i guess...

packed? i guess so too... cool.. fill my week with activity.. and i will be preoccupied with things in my head.. and time wil pass faster...

its almost 15 weeks away from visiting dear in taiwan as planned.. thinking of 29th Oct - 6 Nov.. pls.. let it be available for dear.. plss..... *praying very hard.. * pls....

okie.. need to get some slp.. probably photos tml or sat okie..

miss u dear.. salangheyo~

2005-07-13T12:43:00.000+08:00

:: ok! successful! going to put up more photos ::

Dear and my Family... Do i look like the one who's going to fly?

Two Families together.. was so wierd.. hmm how 2 people can pull 9 pple together.. isnt that amazing?

Our friends.. mutual friends.. know most of them.. come to think about it.. i know most of his friends, but he know onli a few of my friends.. so if he ever bullies me..i know i have many pple supporting me! haha.. even his family is behind me! wahaha

Me and dear at the airport. He's about to enter already....

2005-07-13T12:37:00.000+08:00

:: Pictures ! ::

Trying to load some pictures for all to share.. see if i am successful...

Dear with his family: Him, his dad, his mum and his sis, Hui Yi!

2005-07-11T23:13:00.000+08:00

:: thanks elaine, carol and mas ::

forget to bring the candle out of Village sia.. or else can post pictures. haha

the lovely gers in the office brought me out for a birthday lunch today.. haha.. they are so farni.. they were like...

elaine: Jo, lets go for lunch
Jo: u all go first la.. meeting my friend for lunch...
elaine, carol, mas: huh....

i sense that something is not right, like, y all 3 "huh"-ed at the same time...

Thank you gers, the waffle is great, the straw berries did make me slightly high...

************************************

I am thankful that i have caring friends around me.. with the office gers, w apah asking, with PPT often encouraging over the net, with YH keeping a look out for me.. i am thankful that i have friends around me, and not isolated alone...

3 years with him, i lost much of my social circle.. lost contact with my JC classmates, with my uni friends, HW volunteers and stuff... but i will gain them back, to make my life fulfilling...

i am also glad that i have a lot of things to do in the office. time flies so much faster.. stayed back to finish my stuff... felt so fulfilling.. feel like i reverted to my old self.. like the joanna 2 years ago, who pia3 thru heartware stuff, regardless wad time it was in the morning, no time off even.. but of course, i need someone who stays back in the office with me.. so, who ever needs to work late, let me know, i will most probably work late too....

working is a way to fill up my time... i am so tired when i am home that i have no space, no energy to think of any thing silly... not to look at the mrt train, and imagine dear with me on the seat... not to look at the pasar malam near my place and imagine us walking thru the nite market.. no time, no energy.. time flies, and i can see dear faster...

of course there are better ways to spend my time too.. like knitting, driving.. blogging, collating my blogs, look for bargains online.. post stuff online to sell.. and things like that...

guess these will b the things that last me till i see dear again...

********************************

my friend just broke up with his gf.. haiz.. its so sad.. i mean, relationship just gone like that.. how to take it.. i jsut temp not with dear, how's he going to cope with all his free time.. suddenly free with so much time on ur hands, dunno how to cope with life sia.. i wish him all the best!

realised that how a relationship can be so fragile, not communicating well.. taking each other for granted.. not seeing each other.. such simple things can make or break a relationship.. it needs nurturing.. and patience to build it up... haiz... need care and concern, so cautious not to let it have any cracks .. to be flawless... how difficult

********************************

saw jamie on the train today.. that ger is in a confuse state of mind sia.. ( shall not tell how) haha.. but she saw my nick on msn and asked me wad happened.. told her and she empathised with me.. like there's no one to complain to... no one to sms all small small things to... no one to hear me talk... haiz..

had this feeling when dear mentioned that he is tired and did not wan a web conference. haiz. how disappointed i was.. it was my motivation to get home fast to get online to talk to him.. but to the end, the motivation was gone, and how depressed i became.. luckily i had some preparation that he may not come online at all, and counted my blessing that i actually saw him online and shared some stuff with him.. but haiz.. still did not have the time to actually find out how's life on his side.. has he adjusted to life over there.. any interesting things that happened.. haiz..

probably we should maintain a blog each, such that i update my life on my blog, so that he can read off, without talking to me... he can get the best updates, and know's wad's happening in my life.. something to look fwd to at the end of a bz day? how abt u updating ur blog too dear? that is provided u are not so bz ye.. haiz...

**********************

feeling so tired.. think the coffee effect wearing off... groggy suddenly.. was so slpy that i took a nescafe at 3pm.. and it lasted till ard 10 plus .. not bad!.. think i have to maintain a 2 cups a day dosage to keep me thru the day... okie... so slpy.. think i will start talking nonsense soon.. n start typing with my eyes close.. haha..

tata~

thanks to all who wished me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY.. though sad, at least i know u cared. thanks!

2005-07-09T22:36:00.000+08:00

:: Dear flew to Taiwan already ::

today is the worst day for the year 2005 i think...

haiz.. dear flew to taiwan already.. safely reached taiwan.. but i miss him so so much...

****************************

friday.. was so impromtu.. work was like mad.. rushing from here to there.. and it was Dear last nite in singapore before he flies off to taiwan... so, MUST meet him one.. so agreed on midnite movie of war of the worlds...

work was delayed.. left the office at 8pm.. rushed over to his place.. his parents bought half a chicken for me.. and dear went to buy pizza for me.. had a very filling dinner.. his parents bought durian for him too... but we are filled with durian for the whole month man.. because we had been having durian for the past few weeks...

watching tv, fell aslp halfway.. dear went to meet his insurance agent.. his sis woke me up to share durian with his family.. but i was too tired, and went back to slp... when he learnt about this, he ticked his sister off, saying that i am tired, dun disturb me.. was so touched..

and know wad? he send flowers to my office on friday.. i was so busy with work, that i was irritated that there was someone at the door.. then, the person open the door.. nicole who was at the basin was stunned.. think she mentioned. "flowers" but i cant catch wad she said.. then the person asked for jo-something.. then jon went ahead.. then nicole said "cant be jon la.. Joanne! you have flowers!".. i was "HUH?" then i went to the door, and found a dozen of blue roses.. was sooo touched, that i almost teared.. my face went red because the whole office was teasing me.. haha... but i was holding back my tears.. it came as a very pleasant surprise....

back to friday.. we were so tired, but no choice.. bought the tickets liao.. so have to go and watch.. haha.. dear drove over to yishun and we got into the theatre just in time for the show.. the show was good! thrilling.. but no plot.. haiz...

drove over back to his agent place, and we went for prata.. dear and his agent discussing somethings.. i was soo bored.. after a while we went back to his house to shower and try to get some slp. it was 4am then...

i could not slp.. maybe because i showered, and was still alert.. so my mind started running wild. i started to imagine the departure hall scenario.. i imagine his room with out him.. imagine taking MRT alone, no one sending me back in future... imagine no one to report to after work.. no one to share my feelings with.. i was so sad.. i was crying... sobbing softly so that dear does not hear me.. was soo sad.. cried till i fell aslp...

*************************************

the next day, which is today.. was hectic.. he rushed to pack his stuff, rush to burn his things into a disk.. rush to deal with his insurance and some banking stuff.. was so rushed.. that before i know it, we are already at the airport..

we were early, but was told that the hand luggage cant be heavier then 7kg.. dear's bag was 12kg.. so we were trying to pack everything such that it reduces the weight.. and we did ultimately.. then dear checked in...

mummy and daddy and the rest came over already... and we all went for lunch. was quite late already.. rushing thru lunch at soup restaurant.. soup restaurant was good... then we went to meet YH and Vincent who will be sending dear off at T1..

there happens all the soap operas.. i kept holding back my tears.. and tried to smile and be strong.. definately so in front of his parents and mine.. took photos.. with the flowers he gave me... everything went fine...

when he went in, i regretted not hugging him for one last time, kissing him for the last time before meeting him again... i was regretting so much that after we bid goodbye, and went off for lunch with vincent and yh, i began to cry.. hysterically.. i had to calm myself down, with yh's help.. feel so farni.. wai kwan was saying "time will pass quickly one.. dun worry.. its onli 2 years.. "

yeah.. its only 2 years.. planning to meet in 4 months time.. 4 months = 16 weeks onli, and i will survive.. i have to tell myself that repeatively.. but din work today because i was so downcasted the whole day.. luckily i went for NDP parade, that sorta help me ease the pain.. but it was nostagic because, 5 years ago, i get to know dear at NDP at Padang too...

i need support.. i have to go thru this.. i know i can, and so will dear.. i think all will be fine after i get to see him over the web cam or get to talk to him over the phone.. think things will not be that bad.. so ... all.. do encourage me okies? = S haha.. i may keep falling into the deep trench again and again.. so, sorry if i kept bugging you all to hear me out...

**********************************

this is the saddest birthday i ever had in my life.. saddest.. really...

2005-07-08T00:02:00.000+08:00

:: Dear is flying 38 hrs 20 mins later ::

Cant believe it.. within 38 hours... bring about a tinge of heart wrenching.. loneliness.. missing him although he's still in singapore at this very moment...

it had been so bad.. that i tink i have no mood to celebrate my birthday. i almost forget that my birthday is on this sun.. just yesterday.. i just recalled.. but.. i just have no mood to celebrate. not expecting any presents (unlike previous years, even from dear) dun feel like celebrating.. dun feel like going anyway.. just want to stay at home, hide in my shell......

i dunno y i am feeling this way... probably things will be better after dear fly over, settle down, get his lap top running, and start communication.. i can do it.. he went ophir for 4 days before.. its almost like a week.. so, can do it...

had a hectic week, and time flies, new projects firing me up, and good timing, where i need things to occupy me, as much as possible.. so that i will forget dear.. we said that to each other just now... "we will try our best to 'forget' each other" haha... we know wad we mean...

just now was so bz that i dun have the time to rest, drink water and go toilet.. (now still dehydrated) soooo bz.. and i 'forgot' dear momentarily.. but, after everything ends, while going home, my mind starts to wonder.. i was sooo tired.. that i wanted to go home and rest.. but the thought that i will not be able to see dear for at least 3 months... i think better go la..

let me have some planning done aloud...

jul 05: dear fly taiwan
nov 05: visit dear at taiwan
mar 06: dear fly back to singapore
jul 06: visit dear in taiwan
nov 06: dear fly back to singapore
mar 07: visit dear in taiwan
jul 07: dear returns to singapore for good!

okies.. so, its visit every 4 months to get things moving.. and judging that i need approx 1K for each trip, think i have to save 100 bucks every month to fly to taiwan to visit him every 8 months. okie la.. still sustainable. so now, i have to start with 200 bucks each month till my first trip over. hmm.. dear, subsidise leh.. half la.. haha... so, dear, schedule good with u? it will be my MOTIVATOR for the next 2 years, counting down 16 weeks every time... like that, time will seem to fly pass.. and make the missing-each-other feeling lesser

okie.. got to shower and take a rest. had been slping late these few days.. cant take it..

dear, salangheyo.....

2005-07-05T00:21:00.000+08:00

:: broke ... ::

well.. i am officially broke now.. and its onli the starting of the month! = (

well.. i am squeezing myself very tight.. keeping on a tight budget and see how much i can save...

well.. (realised i started with 3 "well"s) lots of things happened within these 2 weeks and i did not have the time to update on each event. Dear has been bugging me to update, and ta~ ta~ here i am, updating my blog....

where should i start? Hmmm........

*********************************

collected my convo gown on Monday, 27 jun.. and woah... i spent a great deal of money... haiz.. think 200 bucks and counting.. well.. keep telling myself that the money is well spent.. that it is once in a life time thing.. (unless i pursue my masters? haha )

but one thing i noticed from creative district (one of the photo studio) is that they are a confused bunch of pple. first their offer differs, quoting special prices here and there.. and end up they themselves confused.. noticed that they kept going back to their supervisor (and i think there's onli one boss around) shows that they have no confidence, and do not have the power to make any decision. reflects badly on the organisation.

For example.. i called to book an appointment on Friday. i mentioned that i need to take the photo before the 9th of jul as my BF is flying on that day. the lady offered me an appointment on that sunday, which is less then 3 days notice (i din know that there was a need for a 3-days notice and a surcharge on a sunday). i gladly made an appointment. when i called up for a confirmation of the appointment, they then, mentioned to me all the notice periods and the surcharge.. i say.. okie.. then, any of the weekdays before the 9th of jul? she asked me to hold.. for more than 5 mins (luckily i changed my plan to free in-coming calls) so that she could ask her supervisor AGAIN. well.. then, she mentioned that the weekdays before the 9th will be the convo gown collection for the open university. i made some noise, mentioning that i was offered a date on 3rd jul and i cant afford an appt after the 9th.. then she made me go on hold again.. this time, ard 7 mins, and said that if i carried on with the 3rd jul appointment, i had to pay a surcharge of 15 bucks.. oh well.. i made noise again, because they did not say, anywhere, that i cant book appointment during that week... and she went on hold again.. and finally back with the waiver of the surcharge ... whew.. i have no idea how long i waited....

its super annoying to go on hold during a buffet.. (update later...)

okies.. went for the photo shoot yesterday... paid for the make-up.. and yah.. maked-up.. haha.. the make up is okie.. just that i propose that u do ur eyebrow trimming before the appointment. i think i kena-ed a trainee.. and was using me as a "sample".. halfway.. the "shifu" came over.. she said to her "hui bu hui heng qi guai" (is it farni looking).. i freaked out! i wasnt wearing my glasses, and most of the time, she asked me to close my eyes and relaz... when i heard that.. i wanted to put on my glasses straight and looked at me closely... luckily the "shifu" said that it is okie.. i managed to relax alittle... nevertheless, i think she overdid my eye a little.. a little too much eye-liner (i think she put too much eye liner at my bottom eye which made me looked farni..).. and now my eyebrow a little thin la.. go to work a little farni sia.. haiz...

well the photographer was humourous... he called dear "nan peng you" haha.. boyfriend in chinese.. and asked him if we are married. Pengs.. if married should call "lao gong" wad. duh... through the photoshoot, i realised i cant smile.. for heaven's sake.. haiz.. either my eyes too small or my smile not wide enough.. have the urge to tell the photographer that he can onli have one, either the smile or the eye.. argh..

hope the phot turns out well sia... haiz.. paid so much for it (managed to get dear to pay $50 haha) anyway gers.. do bring cash along with you just in case u need to top up the package.. over at creative district, any thing below 100 bucks and u want to use your nets.. there's a $5 bucks charge! woah... cheat money sia....

*********************************

so much for the photo shoot... now.. lets divert attention to.. errr.... chalet?

chalet was overall relax.. we went to watch a late nite movie (initial D was fun sia! guys can look at the cars, gers can ogle at the "shuai ge"s.. haha good for both sexes..) then we took a long stroll back.. on the first nite.. then on the second day, went to pasir ris pack with the intention of roller blading.. my goodness.. pasir ris park is sooooo far away.. that my legs almost broke when i reach the bicycle kiosk and realised that there are no blades, onli bikes... well.. suck thumb lo.. take bike.. cycle for an hour or so.. dear went to visit his friends at PA sea sports club... and then went back.. argh.. couldnt take it.. took a bus back! haha..

well.. i had fun with the swing.. till that day, then i realised that dear dun dare to play the swing.. wahaha.. he is afraid of the height.. woops.. am i suppose to keep it under cover? hmm.. shhh.. dun spread ah... = P

next, we went for a swim.. the weather was sooooo cold, that i was still shivering in water.. did my laps.. felt that it was a good exercise.. but the water taste soo salty.. dear says that it is urine water.. and we are swimming in urine.. arghks.. cant stand his crudeness (well..there may b truth in it.. hmmm...)

after that, we went to have dinner... hang ard.. went back to the room.. watch 10pm channel u show.. had a late supper and konked off.. we were soooo tired...

next day, wanted to go to wild wild wet.. but judging from the weather, i think we will be roasted chicken and pig at the end of the day. it was soooo hot.. scorcing hot! (dear just called and say that he's still at lau pat sat.. @ 1250am. and din bother about his GF.. blogging away at his request.. haiz..) okie.. back to where i stop... wild wild wet starts at 1pm anyway.. and we have to check out by 1030am.. (we almost over slept) we went to play Xbox at the xbox centre for an hour.. played games we never understood.. or rather i never understood like x-men la.. dunno wad fighting games la.. had fun though.. haha.. then went over to the arcade and play daytona.. and some stupid games la.. haha.. wanted to play initial d.. but.. too ex sia.. no $$ liao.. so.. no choice la..

and the best part is... when we are about to leave the chalet... i noticed a sign that states.. "bicycle kiosk" and points to my left.. i think its within 50 m. i freaked again.. that means that my long walk to pasir ris was uncalled for!! and dear's onli response was a weak smile.. hur hur..

that is the end of the chalet.....

******************************

realised i covered quite a bit already... the next 2 days were spend helping him pack his room, unpack his stuff.. and catching my little winks.. so tired from the few days of chalet.. that i kept taking naps over at his place.. haha... went to the dentist... good teeth in general.. but have to floss regularly.. but i dunno how to floss my molars! so difficult to reach them! argh...

*******************************

urban infest... okie la.. it was on sat.. went there to see if i can help in any way.. and to have fun too.. =P played the flying fox and the rock wall.. for 2 bucks (nicole treated me to it though.. = )

dear was upset with me on that sat.. saying that he cant find anything to do.. and felt so lonely and out of place.. well.. though my sat was burned due to official duty, but i think it was good for him to get a feel of wad is it like to be away from me.. and its onli a day.. he felt so upset.. wad if its for 2 years? because internally i felt that he wasnt really prepared mentally for the trip, such that he hasnt feel the impact of the overseas assignment yet. like.. he still dunno how to fold his clothes.. dunno how to iron his clothes.. still depending on his mum to do it for him.. not that he is dependent on his mum like a spolit brat. i know he is not, just not mentally prepared for it..

it is also good for me too.. going home alone, without being able to call or msg him... thinking and trying to feel wad is it like when he's not around.. no one to boil soup for me when i am super hungry.. no one to bug me to have my meals.. how am i suppose to survive?

well.. trying to tell myself to think positive.. trying to occupy my time to the fullest such that i will not sense his absence.. mas says that i am living my life to the fullest.. but i think i am just trying to cover my emptiness with activities... as i mentioned before in my previous blog.. no matter how busy i am, how happy i am, i will still feel the emptiness in me.. i just have to minimise that feeling... by packing myself to the brim.. like korean class.. driving lessons.. knitting.. kayaking courses... rock climbing.. or shopping and gers' nite out. just have to fill in the hours without dear... its not easy.. but i wll try... the last thing i want to happen is for dear to worry about me when he's overseas...

i am trying to get him to think positive too.. asking him to enjoy himself.. no need to worry about things at home.. i will take care of his parents (his parents actually felt that the house will be so empty without him around.. his sis is always going out with friends, i will not be around as he's not around..think his parents also missing him.. so i shall try to accompany his parents more, bring them out for dinner.. or movie and such...) dun worry dear.. will take care of them for you... he just hve to take good care of himself.. work hard and prove his capability.. improve his mandarin.. and prove his worth when he's back.. to play hard as well.. so that he can play host to us when we go over.. the most important thing is for him to be safe.. for his work to be smooth.. for him to come back safe and sound.... that is all the things i prayed for at "thian fu gong" today..

he bought his laptop today.. though heartache because it is expensive.. but i think it is best.. as once he reach there, he will have a lap top with wireless connection, and can start seeing him over the net. rather then he get his lap top there.. i cant see him for at least 2 weeks because he needs time to adjust to the life there before going out to shop for things.. thanks dear.. though i know is ex.. but i think its worth it...

well well.. is an extremely long entry... think have to stop here.. its late, i have to go and slp because tml is still a working day for him.. and dear is still at lau pat sat having supper with his friends... because he is still on leave tml! hmph!

2005-06-20T00:07:00.000+08:00

:: Hectic Week ::

okie.. its the end of the week and starting of the next.. it had been a long week....

the CSSP camp lasted for 2 nites, 3 days.. oh well.. everything was still quite smooth other than the small nitty gritty issues not ironed out by the committee and had to be resolved by the full-time staff... and that both nites i had to visit the A and E at NUH with different student isnt fun, esp when it occurs after 12am.. but.. thank my lucky stars or rather, the committee's lucky stars.. they are not big cases, and parents can be reached and students send back home safely...

because of that, i did not have any good nites' slp. so tired after the camp, but after i reached home i couldnt slp. somehow, the follow-up of the camp haunted me. i am worried that students are not actively involved in the process. haiz... it must be due to the fact that my boss kept calling me and nagging and tell me that the follow-up process had to be good, and that we could not afford to lose the students again... his nagging turned bad when i cant take it anymore, esp when i am not directly involved in the project, and the staff in-charged was not informed. like, when ever he called me, i will ask the question.. y are u telling me these? i am know the severity of the problem, but does the person in-charge understand? all the loose ends are being tied by me.. but, the person in-charge must be given a chance to learn. these lessons i learnt before, though i can learn more, but the staff in-charge should be given the exposure.. haiz.. i got so irritated that i vented out on my boss... (daring sia.. well.. he reprimanded me because of that after i am more aware of wad is burting out from my mouth.. )

well that is the end of the camp... i had some chance to rest.. though i am not into office work directly.. somehow, i am not in the right frame of mind to work... so i took my fri off...

*********************************

well.. next was upset with dear going to batam for cable ski without me, though i expressed my concern to him soon enough for him to cancel his trip.. but.. my mistake being that i asked him to go still.. without me.. haiz.. cant he understand that gers are fickle minded and their words cant be taken at face value? i am very rational most of the times.. but at some times.. i just cant stay rational.. i dunno y.. probably that is where i have to improve on...

i went to china town with yh to shop instead. well.. spend quite some money.. buying hair clips.. 3 for $10.. then bought a gio shirt.. and a straw bag.. i like my straw bag a lot! = )

********************************

then come sunday.. dear insisted that i have to go over to his place for dinner. i dun feel like going.. its a sun, i dun like to go out on sun... but he said that his dad wanted me to join them.. so..haiz.. have to go...

i came home from my grandma place before going over. i was early.. so i tot, i can have a afternoon nap first.. but somehow i had a nite mare.. and woke up late... woke up with a headache.. and smsed him that i will be late. quickly showered, and got out of my place, in fear of being late, and the possibility that i may caused his parents to have dinner late.

on my way.. he smsed me that dinner will be at 8pm. first tot was... heng ah... at least i din caused them to wait... then came the tot that since i have not had my lunch.. we may wan to get something to eat first.. so i smsed him and ask him if we should have a bite first...

but he called me and told me to hve lunch by myself.. because he is with his insurance agent.. and to look for him at mac after eating.. firstly, i am not in the mood to talk, or entertain any one.. secondly, i am tired, where can i go to hide since i am already around his place.. thirdly, i am slightly hungry.. but not those type that can eat anything.. not very hungry.. just need some drink to satisfy my stomach...

haiz.. where can i go.. go to a cafe and sit down with a cup of hot choco.. well.. the ambience there is nice.. probably i will go again.. (too smoky with food though)... and wait lo.. as i wait.. i got angrier.. i mean.. i came all the way down to meet u.. and u say u have to meet with an insurance agent? then wad for i come.. then i just got to know that i cant get my vcd (i should be able to get hold of it if i went to my grandad's place instead of his house).. which goes to say that i hve no vcd to watch for the rest of the week. argh.. so angry..

haiz.. is it me? too groucy? too demanding? but i am so tired.. y must he force me to go? am i too petty.. haiz.. i dunno.. all i know that i dont feel good at the end of the day.. must be me.. haiz..

now i dun feel like talking to anyone.. about any thing.. i feel so gross.. argh!

2005-06-08T22:35:00.000+08:00

:: my dear BF is upset ::

with?!

because i did not "appreciate" him when he did msg me good luck, and gave me a "good luck" call. He got jealous when the rest are recognised, while my dearest bf is not..

not true!

need to dedicate this special blog to him.. to thank him for being paitient with me when i discuss about driving.. answering all my queries... accompany me to the temple... help me break the news to his dad.. and lots more...

u are the dearest! how can miss u on my dedication "slip"...

=P

2005-06-08T00:08:00.000+08:00

:: failed and passed ::

okie, my bro at my side. very difficult sia.. "EH BRO, U KNOW WAD IS PRIVACY OR NOT? " never mind. haha

okies.. i failed my driving test, due to some very fundamental mistakes.. like striking down a pole? argh.. in my 6 months of driving, i never strike a pole down (okie.. let's give me 2-3 times of leeway la huh.. ) argh.. every thing was so smooth.. the tester was sooooo nice.. the route was pretty okie.. and the traffic condition was okie too.. i would have passed if i did not strike down that pole! how innocent. haiz

but i am consoled with the concern i get in the office. Apah, mas, jon, and carol msg me in the morn to calm my nerves... then there's steve and aza giving me some last min tips and encouragement before my test.. and some shared experience.. so..

THANKS A LOT, GUYs and gers! haha

******************************

wad else sia? my life so empty ah? haha.. okies.. looking for some place to go boxercise. okie. will do after this. been very unhealthy for the 3 weeks. should start having some exercise.. hmmm...

******************************

life at work is okie.. but i start asking for directions.. where should i be heading towards for the next 30 years? it had onli been 3 weeks, and i m bored in my job.. i may go back to something more HR.. been juggling with admin and HR. at least at my current job, i am given the authority to make changes, to implement stuff... okies, i should be more positive.

******************************

okies.. life has just been like this. will update more when something more interesting crop up my life! okies?

oh yeah.. watching the hong kong show recently.. haha.. more VCDs to pia!

tata~

2005-05-31T23:54:00.000+08:00

:: Moodless ::

haiz.. is that wad u call when u dunno wad to feel?

every day after work.. go driving or home.. then after that slp.. then go work again. time flies, and i had been working for the past 2 weeks? going to 3 weeks?

Time flies in office sia.. with apah unloading stuff for me to do once every 2 days... for me to clear my outstanding tasks.. for me to do the mundane stuff.. and everything.. time flies...

is that good or bad? hmm.. in a way.. think have to ask if i am wasting my time away...

well..i feel a sense of satisfaction when i set someting up, when i do up payroll, when i update the leave data.. a sense of satistfaction that something that was in a mess earlier on was cleaned up.. how nice.

**********************************

My house has 2 extra air-conditioners in my living room now.. so shiok.. can switch on aircon when i am home.. watching vcd. haha.. but come to think of it.. it is such a waste of money eh.. haiz.. how contradicting...

**********************************

Life not studying is so weird.. i start reading story books instead of textbooks.. i start reading jokes instead of project stuff.. i am starting to miss school...

come to think of it.. hmm.. ordered convo gown? i jsut ordered.. S leh. did not measure.. my friend say can change size again. haiz.. so troublesome. stil have to collect it on 27 june. argh...

*********************************

better blog something about my dear mouse before he starts complaining that i left him out of my life again.

Okies.. eh.. where to start? shall not talk about upset stuff la huh.. must learn to let go..

well.. i think i grew from this relationship. learn to be more understanding.. learn to put myself in his shoes.. learn to think like a guy... (for eg: A guy cant take directions, and cannot stand unsolicited feedback... as most books say.. when a guy goes into his cave.. cannot disturb him.. have to wait till he gets out of his cave.. then its in safe zone.. )

I begin to realise how childish i was before.. how wilful i was.. i am still childish and wilful still.. but at a manageable stage i guess... i am more concious of it.

i have more things to learn i guess.. i am still petty.. i still cant forgive immediately.. or rather, i dunno how to. how to just forgive and get going with life. sometimes i am so sick of being angry or upset. but i dunno how to face the apology and get on with life.. haiz.. something that i have to learn. guess will have to make my way down stage... life is just too short to get angry and waste time on it..

i also have to understand his feelings more.. sometimes i "scold" him.. i feel so bad myself.. but i just dunno how to stop myself. contradict eh.. sometimes.. i put myself in his shoes.. i feel so bad.. like.. he is trying to change already.. stop scolding him.. i irked myself when i tell him off.. farni ah.. haha..

well.. i think i have to learn to say sorry... think its passed down from my dad.. dunno how to say sorry.. not as vocal.. dunno how to express myself.. haaiaz.. yeah.. reflection.. must make effort to admit to my mistakes and apologise and get on with life. stop finding excuses for my own behaviour. repent.

Mouse has always been nice to me. most of the time though.. and now that i am bad to him.. haiz.. feel so bad.. so i shall change eh.. change.. change...

THE ONLY THING CONSTANT IS CHANGE

***********************************

so much for today's reflection. gotta go and slp early, so that i can wake up early or on time tml for work.

Take care folks!

2005-05-26T23:21:00.000+08:00

:: Work, work, work ::

have been hard at work these few days... haiz.. so much so that i am coughing ever since i recovered from fever. haiz..

office stuff has been pretty bad when i took over. i mean, there's no system in place, there are lots to clean up. to date, tml should clear all the admin files, then i will move on to the project files.

after that, then have to do payroll, and leave consolidation. my goodness.. where got time to do other things. haiz..

boss onli thinks that admin stuff every mundane. yes, they are, just that there needs to be a system in place.. once i get it up.. things should be better.. but.. i need time... Time....

*********************

Went for NVPC conference for the past 2 days. ok la... not too bad. good food.. and great speakers and panelists..

great speakers like Lt-Gen Winston Choo, Jack McGowan of SOLV, J. Gordon of Philippines, etc... Though some talks are just down-right boring, but i enjoyed the majority of the time.

sat beside apah for 2 days.. well.. he really like a father to me sia.. say i sick never see doctor.. say cancel my driving lessons, and go see doc instead.. haha.. so fatherly.. i think i am closer to him than the rest of his "daughters" because he is my direct supervisior. and i think he felt bad unloading all the admin stuff to me. so probably because of that, i got better treatment. haha

**********************

Driving sucks now. haiz.. now intensive lessons till my test date. argh.. and it has been very costly. very expensive.. but i think practice does make perfect. so, wad to do? take extra lessons lo.. no choice.. hmph.

now fantasing about the driving test.. and looking at my standard now.. i think the chances of me passing the test are small.. haiz.. Gambatteh!

**********************

talking about test, tml will be the release of results... well... different from other years.. this time we will know the honour roll...

i am almost sure i cant get first class.. so left with second upper and lower... with the no. of Bs and Cs i am getting.. i dun think i can get second upper.. so.. haiz.. if i can get second lower.. i should be glad.. though i am disappointed with that kind of results.. but.. wad to do? haiz..

**********************

Okie. gotta go. must get use to working life, where i have to slp early and wake up early. now the habit is slp late, wake up early. not enough slp. but.. haiz.. drank coffee at 7pm for driving, so much so that i cant slp now. haiz.

okies.. time to go.. tata~

2005-05-17T17:46:00.000+08:00

:: Sick and recoved ::

Pretty fast huh. hahz.

wasnt feeling well on my first day of work.. in the morning, i felt something wasnt right as i had a very bad sore throat though i did not eat anything heaty the nite before.. never mind.. i tot to myself.. everything will be fine.. i am just hallucinating. hahaz.

okies.. back in the office.. i tot i was fine until ard 11am.. could not take it any longer.. feeling so weak.. and giddy.. and feverish.. i tot it was me again.. hallucinating.. haha.. but when i took my temperature in during lunch hr... 38.6 degrees.. uh oh.. i am sick.. wanted to go home.. but after taking 1 panadol.. i feel fine again.. so i continued working till ard.. 7pm. haha.. i tot i was fine.. i wasnt.. i was having fever again at ard 4pm.. so i ask if dear can pick me up.. i would not be able to make it with the office crowd....

went to consult a doc at the polyclinic (oops.. we took a long way there... i said that it would have been faster on the MRT train.. and dear wasnt happy about it.. sorry la dear.. dun blame a sick person okies.. = ) ) and he gave me 1 day MC... and that explains how come i can be still online now.. and blogging...

was super weak when i got home.. just laid there and slept.. dear was nice enough to sponge me down.. = ) thanks dear.. sponge till i get slightly better and had soup for dinner... and then took medicine.. the medicine was effective..within 30 mins.. i can talk normally, and perspiring like mad! haha.. there was a difference!

okie.. now i am fine! hope the fever dun come back again.. or else i would have to go for a blood test tml! the doc suspect dengue fever... though he just mentioned viral infection... i will be back in office soon...

****************

i know.. i know.. all laughing that i am sick on my first day at work right.. i feel stupid too.. haha.. second day go on MC already.. bad impression.. haha... but do i have a choice? Carol forced me to stay at home.. though i forget to do something i am suppose to.. urgent for her.. sorry la ger.. blur.. was dying to see a doc then...

****************

feels like an extra holiday.. no wonder pple like to take MC after an long weekend. haha.. i shall not do that.. that's cheating! haha.. but after being well.. and able to run about.. i feel great...

but a headache is coming. think i better get some slp.. i hope the fever dun return... so that i can go back office tml.

2005-05-12T22:32:00.000+08:00

:: Recovered ::

all it takes is a hula hoop, a salad and a cut that made us well again.

how he tried to make me laugh trying out the hula hoop.. and how he encouraged instead of discouraging me... i am going to buy one hula hoop! it trains my waist.. and my stomach is aching now..

the cut on the finger some how shows the concern he has for me once again.. and i can feel it again.. the concern was written all over his face.. when he dun allow me to cut the honey dew again.. and how he cut the honey dew instead..

how he insist to put qing chao you on my small cut and how i resist.. those are so memorable.. the cut is worth the pain i had. it healed us...

*********************

Rach left for Cedar point today.. well.. there was much emotion... never mind rach! u will enjoy urself there.. its onli 3 months plus.. i am quite sure you will enjoy urself.. think positively.. take lots of pictures! if possible.. we may meet u at taipei! = )

**********************

a few more days to the end of my holiday. going to start work again.. 16 may. haiz.. i have yet to start work, i can feel the burden that's on me already. lots of things to me done.. lots of system to be in place.. ADMINSTRATIVE MANAGER. sounds nice.. but its just like any clerk work i guess.. something that u have to do everyday.. but no one knows u are doing something... Apah mentioned that if nothing happens.. if everything goes smoothly.. if i can find all documents that everyone wans.. it is a good system.. and that is my KPI. haiz.. so unmeasurable.. how?

***********************

talk abt it.. we went for KTV on tuesday.. haha.. it was pretty fun.. as there's a variety of pple there.. chinese songs, malay songs, english songs, cantonese songs, hokkien songs... not everyone understand all the songs.. but i hope everyone enjoyed themselves...

from the experience then i know that apah knows how to sing very well... ah yao too... they are great singers sia.. then i realised i cant see at all.. and mas can sing.. i cant sing... argh. so embarrasing.. haha..

and how we rushed to the mrt station to get on the last train.. i ran like mad to get on my train.. to realised that there's another one 7 mins later.. and THAT is the last train.. haiz.. feel so dumb!

***********************

Thinking of making Koniayku jelly on saturday.. hmm.. so fun.. probably do some cycling.. haha.. have to see if dear is tired or not... hope to do something meaningful.. after the salad incident.. i find making things so fun! but. need to have some money la.. haha

then probably can go rock climbing on sun.. anyone wans to go?

***********************

watching FULL HOUSE.. cant believe my mum watches it faster then me.. okie.. think i better go catch up with her ba...

2005-05-10T14:11:00.000+08:00

:: Petty ::

am i being petty for ignoring him for 3 days .. hmm.. i think so too.. probably its the hormones finding life boring and would like to add spice into my life. hahz.

but, cant he just say " okie, next time i will apply auto-roaming before going for trips" or " i will call back to tell u that i am safe the next time round".. sincerely.. looking at me in the eyes..

well.. probably he did say those, but not sincere enough.. i was thinking of it while watching FULL HOUSE (another korean show).. the ger was furious when the guy did not call home to let her know that he is coming home late, and the ger waited for him for the nite.. the guy just looked at her, and sincerely and apologetically say " i will call back the next time when i m coming home late, you need not wait for me.. i used to live alone, and hence was not used to calling back. i will call back the next time round."

wun that just solve our problem.. ? instead of using reasoning to try to make me understand why he did not apply for auto-roaming.. y not just say in future he will apply? this is not a rational issue.. but an emotional issue.. cant he just accept it...

everytime such things happen, i would have to use my brain to accept his rational reasons, and use my own heart to console the emotional issues.. this is so tiring..

these things will keep ocurring again and again, if the source of the problem is not found out.. and the post-problem solving does not improve... i dunno wad's the source of the problem.. i am trying to find out.. but its not I who need the reason.. its US who need the reason.. we need to find it out together.. if its unilateral.. its does not work.. it needs to be mutual.

haiz.. i have nothing to say.. i am just tired.. and dun wish to talk to him as yet.. probably when the hormones wish to give me a fresh breath again.. i will talk...

2005-05-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

:: Too much? ::

haiz.. dunno wad's wrong with me...

i was all fine yesterday.. going out with my gang of pple.. take photos.. shop.. go library.. everything jsut went fine...

well.. i dunno why am i so frustrated with JS... over small matters.. but somehow.. just felt.. that he wasnt as caring as before.. that he minded himself more than other pple.. i dunno.. probably its just me.. being in a bad mood.. me.. in a fix.. wanting to hear some opinion.. but he is just concern that he is going cycling the next day.. and need all the energy he needs to cycle the next day.. dying to go to slp...

he dun remember the days where he needs pple to talk to.. where we talk till 2am at my void deck.. did i ever say that i was tired.. that i need all the energy i need the next day? is it too much to ask him to talk to me a while more, with full attention? too much of me to ask him to help me think of my situation and give me some advice?

when i went overseas.. did i just leave my auto roaming on, just in case he needs to contact me.. and in case i need to contact him or my family... regardless of the phone bill.... is it too much of me to just ask him to subscribe to auto roaming.. so that when i tot of him, i can send him an sms, and need not go thru our friend... is it too much? hmm...

is it too much of me to ask him to give me a call when he's overseas.. just to ensure that he is safe.. and prevent me and his family from imaging things, and have a peaceful slp? too much?

am i too much? too much that showed him the cold shoulder? i dunno.. whenever i tot of these.. i find much anger.. should i just forgive.. and find excuses for him AGAIN.. just like the times before.... help him to possibly explain how the above mentioned incidents are just TOO MUCH?

VEXED

2005-05-07T01:42:00.000+08:00

:: I changed my blog skin ::

okie. its a DUH statement. very obvious heh.. i am not exactly a cow lover.. neither am i mooey.. but i just feel that the cows are just soo cute! haha.. cant help myself..

okies.. its the end of my papers... will officially graduate if my grades can make it on the 27 May.. i will know then... haiz..

***************************

Somehow i felt cheated. i mean, boss keeps changing my salary.. and is always reducing and not increasing.. some how i felt that i am baited, and i can be manipulated.. well.. we have a verbal contract.. i have evidence of his offer.. i know my rights.. i can repudiate my part of my contract.. it will not be anticipatory breach.. haiz..

but i dun wan to use it on him.. well.. we are all here on goodwill.. well.. no one wans a sour relationship.. haiz.. wad should i do?

i have a good mind to reject the offer if the salary just goes too low.. i have my plannings.. i am not another innocent ger.. who will be cheated by him.. i know wad he is doing.. i shall exercise my rights. hmm.. i shall write an email later..

*****************************

cant stand it. i shall write the letter now.. let u all know wad's the results later.. = |

2005-05-03T14:03:00.000+08:00

:: tml is my exam! and i have to blog the day before.. haiz.. ::

well.. i was trying NOT to blog.. but somehow, i let temptation get the better of me..

oh well.. tml's my last paper for the semester, my education in NTU, the end of the Singapore Education System...

now i am, here blogging.. haiz..

somehow, working sounds scary.. boss bought a new computer, and i can use it (yes! no need to carry notebook to work! yeah.. can separate work stuff and home stuff).. and bought a new chair.. hmm.. he mentioned purple for ladies. wahaha.. yeah right...

okie.. boss looked prepared for my entry to the organisation.. but i am not very prepared.. though i dread the 1 week at home not doing anything.. (and dear has to go on exercise for the WHOLE week) best.. nevermind.. i am independent.. i can find my own entertainment.. who needs guys.. hmph!

4th May: chalet.. 5th may: err.. anyone mentioned Ubin cycle.. with all my law notes. hahaz yeah rite.. 6th may: wah.. starting to nothing to do already.. 7th may: lunch with PPT and gang.. 8th may: JB shopping.. eh mas.. u confirm already or not? we go okies? 9 may: there's a seminar.. u gers going (somehow, i only have gers blogs.. hahaz)? since i have nothing to do, might as well...10th may: KTV... 11th may - 15th may: nothing to do.. though i sense that i will be dragged back to office to.. er.. interact with the pple there.. hahaz..

probably u think i am mad.. that so eager to start working.. haha.. i think i miss the pple there.. the jokes.. i havent considered the stress and pressure to meet deadlines as yet.. hmm.. well.. i am not allowed to work more than 12 hrs a day, not allowed to claim OT for more thatn 72 hours a month.. and Boss will have to be liable.. becos he breached is duty of care.. if he pressure me too much that leads me to have pychiatric harm.. hmm.. just revising.. ha ha..

*************************
okies.. that reminds me that i have to go back studying for my last paper.. it will be over soon.. so fast that i will start missing exams.. woah... scary...

good luck to all for ur last paper! = )

2005-04-28T20:28:00.000+08:00

:: back to my boring life ::

after last friday stint with my primary school teacher, nothing much happened for the past week..

haiz.. boring neh.. the onli thing i do at home is to study.. then RE-watch some vcds.. listen to songs, watch tv.. and do my knitting.. once in a while.. will have driving lessons..

oh well.. driving today seems okie.. seems to revive my confidence for my driving test. did my parallel parking today.. seems fun. hahaz.. challenging.. oh well.

saw BK when i was going driving today.. amazing.. he said that his test date is mid of next month.. hmm.. and he havent learn parallel parking.. amazing.. haha.. so what's there to worry for me.. haha.. but.. i have a long learning curve, the gradient is gentle. haiz.. retarded me..

saw lee ling at JP, ended her exams.. and she is also going to take her test in june too.. hopefully she pass la.. hopefully i pass too.. diana yao's one this week i think.. best of luck for hers..

suddenly pple ard me all taking test.. hmm.. so qiao.

haiz.. starting to worry for my driving test. wanted so much to pass it once and for all.. but dun hear many people passing test on first try.. and heard more pple failing their first test.. all discouraging.. and my mum is not confident in me at all, and start consoling me that it is okie to fail on first try, WHEN I HAVENT EVEN TAKE MY TEST YET! hmpf! ha ha...

okies. i shall work harder, learn better, so that i can pass on my first try.. hope the forces up there will help me. i am certain.. i felt it today.. = )

********************

boring life.. i guess, if i am studious enough, i may finish reading law notes by sat, and start revision on sunday. guess it will be the same as change where life starts to get boring.. oh well.. the best thing is that dear will be going to batam with his family over the labour day holidays.. booo hooo.. no one to entertain me for the next few days..

********************

well, starting work on 16 may, still thinking on how to spend my time. well.. rach flying on the 12 may. lets go out and have dinner.. still remember the lunch after change paper. it almost felt that my exams had ended. hahaz..

apah was telling me to cherish the time.. i will not have having exams FOREVER after my last paper.. apah scaring me ah.. but its true.. haiz.. my education life has ended, and my working life has started.. hmmm.. the next leg of my life..

*********************

hmm.. wondering when can we collect out convo gown.. hopefully its before 13th july.. then i can take photo with dear before he goes over to taiwan.. gers, wan to take photo at explanade before 13th july? since its at nite, cant take photo too.. might as well take earlier.. take it during the last week of june la.. just nice on long vacation.. = )

*********************

okies.. back to studying law.. haiz.. so sianz of it.. can i not study lecture 12.. he din even intend to go thru it himself.. so i guess its not VERY important? ha haz. dream on Joanne.. = (

2005-04-23T01:12:00.000+08:00

:: I met my Primary School Teacher! ::

Yes, i met Ms Tan at KCPS Founder's Day... Now she is the principal of.. Juying Primary School.. i think.. oh well... i was amazed that she remembers me.. and remembers that i went to CGS.. i was truly amazed by her memory..

10 years have passed.. *sound like Eason's 十年..* she did not change a bit.. she was far when i noticed her, and i noticed that she was the teacher that taught me in Primary school.. she was very fierce then.. and she claims that she still is..

i cant believe that she is the teacher that was so sacarstic to me when i was just 12 years old.. hinted that i am not good enough to be in her class, and ought to be in the next class because the next class students are better than the bottom few of her class.. haiz.. i guess i must be pretty hurt by her then... because i have this mindset that if i get to see her one day (before i met her today) on the streets.. i will definately boost that i am as successful as some of her brightest students in class.. even though our PSLE scores were not close at all..

But when i get to see her today.. she seems so much friendlier.. and even introduced me to another of her VP friend.. of KCPPS.. well.. she seems to be proud of me.. and as we recalled those times.. when she was onli in ther 3rd year of teaching.. how strict she was with us.. wad jokes to tell us instead of other classes because our class can understand her jokes more.. etc etc..

Well.. i think she was not that experienced at that time.. probably dunno how to handle a fragile heart.. or probably i was too sensitive.. hahaz..

was still quite amazed.. and surprise to get to meet her.. of all places.. the most unexpected places.. a place where both of us wanted to go and show face only... but in the end.. chatting happily..

********************

And also to mention to all that i am doing knitting now..

yes.. i am not studying Employment Law right now.. i am doing knitting.. oh well.. u can say.. HOW CAN?!

well.. after Change incident.. where i started studying early.. and ended up with nothing to do towards the exam date.. and being so bored.. i think i cna still afford to play for a few days.. before starting on my revision...

well.. it can even encourage me to focus on revision.. as i can reward myself after a long day.. and not get myself too bored.. hahaz

and somehow.. whenever i bring the handicraft home to complete.. there must be some mistakes.. and i cant continue into the nite. and i have to consult her tml again! haiz.. so sickening... if dun consult.. i will not be able to complete it at all already.. i feel so paiseh.. having to disturb the nice-nice auntie.. the auntie is so nice.. because she lets u know where you go wrong.. and repairs it for u... she is so paitient...

**********************

well.. my dear BF finally got his license.. (mentioned that before? ) and he drove me home.. i am so proud of him.. well.. mayb u think its no big deal.. but the fact that he just passed his test for 1 week plus.. and he dares to go up on the expressway.. on a manual car... i dun think i can handle a manual car well enough to pass my driving test...

talking about driving test.. i think i am going to flunk my test.. my instructor commented that i am too slow and my reflexes are slow, and i need to take 2 lessons per week instead.. haiz... dunno if it is my instructor cheating my money.. hahaz..

BUT...

How do you... at fourth gear.. brake.. switch to 3rd gear.. break and finally stop and step on clutch within like.. 15 seconds..

and.. how do you move off by a steep slope.. and not stall in the middle of the road.. and nevermind.. have to move activate the car fast by stepping on the clutch.. free gear.. pull handbrake.. start car.. engage gear 1.. accelarate.. release clutch.. and release handbrake and move off succesfully within 15 seconds..

haiz.. he said i need more practice... haiz.. so demoralising...

no income.. still have to spend more..

*******************

okie.. back to studying emp law.. Jia you for pple taking resort on wed.. svc mkting on thurs..! all the best!!

2005-04-19T21:58:00.000+08:00

:: First paper tml .. ::

Much can be said when i am blogging one day before my exam paper. I am not feeling butterfiles in my stomach. Instead.. i am pretty happy that the exam is finally here. My second last exam for my uni year. i dunno why.. but somehow.. i dunno how to prepare for this paper. much have to depend on the mode i am in tml. I seriously i hope it is an easy paper.. no need ot think too much.. just answer.. haiz...

sometimes, when u are over prepared, it may backfire instead. so, probably i can stop for now.. hmmm....

so sianz.. dunno wad to do tml after paper. i have another 2 weeks to my next paper. though the next paper may be more challenging then this paper.. i think i have more then sufficient time to prepare for it. then.. wad am i going to do in between again? it will be like this time again.. a long wait to take my paper.. haiz...

okie.. think maybe a last revision may help.. let me see if i can read thru my notes again.. then i should just call it a day...

Probably i need more confidence..

2005-04-17T18:31:00.000+08:00

:: I am still bored from studying ::

Haiz.. such a boring day. Met with the gers to study the case study for change, and ultimately, we are discussing how we spend our time during our study break.
well, of course i mentioned that i was bored. and they are amused.

like huh? u at home nothing to do ah?
Rach: I can watch any channel on tv as long as they have show. Even CNA.

well.. i watched tv, surfed the net, blogged, listen to music.. argh.. but i still bored. like being couped up in my flat. but too lazy, and dun wan to risk being guilty at the end of the day. argh. so contradicting.. so confusing.

Well, looking fwd to the VCDs Jo tang will be lending to me. hahaz.. but, for now, still bored.

i tot of studying my change case, but the case is getting on my nerves. the case is being read again and again, dunno wad the exam paper may be since the lecturer wasnt the same as the previous lecturer.. so, cant really spot on what the questions may be. so, seems to be studying aimlessly.

and worse thing of all, i am feeling that i am getting fat. argh.. ard the waist, ard the thighs, ard my face.. haiz.. that demoralised me further...

NVM..

in a few more weeks, i will be free from exams..... but i will be stepping into the working world...

Oh yah, and brings about, wad am i going to do after exams before starting work. i have ard 10 days break.

well.. going kayaking on saturday.. agreed by Mas... maybe going shopping? but no $$ no point rite?

then, watch tv at home for 5 days?! i will go crazy..

hope there will be a chalet coming up.. hmm.. maybe can go ubin cycle on sun..

then focus on vcds on the next one week before starting my 40 years of slogging experience.

Sounds like a lousy substitute for a graduation tour. argh..

I STILL FEEL BORED. haiz.. BORED does not = nothing to do, it simply means, got things to do, but dun wan to do. haiz.. well well...

okie.. will try to do something about case again. sianz.....................

if dear can drive over and bring me to have prata, i may be less bored. hmmm.... hahaz

well.. he just passed his license on thursday.. and he is super anxious to start driving legally...

That set me thinking of my driving test. just realised i lost my advance theory cert. do they need it for final driving test? haiz.. i doubt i can pass on my first try. seems scary.. my self efficacy reduces as i take more driving lessons. sighz..

err.. i am not sure if am confident of his driving skills.. i mean, if its for me.. i dun think i will dare to drive up the expressway on the 4th day after i passed the test.

maybe i have to think twice regarding the prata trip.. hahaz...

Lets be positive.. let's challenge myself if i can find meaningful things to do..

hahaz.. err.. like.. watching NKF show? Kate and Leopold.. well.. its more meaningful then sleeping rite? slping too much causes headache.. wahhaa..

Nevermind. i will find........

2005-04-11T23:49:00.000+08:00

:: bored studying ::

Haiz.. been studying these few days that i am so bored by it... every time apah msn me, will either start with, "r u studying or not" or will end with "study hard".. haiz...

BORED.. BORED.. everytime face change.. think its going to change me soon...

client entry. argh. must they stress so much on it? re and re-read about contracts.. contracts.. argh. irritating..

well.. studying halfway, suddenly miss Dear.. and also suddenly, it occured to me that i may not be able to see him as convieniently as i can for the next 2 years. that sadden me quite a lot... then i was thinking, should anything happened to me or my family within that 2 years he's not ard.. wad am i going to do?

I am not that weak.. i know i can handled all stuff.. but.. it just seem a lack of support. he may support me in taiwan, but, haiz.. scary tot, not to be brought further.

2 years will pass by soon.. just like i din realise that my grandma passed away for 6 years during the recent Ching Ming. Then i look at my grandfather.. somehow he looked sad when he visited my grandma. I overheard my auntie telling my dad about my grandpa's lumb in him.. said that tests had been run, but results not taken as yet.

Think i should go and pray and get a piece of my mind. Shall go with dear.

probably i should go and ask for advice too.. go and qiu qian... maybe i should..

2005-04-06T12:37:00.000+08:00

:: study break::

finally time to seriously sit down and look thru my textbook. haiz.. did not touch my textbook for a long long time.. luckily i am onli taking 2 subjects this year. whew...

today is my first day of my study break.. finally get to stop my part-time at heartware for a while. tink i will miss the place.. with the fun and laughter while getting serious work done.. like i just got to acknowledge an o-par, eh.. mas.. should be a-pah la... o-par is brother in korean leh!

this is just a glimpse of what happened in the office:

One of our colleague, Mr Sam, is coming out with a list of key people's contact information.

Jo: eh, Mr sam, must get a-pah's house phone and hp! just in case cant contact his hp, then can call house....

a-pah: y need to contact me? just contact my 4 "daughters" la.. One in HR, one in projects, one in volunteer, one in marcom... all can do my work... i no need to be contacted..............

Jo & Massie: Wahahah....

oh well.. since the 4 gers in office acknowledge Mr Ang (our General Manager) as our father, he has recognised that he has 4 "daughters" too...

well.. where do you get such working environment in other organisation? hahaz..

well.. though a-pah and mr Sam onli join us for less then 2 months.. they are integrating into our crazy environment... fast.. hahaz.. mr sam was or seemed very conservative... boss even warn us say dun joke too much in the office.. he may not be able to take it.. but he seems to be coping quite well with us.. hahaz

well.. back from retreat.. okie la.. not bad.. though its meeting all the way on saturday, it is serious stuff discussed.. and good outcome.. oh well.. boss say we should be going for a retreat after every major event.. oh well.. think i see my retreat coming in jul.. then another one in sept and one more next jan.. as if.. haha..

the retreat iteslf will be boring without the interested companionship..

pple like vic with his "tan gu ma boh",

shuan with is "my broken wing.. SPCA quick",

carol's "i will soak your camera in sea water" followed by Vicky's " i will bring ur lap top to the open sea to surf",

weng tat, ruiwen, jon, boon and yong..

with them.... the retreat was soooo fun... like in the middle of session 4, which is ard 9pm on saturday.. all the young ones are dying to go and swim and play.. so while boss is talking halfway.. we all went.. "thank you Mr Huang, Good Bye Mr Huang, See you tomorrow.." hahaz.. attempted to kick boss out of the room.. left him exasperated.. wahaha... okie.. u may not laugh.. but those pple at the retreat will know wad i mean..

how i miss those days.. hahaz..

oh well.. got to put a stop to this.. have to start STUDYING. becos exams are COMING.. (reminds me of a scene in office)

A-pah: so you not coming in tml rite?

Jo: yah.. or else if i fail my subjects.. i say a-pah ask me go office do work, no time to study lo.. so instead of A got C lo...

a-pah: wah.. i dun wan to see you tml.

Jo: wahahaha..

dun miss me too much... I WILL BE BACK!!

2005-03-31T23:15:00.000+08:00

:: My dear BF may be going INDIA! ::

Wahaha... crazy.. Wad stupid things SAF does.. argh

Oh well.. say Zann's nick and went to search google.. and true enough.. i can find my blog! and even cheoks old blog. guess becos it has my name too.. sooo scary..

haiz.. tml's our final presentation.. dun really wan to fuss about it.. tml going to bintan as well.. haiz.. dun have camera to take photo.. well.. its going to be a rush from school to home to ferry terminal.. horrible.. y must we board 1 hr earlier.. cant it be 30 mins earlier.. so many things to rush... argh..

okie.. gotta go and pack my stuff.. think i will miss my computer for these 3 days.. boo hoo..

gotta go and prepare for tml's presentation too... Last one.. Jia you! all the way!

2005-03-28T00:24:00.000+08:00

:: Untitled ::

My dear bf requested me to change the blog to something more positive, to prevent everyone who reads my blog in believing that he's that rotten.

Okie, today got some time, can blog a little.

Went for bintan recee yesterday. was so tired, though i think it was a fun trip.

haiz.. looking at change report just now.. i think our report can finally flow properly. i feel so stupid after looking at the final report. dunno wat got over me to write so much that is out of point, and got deleted in the end. haiz.. am i hard on comprehending the group thoughts? haiz. feel real stupid and rotten, but glad that the report is finally out and done with. think i have to do more for the next case.. but my self efficacy dropped till super low, that i dun think i should harm the group by compiling and such. haiz.. will see.. probably ppt slides will be harmless.. probably can do someting properly..

have another report due this fri.. and presentation this fri.. then i am off to bintan. sianz. though i know it will be a getaway.. probably fun.. thinking of it now.. dun really bring me much laughter..

haiz..think its probably just me. = S

getting slpy with work before me. haiz..

will the headache stop visiting me. haiz...

Is this a positive blog? hmmm..

2005-03-20T14:13:00.000+08:00

:: it was a shitty nite ::

Haiz.. yesterday was a shitty day. Late in the morning for work, walked so far to the college.. btw, its at EXPO. the other side of the island for me. but adidas sale was okie.. lunch with the birdies and carol is fun.. all shit starts at sentosa.

Was suppose to go to a mutual friend's birthday. was so tired, that i fell aslp from kovan all the way to harbour front. dun even know where am i, i just slept and slept till i heard the station harbour front. think becos of the lack of slp, i got a huge headache once i alight from the mrt.

well, we met, bought some food. bought a cup of coffee, and we are off to sentosa. Was slpy still though i had coffee. think its becos i am physically tired after the KTV session. nevertheless, was so tired...

Reached there, i tot the friends will be friendly. but they are cliquish. they know each other before hand, but i dont know any of them except him. nvm, i tot we can break the ice, and probably the nite will not be so bad.

but, they are not interested in getting to know me. its hard for me to break the ice. they all had internal jokes. i felt so left out... so out. no one to help me to get in. not even him. he was just socialising with the rest. it was worse then his social nite.

the onli amusement i found there was the cat. tot we are alike. abandoned, no one to talk to. all alone. so sad when the cat went away. my onli companion was away.

So lucky that i hve an excuse to go home to celebrate by bro's b-day. though i have expected them to blow the cake without waiting for me. i am still glad that i can go home. it was hell for me there.

he did offer to send me home, but did not insist. so, i guess he still wanted to stay there and entertain his friends. i drank. first time i found red wine refreshing. first glup was refreshing, second glup was gross, third glup i was almost puking. turning so red.. i dont usually drink, but that time, i think red wine can share the tots with me.

dont understand y he ask me to go when he's not ready to be with me. i think it will be better if he went alone. the nite may not be so bad. if someone talked to me chatted with me, probably its not so bad. i was practically left alone there. onli the host was nice to me. the rest talked among themselves.. i felt like a sore thumb.. even the person who brought me there ignored me. i cant take that, i dun wan to be anti-social. but no one wans to be socialise with me. a clique, how to break in?

i wanted to disappear from the scene. walked out of sentosa myself.

i reflected. is it me? am i taking too far? maybe from the dehydration, causing the headache.. but, me? too much to make a fuss? i think now, 1 day after the day, i still can feel the soreness..

let me reflect again. i wan to forget, but guess, this will not be good solution. haiz.

i hate my weekend.

2005-03-18T11:48:00.000+08:00

:: After a long nite of KTV ::

last nite was seriously a fun-filled nite with KTV, crazy imitation, jumping on the chairs of K-box.. screaming at the top of our voices..

woah.. its a long time since i let my hair down.. sorry la gers. took a long time to unwind.. singing is not my cup of tea.. (just realised the 3 gers really can sing...) okie.. PPT, i register u for the next Singapore Idol.. wahahaa..

We sang till 3am... when it is 1am plus.. all was so lethargic that all the songs we choose requires us to jump on chairs.. wahaha.. then there is a shang hai tan... Long ban.. *dong dong dong* .. Long Lao.. *dong dong dong*.... tuo diao too! *tuo! tuo! tuo! tuo! tuo!! *

Being with the gers are just so fun.. now i am addicted to KTV.. and PPT's Tong Hua.. argh.. that was the first song that came to my head when i woke up at 11am. oops.. i missed my adidas sale.. no time to go leh.. today is the onli best time to go .. have to work on sat morn.. then sun morn might as well dun go rite?.. neh...

Think i will miss my creative sale too.. no one to go with me too.. though i will be in the vicinity..

think i will get my sling bag today? hmm.. found that leather bag is not so bad afterall.. think i will be concern of the price onli.. Saw Iris carrying a leather bag.. looks okie leh...

2005-03-16T18:53:00.000+08:00

:: argh!! i lost my blog! ::

haiz.. my previous blog was titled a series of unfortunate events. it has to enhance it further by not publishing it. argh.. haiz...

yesh, series of unfortunate events.. ever since this year.. from the australia trip to taiwan trip. from kayaking trip to kinabalu trip... haiz.. all stealing my dear away from me... oh well.. i cant stop it.. is his life.. i put myself in his shoes... i would want to go to Taiwan too.. i also wish to be posted out... if it is me, i dont wish anyone would stop me from going.. so i have to understand.. its an experience, though i would think its an unexpected prison sentence of 2 years... will not be released earlier even if there's good behaviour...

haiz... well.. lets be positive.. there is a series of fortunate events too... ranging from the trek with dear and Mohan.. quite interesting trek ard macritchie.. to handling up of FYP on Monday... to buying Present for our dear PPT (HAPPY BIRTHDAY PPT! hope you will like our gift!) to tml's KTV treat.. oh well.. there's a balance then...

Now dear is at Sembawang Park.. so called having a kayaking trip.. stay over on Sembawang park also considered as a stay over trip ah? dun even need to cross channel i think... so boring...

now having rashes sia.. sickening office seems to have dust all over.. making me have patches of rashes.. haiz...

well.. going to bugis with Mas later.. managed to drag her for a shopping trip... thinking of buying a bag for myself.. hahaz.. i wan a sling bag.. my haversack breaking down soon... yeah.. just an excuse to buy another bag...

spending a lot this month.. from kayaking course.. to ktv... to... FYP printing projects to driving.. all very expensive sia.. and if i buy something later.. going to be more expensive.. okie.. lets keep the budget to be 20 bucks and below... ha!

looking fwd to tml's outing.. and great! J Kennedy has extended our deadline. something to cheer about!

2005-03-10T11:25:00.000+08:00

:: A roller coaster week ::

haiz... i dunno how to feel now. felt numb...

sat and sun was perfect.. we went kayaking, 1 star course.. it was so fun.. u kayak.. u laugh.. u capsize.. and ur friends laugh.. woah.. it was so fun...

my monday felt so fresh.. never felt so fresh on a monday before.. like endless energy.. i finished my CIP hrs for OOH... my FYP coming to and end... working for 3rd draft.. i felt good...

Haiz.. the roller coaster came when dear say he confirm flying in June. haiz... june.. that is 3 mths time.. wad can i say.. and once he go over, he will be there for 2 years.. only entitled to come back once a year.. and definately not during CNY... haiz.. 2 years! 2 years! that is equivalent of him going overseas to study. well.. overseas to study, at least got freedom to move abt.. he's going to a military camp.. so almost like.. prison.. no internet access.. no shopping areas.. nothing to look fwd to.. hiaz..

both of us are sad. we will miss each other definiately.. i worry for him and myself.. no matter wad.. we are almost spending our free time together.. suddenly... we are no longer in each other's life.. for 2 years.. no quality time together.. how to survive? haiz.. how are we going to spend our weekends? no more kayaking, no more trekking, no more relaxing at the reservoir.. how to pass time? how to communicate? over msn? over web cam? that is if the camp allows a web cam..

worry for him.. who to take care of him when he is sick? who to ensure that he takes regular meals? to ensure that he is not too stress, and chill out often? worry....

cracked a joke with him that though he goes overseas, saved up a great deal of money for marriage to find that his bride to be is another person's wife. that will be a love tragedy. Was laughing so hard that i teared. did i tear out of happiness? or did i tear out of sadness? I think its the latter.

haiz.. think so much of this, also no use. wad's going to happen will happen. wad to do? well.. its a test of our relationship i guess.. but will it sustain for 2 years.. haiz.. very scary.. i dunno... i hope it does.. probably with 2 people being positive, things may work out fine..

first time i wish for a war to happen, between taiwan and china, so that dear no need to go over. but its dumb.. how can i be so selfish? haiz...

being positive.. can i do it? i hope so... i hope so...

2005-03-05T00:22:00.001+08:00

:: Irritating F* Up SAF system! ::

cant stand the SAF HR system! How can they send an officer overseas to taiwan without seeking the opinion of the officer himself? what if he has some commitments that cant leave the country then how?

I promise myself to fight all the way up if the posting comes. I have my means... Dun underestimate me... when i am determined to do something, coupled with emotions, i am not the Jo that will give way to everything........

Haiz.. y waste my energy to be angry with the system... haiz.. dunno.. think i dun dare to think and image 2 years without Dear by my side.. 2 years! normal NSF goes over for a year only... haiz.. how? though i sounded strong above, i dunno if i can do it. probably he wans to go over to taiwan now... but.. y? y does he have to go when i am about to take the next big step in my life, to step into the working world? y, the timing is so zun??

haiz...

*******

Well, we went to watch Howl's Moving Castle yesterday. was so fun.. actually.. if i go watch for the anime only, probably not worth it.. but with the gers.. everything seems so worth it. think its the company ba.. the company is terrific! dunno y.. but everything looks just perfect!

Lets go for another one after FYP submission date. then we can officially play! = )

Same as PPT, i will miss Uni life.. esp when we all live all over the island.. difficult to get together, unlike now, where everything is so straight forward.. JP lo...

Miss uni life, where its filled with company. i can forsee myself staying at home to watch tv after work, not knowing where to go after work.. must gather together to chill out eh!

Haiz.. another 5 more weeks together.. as the saying goes.. you will not cherish it until its lost..

so i have to cherish it now eh..

when's our next outing gers??

2005-03-05T00:22:00.000+08:00

2005-02-22T13:45:00.000+08:00

:: Dear went overseas, FYP, Jay Chou Concert VCD, Etc ::

Okies.. after such a long time of not blogging, suddenly there are lots of things to blog about...

well.. dear went overseas on sat to tuesday (today).. oh well.. i can say that the days where speand quite peacefully, where i studied, did my work, did my FYP and stuff... well.. though time was spend meaningfully, i did not mop around and not do anything.. but, some how, there is still a kind of emptiness in me. i did not understand that emptiness until i watched the vcd, the attic cat.. the guy in the show explained to me... its the company you get.. regardless wad you do, though you are occupied, its the emptiness in your heart that makes you lonely.. well.. watching VCD is not harmful too... hahaz... waiting for your call dear...

Saturday was chingay.. oh well.. yesterday heard mas talk abt chingay.. i think it was much fun.. fun that i missed.. but again.. if i go there, i will not be able to help much.. scared i boss too much.. hahaz.. so, i persuaded myself not to go.. well.. heard that there was sufficient manpower to help mas.. so, at least i dun feel too bad.. hahaz

Ok, FYP.. rushing reports.. hopefully can submit one draft by this week.. think we are very late in submitting our first draft.. worried sia.. other people have already submitted ard 2nd draft or something.. well... hopefully all these nonsense will come to an end soon sia... its tormenting...

Jay Chou concert VCD was good.. it made me promise myself that i will go for his next concert 2 years later.. hahaz.. well.. i was asking my bro.. wad's so good abt him.. other singers can sing as well as him.. other singers can rap as well as him.. y is he appealing? guess its the charisma.. guess its style.. the coolness.. and i like his lyrics.. oh well.. some of it then.. becos i dun understand abt 50% of the lyrics he wrote.. hahaz.. esp the rapping part.. Wai(4) Po(2) was good lyrics.. so touching that he dedicated the song to his grandma.. i shall save for his next concert... who wans to make the same promise as me? wahaha

i think i got a fetish for men who are well dressed.. hahaz.. esp those in coats and ties, crisp shirt.. i dunno.. think they have a special kind of chrisma and appeal.. i like guys in that attire since young sia.. (just realised) haahz.. too bad dear is in civil service.. dun get to wear shirt and tie.. hmph...

okie.. think i should return back to my FYP writing proposition 2.. argh... its getting so irritating.. like so much writing to do.. so much things to think.. so much work from heartwaare.. positive thinking states that it is a test of time management and stress managment.. training me how to prioritise my things... but..... sometime its just so tormenting.. just wish to run away from all these, and do something i wan to do.. like going ubin for a ride... going kayaking... (anyway.. tot of becoming a kayaking instructor to moonlight on weekends next time eh.. hahaz.. ) argh...

2005-02-07T13:20:00.000+08:00

:: New year soon...::

Wow... first time i see there are 3 posts together. rare sia.. hahaz..

okies.. let me reply.. yes rach and ppt, will be going over tonite, but i will pengs becos i think i m tired. hahaz..

Cheok, you wan to go to the tanjong pagar one? The facilities not really fantastic.. but its onli 4 bucks.. cheap cheap.. if you wan, i jio you next time. should be every thurs..

Okies.. now, my blog (feels like as if i am clearing my email) hahaz...

New year.. last few days were like, super pack.. friday after the meeting, rush back to NTU for impresario. Was like.. at 6pm, i told boss we have to go. then

boss ask: "wad's the time now?"

Jo ans: "6pm"

Boss ask: What time do you have to go?

Jo ans: 530pm..

Boss gave that.. oops.. look .. pengz. then carol there, quiet quiet, though she will also be late for her crepes making session.. diao! then on the way back to the car, she was like walking damn fast.. she's tall, her legs are longer.. of course walk faster la. i have to jog beside her. Make sure i beat her at swimming. HMPH. lets see who can hold their breathe longer under water! = P

Okies.. then its impresario. not bad. stuck to the song very nice.. hmmm.. most of them are good la..

then sat, hmm.. boss ask me to go to Tanglin Police Division, to hear the briefing of Chingay. Okies la.. go lo.. met alvin tng. small world. he went for church at Novena..

Then went to dear's place. we were so tired that we fell aslp. then i woke him up to pack his room, he refused. until 2 hours later. ai yo.. start throwing his things away. so fun! wahaha... but i think its faster and more efficient. as in, i am those who loves to keep things, and i mean, useless things.. he too. so i helped him to rationalised y he needs to keep his things.. managed to throw away quite some things.. not bad... he's welcome to throw my things too! = p

then went home, suddenly, think still under the spring cleaning mode, i cleaned my room. fast.. haha.. clean my hamster's cage too! she deserves a spring cleaning too! hahahaz...

sunday continued, then we had steamboat at home. so fun.. so delicious.. but cleaning not fun sia.. but manageable with Bro's help. Think next time can have steamboat more often. my mum bought 20 bucks worth of food, and its still left over for a family of 5 eh! the steamboats at marina is making money like mad!

Then was rushing thru FYP at nite.. ai yo.. slept at 4am.. so, that is y i sate in my opening line, i will be tired...

wow..seem to come back to a full cycle sia.. hahaz..

okies.. waiting for seminar to start at 230. meanwhile, i better start doing FYP, so that i can have a happy new year!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

GONG XI FA CAI
WAN SI RU YI
XIN XIANG SI CHENG
XUE YE JING BU

2005-02-04T15:09:00.000+08:00

:: Bad Nitemare ::

Wah, had a very bad nitemare last nite. After my dad woke me up in the morning to do his writing of disk, i had a nitemare sia.. dreamt of a human-look-a-like monster who can eat people.. ee.. and everything looks so real.. that i can still vividly remember the scenes after i woke up. I hope it did not mean anything.

Went rock-climbing at tanjong pagar yesterday with dear. Okies la. for NTU students, its only 4 bucks, equipments all provided. But, onli setback is that the walls there are not very high, the walls look quite worn out. but if you are afraid of the sun, and wish to climb at nite, its quite a good place. the people there are all friendly, can just say hi, and they can make friends.

But, i dun think i will go there alone, as yet. probably not warmed up to me yet.. but okies la.. the climb is quite easy, but if you play "colour" probably its a little more challenging. Good way to relax on a thursday. The people there are all working class, and.. i mean.. if i start to work, the week will appear much shorter, as come to wed, will think of thurs rock-climb, and after rock climb, it will be fri, and end of week! hahaz...

Okies, going to meet carol now. She going to fetch me to the park, and back to NTU for Impressario. Hope it is good. its our last year already. y not just try... hahaz

thinking if shld join rach, ppt and winnie for the mon dinner. i think it should be fun! = )

2005-01-29T23:46:00.000+08:00

:: Korean Drama Freak ::

I am much a korean drama freak these few weeks sia.. caught little bride, 14 discs, 22 episodes in 5 days. wow.. i am also amazed with myself! hahaz.

i seek consolation in the drama. In the drama, i get to see the impossible side of relationships, such as perfect understanding of each other, being sensitive to each other at all times.. enjoying each other's company and such. Reflected, and realised that, in life, things dont fall into place so easily. all need an extra effort on somoeone's side.. hmmmm...

getting very tired of life.. dunno y.. not that school work is extra tiring. but, just feel tired. need motivation. keep wanted to go and play and forget all my responsibilities in life. how can, Joanne..

tired.. tired.. tired... hated orchard road these few days. no wonder i dun really like to visit orchard road for the past 2 years.. just like i cant have BK for 1/2 year after celebration tree. sick sick sick...

but.. where's my positive attitude? i tried.. i try.. and will keep trying to keep my spirits high.. but i think i need a holiday to somewhere.. but how come, no matter wad dear say.. as in, wad locations he suggested, dont really interest me eh. hmm.. i wanna go Korea.. end of this year. = P

I NEED A BREAK! i wanna go Johor and SHOP!

Looking forward to CNY! Yeah.. its here again! Long weekend!

2005-01-18T01:39:00.000+08:00

sighz..

sch started for the third week already, how come i dun feel like i am back to school? I felt like i am half working already, and i am dreading that life already.. cant imagine when we go out and work. life will be miserable...

HEY HEY HEY.. be positive.. okies.. that is my first resolution.. POSITIVE.. this word refuse to enter my brain. Trying to force it to be intergral, part of my thinking process...

Tired.. was running around. being puzzled by a lot of things.. sighz.. need time to heal...

2005-01-10T02:36:00.000+08:00

:: Okie.. school has started.. ::

Sigh, no, i have not abandoned my blog. Simply have no time or energy to update it.

I felt like I am recovering from jet lag. trying to convert my working hours from 10am to 10pm instead of 2pm to 3am. disasterous.

School started. felt so bored. less classes.. I am not bragging that i have less lessons.. i just feel not like the usual of rushing projects and classes like other friends i have. i feel kinda weird... = S

then dear is deciding whether to go or not to go. although its a little late that he is thinking now instead of earlier... but i can understand that he's in a fix now. though i wished that he will not go, and finish a part-time degree in NTU or NUS, but... sighz.. he wans the experience in australia for a hefty sum of 80K.. sighz.. probably that saddens me the most.. sighz.. experience is more important that my support..

But well.. i know i have to try my best to support him, whatever final decision he makes.. = S i got a bad feeling is something i dun really like.. hmmm...

Pray that he has the energy to think thru properly, and enable him to make a just decision soon...

okie... rattling off for around 10 mins or so. its late. i gotta work tml. so i better gtg. tata~~

2004-12-28T01:40:00.000+08:00

:: oh well, school is starting soon ::

wow, christmas ended with a bang man.. hahaz.. enjoyed myself during christmas eve. was at countdown, with much order, and much control. JJ lin came to perform, together with Gurmit and Moses Lim. It was all quite fun!

Then we went out for a midnite movie. Meet the Fockers. oh well. i agree it is a bad movie to bring teenagers to watch. Quite filled with sexual content (reason it is a NC-16 show..) luckily all the volunteers who watched it is above the age of 16. Or else, my head will roll...

after that, some of the volunteers are quite excited to be at orchard in the wee hours in the morning, with a shelter over our heads. I was tired, and not very excited as i had passed this for 3 years consectively. not very interesting and exciting for me. hahaz. oh well.. i understand their excitment.. i was slping at Peter's room for an hour, in an awkard position.

volunteers left for the first train. i passed the keys to boss, and left for home. showered and slept from 8am thru till 12pm. reluctant to wake up though.. but have to.. rush back to the park. so quiet. only a handful of volunteers came. oh well. its the same trend. but we had our share of fun. time flies sia..

now, anticipating for new year's countdown. and post event, and start of school. think i will have to take more offs recently. to cope with school, to cope with work, to rest for the start of the new semester. this year start so early.. so sickening. school used to start on the 10 Jan. That gives me a week of break! but now.. i am going back to school as tired as i left school.. wad irony..

ok.. time to make new year resolution. i decided that i had to change certain things, and have certain goals for the next year.

1. Aim for 2 As for the last 2 subjects i am taking.
2. Aim for second upper honours
3. Aim to change to be more decisive
4. Aim to get my driving license next year
5. Aim to get some investment done. Probably try to invest in bonds. see what financial planner advice.
6. Aim to save 10K by the end of this year.
7. Exercise regularly.

Hmm, as for the rest.. i have the next 4 days to decide.. hmmm...

Last but not least, thanks Dear for the sweet card. Almost teared when i read part one, that is y i din wan to read it at ur place. You remembered the times.. = )

Early Happy New Year to all!!

2004-12-20T01:20:00.000+08:00

:: Back from a long break ::

I am back to reality.. after 3 days of break.. sighz.. i dread reality...

but i had a great getaway, though i did not get out of the country.. it was away from my problem.. away from stress.. just play and enjoyed myself..

Oh well.. think i am too contented with life.. i had straight Bs for all my subjects.. sighz.. there are a lot of people out there getting 2 As and above... and i did not get any As for this semester.. sighz.. to think that i am quite happy with my results.. i ought to be ashame of myself.. sighz..

The cashflow game is VERY INTERESTING... get to learn how to support ur expenses with ur passive income.. and when it comes to the fast track.. cash does not seem to be a problem to you anymore.. becos it just start coming in...

THat led me thinking. how should i spend my money.. tot of buying real estate.. and rent the place out.. tot of buying bonds.. tot of playing stock.. tot of buying properties in Malaysia.. hahaz.. tot of everything sia.. tot of how to use the money from the rental to pay off my car.. tot of using money earn from interest and dividends to pay off my retail therapy bills.. tot of investing in other's business... Rach! u need a Slping Partner in ur shop? I can be one! ahahaz..

Well.. realised thru the game that it is real silly to look forward to ur pay check all the time.. because it does not solve ur problem.. need to pay off liabilities in order to move on.. hmm.. learnt alot.. really a lot...

then dear and i watched VCD just now. watched 2 VCDs.. the 突然发财.. and 我的野蛮家教.. wah.. the korean show very farni.. so cute.. with the actor.. dunno name.. should find out sia.. so shuai!! i realised using our time together like that better then spend the money in the cinema.. where we cannot communicate.. cannot laugh loudly.. watching at home.. can drink and eat.. can laugh loudly, and talk and share.. can sit how we like.. and it is cheaper! with more people to watch! haahaz.. that shall be the way man.. cheaper!

okies.. gotta to go and prepare Dear's christmas present. The tot of dear going overseas in feb really saddens me.. sighz.. but i shall be positive.. = ) i have to be there for him.. he will need my support! = ) GO DEAR!

2004-12-13T01:12:00.000+08:00

:: to summarise ::

i was missing for 2 weeks i guess... was so tired.. so bz.. these few days i hardly slp man..

FYP is almost killing me.. killing me softly sia.. its the commitment that i had to finish certain things by certain time. i tot i can, but i cant.. who can help me like that.. i m seriously worried for my FYP at times.. it doesnt seem to be moving on.. that is so scary.. so scary.. how to convery my fear to my team mates?? or am i over reacting?? sighz.. i dunno

work is also killing me.. working from 2pm to 11pm.. come to think of it, the hours not very long wad. its just 1 hour more than office hours.. how come i feel so tired.. and burnt at the event.. i guess its because of the travelling everyday.. 2hours on the train.. so horrible.. wasting of time sia.. sigh.. or is it just me.. am i the only one who is tired? or because there are other commitments.. probably.. i remember 2 years ago, the burden is not that great..

sometimes i wish i have the time to carefully think wad do i want to learn from this event sia.. every year i had been doing this, for 3 years i guess.. i do the same things over and over again.. wad is value adding for me? other than having more responsibility each year.. and boss resting more each year.. wad do i gain.. i seriously thinking wad can i learn.. i regret not being on the ground more often.. how i wish i can go out fund-raising with them.. go out ice-skating, or try my hand on silkpro a day.. that.. i will learn something. at silkpro.. i can learn how to promote.. somehwere i need to improve on.. talking to strangers..

but.. here i am.. stuck.. not moving ahead.. sometimes i think too far.. something near will happen.. then i m distracted again.. i lose focus.. and i begin wasting my time.. boss kept saying that he receive 1 long email from me each year.. i cant help it.. sometimes i wish i dun wan to write to him.. sometimes its so stressful at the event.. i seriously need a break.. how to have a break man.. i m dying..

see.. as i m suppose to do my FYP now.. i am here.. blogging.. isnt that wasting of time.. i reflected.. my discipline level is getting lesser and lesser.. i aimed to wake up early to complete all my FYP readings .. do my analysis and stuff.. things are NOT moving.. sighz..

okie okies.. i shall go and do my stuff..

oh yah.. i met violet and choi ying at the MRT yesterday.. i am so amazed how different they are.. violet is so extrovert and choi ying.. as usually dun really talk much.. realised i m so far from them.. they are from HCJC and NJC.. see.. not my seh.. but well.. at least i m in Uni.. must prove Ms tan wrong. haiz...

see i digressed again. tata~

2004-12-02T11:57:00.000+08:00

:: Dear bought me an MP3 player ::

so sweet! i've been looking forward till this day.. until my neck grew so long.. hahaz.. enjoying every moment of the player!

THanks Dear!!

2004-12-02T11:53:00.000+08:00

:: Sly lost the Singapore Idol ::

Was a little sad that he did not win the idols. Oh well, have to admit that his singing is not that powerful compared to taufik. hmm..

but, it's okie. becos the winner will have to cut a singles that is already pre-written for the idols. that will mean that it is all english. So, Sly din win, so he may have the chance to cut a Mandarin album! hahaz.. oh well.. i mean, he is already that famous, y would any record company miss this STAR. i mean, save cost on publicity rite? hahaz.. all publicity done for you, you just have to invest in cutting an album. wad a good deal! haahaz

its okie, its alrite... we have good sportsmanship! = )

when is our outing? hahaz

2004-11-25T01:54:00.000+08:00

Before and After...

Life before / during exams is so different from after exams.. hahaz

Before / during exams, all i have to do is to focus on my books. anything that is more, or not related to books, will have to wait till after exams..

uh huh! so now, its after exams.. everything is so pack! the event is so bz, that i can forget lunch and dinner in a row.. given that the launch is coming, the youth concert too... i have lots of things to rush out and confirm. that is a little scary ...

and, Fang has to call me up and tell me that FYP is late, that we are falling behind schedule. wad the.. he was the one who reassured us that we can start everything after exams.. and now he is the one scaring us. sighz.. dun like my FYP teacher.. BUT.. be positive.. he may be good too... well.. we shall see...

oh well.. no time to go out.. no time to spend money. hahaz. wad weird thing to say rite? becos i m stuck at orchard, i hardly touch my wallet! i mean, i have concession for MRT, and dinner is provided.. and i had lunch before going to work.. so.. i hardly have to chance to spend money.. but i m grateful.. = )

finally got a time to watch a movie.. the incredibles.. so cute.. jack jack. hahaz.. not a bad show.. though i expected it to be slightly better.. probably farnier... well well.. at least i get to relaz and enjoy the show..

oh well.. have to start reading my FYP.. sianz...

Positive, positive, positive...

2004-11-15T13:49:00.000+08:00

~ i did not study for the past 2 days..~

Sigh.. so guilty..

I wanted to finish all my readings by sunday.. and start on the rote memorising today..

BUT...

I ask boss.. i can only make it either on sat NITE or Sun NITE. Choose..

Boss ask me to go down to the launch on Sat to help our since Mas has to leave early for Hari Raya... i was so lost.. becos i wasnt kept in the loop for such long time.. but well.. i guessed i passed the day smoothly. I left at 1145pm.. reach home at 1am.

Then.. i tot no need to go down on sun.. then Mas say she not coming on sunday.. no GM on ground.. then say i need to go down!! i was like.. huh.. then how to study?? Boss say he will take over.. but i just have to be on STANDBY... he say he can let me study.. just me on STANDBY.. but i knew i cant study on site.. because everyone will look for me and not him.. and he will be too bz to handle them.. okies.. but he ask me to TRUST HIM.. okies.. i trusted him..

in the end.. i only get an hour of studying a few pages of LTD!! sighz.. was so angry with myself.. and wanted to study the nite thru.. then i realised i cant when i finish all the admin work at 2.30am. woah.. my eyes started to close.. and i slept on the table at 4am AGAIN.. and woke up at 4.30am, gave up, and turn off the lights and go to bed..

sighz.. and i m still here blogging.. i cant believe it..

but.. one good thing is that the past 2 years papers are sooooooooo similar.. it is almost like a photocopied exam paper from previous years.. so i hope and pray hard that the papers is like the year before.. then can spot.. sure got the andropy and pedadory and the structured vs unstructed OJT one.. and training needs assessment.. training outcomes..

I hope he.. the lazy professor gives the same questions.. then may be i can get a B.. and not a C..

Aimed for an A... but.. dun think can liao.. shall lower my expectations.. sighz...

Nevertheless.. shall aim high.. ahahaha.. yah rite..

okies.. back to books... ARGH!

2004-11-13T01:46:00.000+08:00

~ things are getting less interesting after 2 years.. ~

sighz..

wad happened between us 2 years ago and now.. is different..

i get to see the pattern of before-and-after marriage scenes.. without getting married. hahz..

luckily i saw if before marriage.. if i saw that after marriage, it would be too late.

getting afraid of marriages. wad a scary promise.

Sighz..

2004-11-10T13:48:00.000+08:00

~ I M BORED.. ~

sighz.. its almost 1pm, 30 mins behind my scheduled revision time.. wah.. sianz.. dun feel like doing revision at all.. LTD sux.. but again.. its all in the mind.. i have to convince myself that it is an interesting paper.. and i will love it..

LIAR..

nvm.. will still try my best to concentrate.. well.. i can only change 50% of my fate for LTD, since the other 50% is already fixed.. oh well.. y bother.. neh..

BE POSITIVE..

As boss always say.. nothing positive, dun say. Or else the negative will manifest on the negatives.. and it comes more negative.. hmm.. probably that is how he manage to cope with his "Challenges" hahaz.. soooo "positive" = p

well.. PPT sound bz with her bro's wedding.. so fun.. i mean.. u get to see ur bro stress without u getting stress.. hahaz.. so cute when they tried to look for a ring at 2am in the morn.. that must be so stressful.. but.. fun.. right?

well.. being the eldest of the family.. i think i will be the first one.. unless my bros come up faster then me.. hahaz..

marriage is so scary... wedding is so stressful.. y would anyone wans to go there.. hahaz.. but its an experience.. have to say..

well.. Rach is leaving for cedar point next year.. coming back for convo? dunno.. if not.. our group will have one person less.. hmmm.. that is a little disheartening.. last time PPT not ard.. now Rach not ard.. hmph...

there are so many pple going overseas.. Ivy.. Hui Mien, Michelle, Hui xin (i guess) .. dunno if they are coming back for Convo.. hmmm.. will miss them.. its a HR bonding thing is guess..

so we have to go and play ourselves crazy after the paper..! and the CT must have another seminar on the 18th? she is nuts man.. if its not a non-exam module.. and my project work matter to me.. i cant even b bothered with her..! bleachz..

Gers.. lets go for a karaoke session.. hahaz.. miss those crazy days we had man..

okies.. i hve wasted far too much time.. time to get back to my books.. unless the phone doesnt ring.. and my mail box dont flood with emails.. msn dun beep.. i should not be distracted.. hmph...

GAMBATTEH everyone...

2004-11-09T23:18:00.000+08:00

~ Enough of lazing ard, Joanne ~

Sighz.. i rested for so many days.. that the reality of me going back to my books hit me today... sighz.. friday went for HW's meeting.. sat went for blood donation (caused me to b low in iron.. = S) and then sun was literally wasting time at home.. monday went for the Mac Talk,. and now, its tuesday.. and time to study...

realised i need to cover 3 lectures a day so that i can go and help out for the event on sat.. wow.. can i do that?

really stressed.. not over the paper (though the stress level is increasing) but over the event.. scary eh.. i hope its all going on well.. its just a few more days to the launch of event..

well.. i m prepared to work 12 hours, 7 days a week.. the onli one i worried of is Dear.. he will sure complain about not having time for him... = ( oh well.. have to plan ba..

i even planned to go for a swim before going down to event on alternate days.. having FYP in the morning before the start of event.. think i m going to be dead tired.. haiz.. but i think i should enjoy myself.. though i will have bouts of complains here and there...

okie.. need to get back to my books... serious..

2004-11-03T20:32:00.000+08:00

~ One down.. 2 more tml~

okies.. PE down.. it was a madness exam.. my thumb almost broke down.. i need a speed writing course for this exam.. not a speed reading course..

oh well.. guess it went.. okie for my first 2 questions.. my last 2 questions.. sighz.. not time to elaborate.. i only attempted my last question which is 25 marks in my last half an hour.. wow.. its so stress.. but i think i m glad that my watch is faster by a few minutes.. then.. i panic in the beginning.. and forced myself to finish the paper..

i hope i can at least get a C best a B for this paper man.. sigh.. that is a bunch of crazy people who spotted the question correctly.. my goodness.. and there goes my A i think.. i just hope i dun get a D for this subject.. ppplllleeeaassseee... sighz..

okie.. off to my SM paper for tml.. i dunno wad to expect man.. aga aga know wad to do.. but just that insecurity that i may miss someting out.. but nevertheless.. still have to study.. okie.. tata~ i hope i wun regret wasting my time just now watching tv.. sighz.. i m still relaz huh.. wait till tml!

2004-11-01T01:31:00.000+08:00

~ its 1st Novemember...~

2 days later will be my PE exams.. and the next day.. SM exams.. den i will have a 1 week break.. then start studying for LTD..

this semester exams seem to be here fast and gone fast.. like after this week.. i will only be left with a paper..

scary.. becos i have yet to feel that the dates are drawing near.. stress level not there..

but good becos .. it is over and done with fast, without me able to dwell upon it..

tml will be meeting to discuss the case.. then off i will go revise for PE.. ensure that all i need to know.. i know..

will do that for tuesday as well.. and memorise a little of the case for thurs paper.. then i will b more or less done with my papers..

well.. hope the forces up there help to protect and bless me .. (oh well.. i m glad i m over my reglious dilemma.. i used to fight between christianity and buddhism.. because i m very expose to christianity but my family and i practices buddhism.. i seek to identify my identity, and i found faith in buddhism.. and believe in it.. = ) an accomplishment.. )

okie.. back to PE.. see how long i can take it..

2004-10-26T22:27:00.000+08:00

~ ahhhh!! its tuesday already.. and i m least aware of it! ~

nah.. not true.. i know time is slipping by.. like this very moment of me blogging my tots.. time is slipping me by... haiz..

but come to think of it. my nitemare will be over in ard.. 1 weeks time.. then i can party for 1 week before i settle down to study for another 1 week.. haiz..

BE POSITIVE..

wow.. ran ard sch today to print some additional notes.. hahaz.. took me ard 2 hours to jostle from LWN to Lib 2.. almost went all the way to CITS lab. but intend to just give it up as it is only 1 journal article.. hope i can access it later. VPN seems to be acting weirdly..

Friday gg to Gerhis khan.. (spelt wrongly..) wah.. thinking if i can enjoy myself.. since the case will release on fri.. and wed will be my paper.. hey gers! wanna group ourselves up? each of us do a chapter.. with lecture 1 being much fei chapter.. think we only need 11 pple to firm up the case..! how abt that??

okies okies.. back to my books.. argh.. books..here i come!

2004-10-24T01:27:00.000+08:00

~ one long sat without dear ~

yah.. he's in ophir.. i m coping quite well.. was very bz indeed..

everyone seems to be going for WAT (Wk and travel).. i seemed to miss out something..

oh well.. pple get to travel overseas.. to enjoy.. to tour.. to forget abt their burdens.. and just enjoy..

y cant i just leave this heavy burden behind.. and just head for someting relaxing.. but come to think of it.. will i have the resources? ha haz.. not at this stage of my life ba.. = S

seriously hope its tough for me first.. and luxiourious life after that.. dun mind working hard now though..

well.. in self-pity again.. all the best to those who are going for it... = )

BE POSITIVE!

2004-10-21T01:51:00.000+08:00

~ Start of my rigourous study regime ~

sighz.. sighz.. i m demoralised..

stayed at home the whole day.. and only managed to complete 2 chaps of SM? sighz.. die.. still got 2 chaps of PE before i can slp..

and here i m sipping red bull at 1am.. hope it helps.. dun really like coffees at nite.. no tea too.. sighz. weird me..

not looking forward to anything.. nothing on this weekend... with dear on his way to his ophir.. not that i dun allow him to go.. but.. must he choose this time slot of all time slots? when i need to unwind on a sat before i rejuvenate and propel for the week ahead.. sighz.. oh well.. it boils down to a selfish me i guess.. its me.. its always me.. y me? haiz.. = (

its only a day.. and i m starting to hate my SM text.. guess becos the notes and the text is not in sync.. it is all jumbled up all over the text.. spend most of my time.. reorganising the tots.. from books to notes.. and from notes to brains.. sighz.. though SM is an open book.. i tot i still need to read to understand the strategies of the local company.. sighz..

i m just an unhappy ger now. not sure y too. back aches.. headaches.. all the bad pains are back.. and i wonder y.. sighz.. and my chair has to go against me.. with the height not suitable for the table.. causing my back to ache.. and my shoulder sloughing..

back to my books.. still a long way ahead~ the nite is still young.. or is it the morn already.. hmph..

2004-10-18T11:58:00.000+08:00

~ End of presentation ~

finally.. all my presentations are done.. over.. no more nitemare.. cant believe i had a nitemare last nite regarding the presentation...

We were the first group.. and i think i was going thru in the rush.. stammered.. and murmured my things.. sigh.. i hope my individual presentation wun get affected...!

argh.. so boring.. got 2.5 hours to go.. and i dunno wad to do.. brought my PE notes.. but.. not very keen in looking at it eh.. sighz.. wad can i do now?

okies.. i have to go and find something to do.. Time to start studying...

2004-10-17T23:17:00.000+08:00

~ Last presentation of the semester! ~

it will be the last presentation of the semester for me. oh well.. finally everything is coming to an end. Just did my part for SM report.. aim to hand in on tuesday..

for the rest who will have presentations.. JIA YOU wor.. it will end soon!

oh well.. sat was a bad day for me.. having orientation for volunteers.. *have a shuai4 ge for orientation today yeh.. too bad.. he's one year younger! hahahz..* for 1.5 hours.. non-stop. but i should be thankful that they come in one after another.. and not interrupted each of them. oh well.. then there's this meeting for event. i was really very angry.. because half of me says i need to meet dear.. (i had been doing overtime for the past 3 weeks! i mean.. dear can wait for 1 week.. 2 weekS.. not 3..! we only meet once a week! not like we meet everyday! how come some pple dun understand that?! urgh...) and the other responsible me that states that i had to stay because its me i/c... argh...

dragged myself out of the meeting.. and went off to yishun. i was angry with dear too because he just couldnt understand where i m comng from.. if i die a year earlier.. it will be from the stressed i had!

gave a super long face.. because i was very tired... (slpt at 3am woke up at 7am to go to work..) sighz.. that the only thing i need is slp.. and he wans a movie instead (though he did ask..) so pull myself to the movies.. i din make any choice.. though he asked again.. and was annoyed. but dear went to buy the tickets.. without asking me.. i was surprised.. because he did not do it before.. because i know i need the movie to unwind.. but i dun wan to spend the money.. neither do i wan him to spend the money..sighz.. i expected that from my ex.. but he din understand that.. but dear understood... i am so glad.. he did that.. = )

i am always contradicting myself.. "i wan to go out.. but i need to study.." or "i wan to eat.. but i am not hungry.." or.. "i am hungry. but i dun wan to eat.." and everytime i do that.. i hope dear will just come in and do something.. to control my contradict-nes.. because i will be so confused myself.. i need some leadership.. its always my inner me and my responsibility fighting.. sighz.. that is so sickening..

so.. after the movie.. (white chicks.. farni show.. can be used for relaxing.. ) my mood got better.. everything else went smoother..

today.. i enjoyed my sunday.. i got some things done.. i completed my reports.. i watched some tv.. (oh yah! the sammi cheung show is SOO SOO touching.. wo de zuo yan kan dao gui.. the husband was looking after her for year after he passed away.. and din wan to tell her because he's using the body of another man.. who he thinks will take care of her better.. the most moving scene i feel was that.. when she tried to take her life.. her husband.. actually encouraged her to carry on with her life.. wow.. ) and watched pearl habour.. got some slp... okies.. that is a good day.. though i aimed to study.. but had yet to start..

okie.. ought to prepare for my presentation tml.. then i shall go take an early nite.. for once.. dun wan to be late for presentation tml.. all the best to everyone!!

2004-10-13T01:58:00.000+08:00

~ Touched : blog dedicated to Rach, PPT and Jo Tang! ~

Hahz, today is another of the crazy day we have..

my day started at 8.30 am where i woke up in shock, thinking i am late for HR costing test! (sad to say that i m going to fail it terribly. I seriously hope my project can pull up my grades.. if i get a C and the rest get a B, i know it is my fault. = (

then go for HR costing meeting.. slept during PE lecutre, crapped thru jo tang's presentation. WOo.. got a white horse in class today.. and its white literally.. can go advertise for bleaching company. may make a good ad man..

then come the crux of the day man.. after SM tutorial.. went to can B to help PPT order cake.. bought food and tea.. and we proceed to Rach's hall.. tt's where all the craziness come true...

we were seriously discussing our report, making admendments.. and finalising our presentation.. but.. there were laughter every now and then.. so farni.. but seriously.. this is one of the project group where i enjoyed meetings.. haahz..

then ppt says she wanted to watch movie.. i was like.. huh? so impromptu.. suddenly wan to watch movie.. and from 4.30 we are discussing project and deciding if we are serious in catching a movie.. and wat movie we want to catch. and at 8pm, we decided not to watch horror movie because jo tang is afraid of horror.. (who's not. hahz.) n decide its either the police show or terminal.

rach and ppt went to have dinner at JP.. jo tang went to my house to shower and hve dinner too.. so we met at 945.. (oops.. i know i m late.. enjoying my lotus soup ma.. = P) and we entered and the show started..

think we are the noisest bunch of pple.. right at the back of the theatre! i dun understand.. the crowd dun laugh when it is farni.. or amusing.. nor do they make any comments.. how can they watch movie without sound. but i guess PPT was quite embarrased that we made a lot of noise.. esp when we sorta have some sound system for pple sliding on wet floor. hahz.. only we understand. haz. but dun understand y ppt can laugh for so long.. hmph! probably my skin too thick! hahahz.

then there was this part where the employee refuse to work according to instructions.. hmm.. muttered to jo tang tat the org lacks employee buy-in. hahahz. that is true. a good example i think. hahaz.. zhou huo ru mo le...

then.. the show ended. they say they dun wan to keep my money as if my money is a counterfeit. hahz. but i know where they are coming from.. wow.. i din expect that gers!

dunno how to describe my feelings now. lost for words. i m touched.. but it is too superficial. i feel more than that.. moved? more.. haiz.. my english is not good.. but gers.. i appreciate it! ^_^ i will treat u all dinner if i got a bonus! *err.. currently no bonus though.. hahaz. treat u all drinks during breaks next time. okies!! dun reject my drinks okiez? = )

enjoyed myself so much today. soo much.. it is like long long time once.. treasured it!

lets go for more movies.. more dinners.. so fun!

wow.. i m exhausted. need my beauty slp. so that i can wake up at 7am tml to go to work!.

havent study yet. got powerpoint to settle. wow.. think i will have to balance.. = )

2004-10-07T22:40:00.000+08:00

~ its coming to the end of the week ~

Usually i will be very glad to come to the end of the week.. not sure y i m not very keen to approach this weekend.

I think probably because of HW. Sigh... i mean.. i have tonnes to do.. i feel that the time i m putting into HW increased, and no longer balance. It doesnt make sense for me a student who should place more empahsis on studies. Its my last year, i dont wish to screw anything up. One C/D this year, i will be very sad.

MUST WORK HARD!! GAMBATTEH!!

Probably my body cant take it too. I had been having headaches for the pass days. Wed (WHOLE DAY! i m not kidding.. ) i had migraine. It started in the morning, and i kept telling myself to get something to eat and then take my migraine med. It was 5pm when i finally pop-ed the pill into my mouth. i possibily suffered for 8 hours!

Somehow the migraine did not go away.. it lingered on. i wonder if my migraine med is strong enough. = S

today.. was late for my meeting because my alarm clock went dead. sighz. sad. then when i reached the meeting, my head was so painful that i just pop a pill in. it did get slightly better.. till ard 2-3pm.. wah.. those type of pain is like u accidently breathed in water, type of pain.. wah.. so painful that i wanted to cry man.. think it is the air in Free Access too dry.. i prevented myself from poping in another pill.. dun wan to rely on pain killers. the pain killer i m having is pretty strong if i m not wrong.. hmph.. and it is not working...

wah.. bad experience.. i scared.. this is one of the rare times that i concede to pain. Usually, i can easily brush off a headache.. only to realise it was a headache that was disturbing me the whole day. Either my threshold of pain got lower.. or the intensity of pain gets higher..

no use going to polyclinics.. the doc will just prescribe another pain killer for me. Once i went to see that doc..

the doc say..

"there are 2 kinds of headaches. one is the type where it is a normal headache u always experience.. it is just irritating.. but not severe. another type of headache is where its the worse headache you can have.. and if that is true, i will have to call the ambulance and send you to the hospital straight"

So scary..

I hope all the pain is just due to stress.. probably depression. hmph..

2004-10-03T14:51:00.000+08:00

~ dedicated for Cheok~

yesh.. ger.. u asked for this timex party..

its so ... mundane.. hahaz.. okie.. we (my friends and i) are mean..

JS and me met up with my friends late.. and we only get to the place at ard.. er.. 8pm ba.. my other 2 friends are there already.. so we had some food.. and some drinks. sit down there and talk lo..

the birthday ger is so bz.. running here and there.. so we guessed that we shall not disturb her.. and self-entertain.. got urselves a room to ourselves.. and start playing cards.. = P

by 9.30 we are done with the cake cutting and eating of cake.. my other 2 friends are leaving already.. (BTW.. ur parents should know them.. they went to their wedding.. hahaz .. the world is so small..) then we were saying that we wan to catch the bus.. we carried our bags outside.. and waited for the bus.. and once the bus comes.. we rushed to say goodbye and tried to catch the bus.. though i send 3 big guys to chase after the bus.. the bus still got away... hahahz

but i m thankful though.. hahaz.. with that.. we walked to changi village.. hopefully can catch some ren yaos.. but.. guess it is still early... so cant catch any.. we went to get some drinks.. and walked to changi beach..

oh well.. it ended there and den.. in sum.. the party is a chance to get together with the friends.. so okie la.. considering that Cheryl Tay postponed the deadline.. i have more space to breathe.. and more time to err.. play.. = P

it was a great time.. vincent, bh and yh together.. amazingly interesting and amusing.. hahaz.. can suan.. i cant believe that vincent was my CI last time.. and here i m to suan him..hahahz.. tha t is so interesting.. still remember calling him "Sir Kok Eye".. (his name is kok wai) hhahaha

i think i m blessed to have this group of friends in NPCC.. we grew up together.. from sec 1 till now.. at least with yh then.. then.. get to know each other when i was in J1.. that was like.. err.. 4 years ago? wow.. i hope this group can continue to blosom.. = )

not forgetting another group of friends in NTU HRC.. had fun during the birthday party.. and during class and breaks.. during project group meetings.. laughing while we get our job done..

another group in Heartware.. wow... amazing pple...

After so many years in school.. this 3 groups of friends are still my cloest friends.. i din treasure the rest.. so i shall treasure them now... hmmm.. = )

2004-10-03T14:41:00.000+08:00

~ its a sunday afternoon... hot and boring..~

my boy is walking in the woods at macritchie.. and ask me to blog since i m so bored.. cant believe his lifestyle.. think he is more tired over the weekends then during weekends.. weekdays so relax in office.. can fall asleep somemore.. weekends.. chiong like no other's business.. probably can consider going into SAF as non-uniform officer? hahaz..

nevertheles.. i m so bored.. okie.. Marketplace is seriously getting on my nerves.. it is getting soooo.. irritating... argh! just wish to get over and done with.. we are just 5/7 done.. 2 more quarters.. and i will wash my hands off it.. regardless if it is a good ending or not.. hmph!

tml i have my advance theory test..havent study yet.. uh oh... going to start studying soon.. then.. havent start on my UA article.. think i will start probably tonite.. or tml wee hours.. hahaz.. havent study my hr costing yet.. okie.. going to start studying soon...

HR costing report is out.. have to send to the company to vet.

To Ivy: its not that we want to do so fast yeh.. we have to send to the company to vet .. so no choice.. i was having my peek week last week! = ) but i got over it... u will too...

Well.. now the semester is slowing down for me.. i have more heartware stuff to clear.. boss keep loading me with things.. though i find it challenging.. but sometimes it is too over-whelming.. haiz.. but i m pleased with the trust he has on youths.. not all adults will think that u can do big stuff.. he's one of the rare pple who trust youths.. as long as u dun let him down.. okie.. with that.. i shall try to do my best then..

okie.. its almost 3pm.. and having a darn headache because i think either the weather or i slept too much.. hmph! but.. i m determined to get my full rest before i start to fight again next week!

GAMBATTEH!

2004-10-01T01:50:00.000+08:00

~ 生体快撑不住了~

Think i m falling sick too.. i m not sure.. there are certain signs.. like cold and hot alternating.. headache and sort.. nvm.. i think i will just allow my body to fall sick.. have sufficient rest. then come and fight again...

anyway.. so touched!

Was in sch doing T and D write up till ard 10pm plus.. msn rach telling her that i m going home. if dun see me online within an hour, must call police liao.. i came home.. took my dinner.. talk cock with yh for a while.. switched on my com without internet connection.. then i see my hp ring at 11pm.. Rach called to ask me if i m home..! wah.. so touched.. other then my parents and bf, so far.. no other friends so committed to do that.. was pleasantly surprised! thank you ger! = )

I m done with t n d.. waiting for ppt's table.. and other pple's part... done with HR costing.. probably help jo tang if she have prob compiling..sm stimulation.. almost done.. now left with SM report... UA article (fortunately, only to hand in on wed), HR costing test which are outstanding.. office-wise.. also almost there laz.. i finished all at a shot from 11am - 3 am this morn..

To my friends who are working hard on reports out there.. dun worry! as long as u split the report into parts, u will feel that the project is moving.. and it will be completed even before you feel it! so.. dun worry.. u are still doing fine! = )

okie.. though i m alert today.. because i woke up 1130 today, n never go to T&D seminar.. wah.. that 4 hr break really rejuvenated me. First time in a long long while.. i have time to have breakfast leisurely.. watch some tv in the morn.. slow down my pace for a while. and sort.. then had a cup of coffee at 1pm.. 1 cup of tea at 6pm.. and another coffee at 8pm.. think caffine overdose..

so.. i ought to listen to signs from my body? or just carry on? hmm.. not sure.. dun feel like accumulating work.. hmph.,

2004-09-30T02:28:00.000+08:00

:: Time flew pass me without me noticing ::

Wow.. it is amazing how time flew pass me.. it is already 2.30am in the morn! wow.. amazing..

okie.. long time since i last blog.. monday.. err.. y so bz ah? dun remember.. but tuesday because of SM presentation rehearsal in the morning.. and T n D meeting in the afternoon.. totally tired out.. today have to go work.. and here i m .. 230 in the morn..

Presentation went well.. glad that the professor like out colour scheme..and the colour of rubber band! hahahz... i wasnt as nervous when i saw nodding heads.. and some smiles.. must thank the class for being supportive! = ) Must also thank dear for asking how was my presentation .. it helps to bring up my day.. because it showed that he remembered!

T n D meeting.. was again.. hilarious.. i have always enjoyed T n D meetings.. though the project is like shit. I like the time line and the time we spend laughing at each other.. joking with each other.. though sometimes i feel a little out of place.. but i think they are a great bunch of groupmates to work with! .. we are neither too late nor too early for our report. glad that we are fast.. and that we will not be stressed at the later part of the semester! i m glad.. = )

worried for cheok's and ivy's group though. hope A star will grant an interview.. or sentosa replies.. dun worry gers.. everything wil be fine! = )

Anyway.. to side track..yesterday was Mid-autumn festival! Happy mid-autumn festival everyone! this year's the worse mid-autumn i have man.. i did not even have the chance to taste moon cake.. hahaz.. and it flew pass me.. AGAIN!

Oh well.. today boss just came back from US. Got everyone a key chain. mine was a mickey mouse one with my name on it.. hahaz.. nevertheless.. i think it was almost a firing squad in the morn when he just came in. So worried i will kena too.. whew..

i understand his fustration. I can see his problems.. but i also dunno how to go about solving the problem.. hmmm... this really sets my brains thinking.. racking all the HR theories i had learnt and try to put it into practice..

talking about that.. i m on the Dean's List.. for .. Professional Attachment! hahahahahz..

i almost fell off the chair when i saw that... Cheok notified me first.. then i was.. huh? PA got dean's list one ah?.. hahaz.. i mean.. wad's so great to be on the dean's list for PA? if it is some other modules we have..proabably more significant... but PA.. then i was mentioning to cheok that probably i should not hate my PA firm that much anymore since they helped me to get into dean's list.. hahaz.. i think it is a joke on its own.. hahaz.. hmm.. i wonder wad's the criteria like..

okie.. was so bz typing away.. thinking of skipping T and D tml. sorry gers! really think that it is not value adding at all.. wasting my time there.. i did not thought of skipping till jo tang mentioned it to me.. i mean.. 4 hours! i can finish reading dunno how many journals.. probably finish the HR costing assignment as well! hahz.. seriously no time to play or watsoeva.. must utilise time to my best ability

okie.. back to reading articles! though i had a cup of coffee at 10pm.. it is not working.. my eyes are closing as i type.. so dizzy the pass few days.. if jo tang did not send me home on tuesday... think i may have fainted on my way home.. because.. i think.. hunger ba.. pple got hunger pangs.. i have dizzy pangs.. hahaz.. came home had a bottle of brand's essence.. and i think it might have helped without me knowing.. dunno..

think i better go and read some articles.. or else cannto hand in by sunday. Anyway.. Joseph asked for an extension of deadline.. shall we support?

2004-09-27T01:28:00.000+08:00

~ Its a SUNDAY.. its MONDAY tml! ~ BOO HOO HOO ~

ok.. its monday morning.. haiz.. was feeling so slugish that i dun feel like doing anything..

i practically slept through my sunday. think i position my sunday as my slping day. wahaha..

woke up in the morn.. then went to the temple to pray.. pray that i can cope with all the things i have on hand.. pray that i wun fail my SM and PE.. and ultimately LTD~ hope my prayers will be answered.

Then came home.. practically slept.. i mean.. i tried to read the papers.. but somehow.. i just wan to slp.. with that perfect weather for slping man.. and there goes my day till ard 645pm. then i woke up.

wash-up, then start SM marketplace discussion. wah..that STUPID tactical plan! wasting my time and effort. dunno wat to do with it sia~ pek chek.. havent had dinner.. boo hoo hoo..

okie.. i had dinner already..but just dun feel full.. = ( then having headache while discussing SM. wah..that is pretty irritating.. coupled with MP.. even more irritating.. hahz..

then.. i still felt so slugish.. dun feel like doing anything.. just wish to be a couch potato, and lie on my bed watching tv. (though nothign on tv).. but i scolded myself.. that it is a pure case of wasting time.. argh~

now.. come to think of it.. i think it is my headache that causes the reluctant-ness in me.. that goes to say how much i understand myself.. haiz..

dun feel like gg to YL party. so tired.. so many assignement due.. i just wish to stay at home to recuperate after a long week.. but.. c how laz.. probably will just go due to peer pressure~ hmph!

HR COSTING Tml.. sighz.. that spoils the whole day. but come to think of it.. i think only the morn is spoilt... sm lectures are interesting.. and dun have mtgs, wad so eva.. okie.. that probably meant that tml will be an okie day..

shoo shoo monday blues.. things will be alrite~

2004-09-23T17:38:00.000+08:00

~ i am getting over it.. i hope ~

Okie.. its a day after the terrible nite... and i hope i m getting over it. though i m still not realli motivated to go home.. i m unsure..

this morn.. think my mum clarified with me y they drank the soup. so called that i did not say i m gg home for dinner.. and they claimed that they did not know that i wanted to drink the soup..

misunderstanding? not sure.. but i m tired.. and i dun wan to talk abt it..

today's presentation was.. okie ba.. WX commented it was good job.. probably because we commented that his was a good job too.. 礼上往来

哇！不知道可以用华语来沟通。。。想我的华语退步了。。好神奇啊!!

haha.. back to english.. i think i can key so much faster.. hahahz...

okie... with one presentation down.. think we are working to a better week..

the weekend is coming.. and i m elated.. dunno y.. but i m feeling very light hearted... oh well.. haha.. back to work.. work.. work...

2004-09-23T01:44:00.000+08:00

~ I hate my life ~

I started my day at 8am, wash up and went to office by 9.45am. Slogged.. and slogged.. ta bao lunch.. so that i can do something .. like reading journal articles for T and D while my colleagues are out for lunch.. went to buy choco bread at 7 -11 for dinner.. and everyone took my bread for snack.. = ( only jon bought me a bowl of kway teow. ~touched~

then start SM meeting in office. Wasnt too bad.. was efficient, and productive.. we ended ard 10pm at the office.

Reach home 11pm. Parents asked if i had my dinner. i replied no. Saw a bowl of soup on the table.. tot i can have soup for dinner.. so i say i'll just have soup..

switched on tv, watched Amazing Race 5. commercial, realised that the soup was gone.. and there isnt any food left for me. = (

i was thorough upset.. leading on for me to hate my life.. haiz..

upset becos someone in my family drank my soup though i commented that i was hungry.. i suspect is my dad..

upset becos i am so tired.. working so late everyday.. slept later then my parents.. woke up easlier than them.. but that is wad i got.

upset becos i have to earn $$ to support my family. with my dad gg on cant find a job.. i may have to increase the family allowance.. implies that i will have lesser $ for my self..

upset becos some friends took $$ from parents.. and i have to give my parents $$ instead.. at the age of 21.. when i m still studying... even my grandparents send my dad thru Uni.. and i hve to suffer this way...

this caused me to cry in the toilet.. AGAIN.. becos i dun dare to let them know that i m upset..

Wad irony..

they did not bother abt me.. whether i had my meals.. whether i m tired.. whether i m overworked..

have been surviving on red bull and coffee for the past 3 days, and many days to come.. i doubt my body can take it.. sometimes i wish i would fall sick.. and rest, with some attention..

Am i a spoilt brat, asking for attention?

my tears are not dried yet. more to flow~

BUT

I have to stop it. no time to wallow in self pity when i have a presentation tml, and lit review untouched.

can i take it? probably it is all in the mind..

2004-09-20T01:14:00.000+08:00

... its a Monday already ...

oh well, i have to face reality.. it is Monday.. there will be a dreadful HR costing later on.. oh well.. sighz..

Oh well.. ivy.. be prepared.. i had not done any preparation for tml's case. i will try to do it later.. oh well.. its 1.15 already.. wonder how late is the later..

okie.. everything will come back and haunt me again. I had a week free of..

1. Marketplace (wow..that is a breather man)
2. Mother Goose..
3. cases to read..
4. places to go.. boo hoo..

i did not go out much for this week.. it is a horrible week filled with interviews.. but i m glad that our presentation will soon be over..and reports too.. and then before i know it. it will be the exams..

sighz.. after receiving the networking letter.. i felt more stressed.. i have to maintain it. or else.. sighz.. so.. i can go it man..

as Raymond mentioned..

I can do it!

As Sian always says..

it is all in the mind..

I hope i dun disappoint them.. sob sob...

2004-09-17T20:22:00.000+08:00

It has been a Stress-FULL week !!

sigh.. it is friday.. sigh.. it is friday... sigh.. it is friday...

i m always to happy when it is a friday.. however, not this time round.

That IDIOTIC CRITIQUE PAPER ruin my holidays. Whenever i wish to take a break.. there's always this nagging sensation that i havent completed my CRITIQUE PAPER! How irritating..

ok. it is my fault for procrastinating my stuff.. my fault.

Went to SIA for interview in the morn. the lady was nice, though she looked fierce. she is a fellow NTU grad too.. so she felt obligated to help us out! how nice to have seniors around! = ) Teck Wee is also our snr too! so.. that inspired me to be a good snr as well! hahaz.. if i have a chance to be a good snr. Think HW is no place for interview. hahaz.

on my way back.. jo tang started to suspect if i am able to complete my CRITIQUE PAPER tonite.

I AM GOING TO DO IT JOANNE..

hahaz.. feels weird calling her joanne here.. then wad am i? haha.. lame..

then start to work on tml's orientation. Somehow i wished that no one turn up for the orientation.. so that i'll be stress-free.. neh...

sigh.. reminds me that i have to bring my Hammie to see the doc. Her tail grew something.. and i suspect her teeth are too long for her. she cant seem to bite.. Needs to be trimmed. Hope it is not too painful for her.. heartache sia.. hahaz.. ($$ gone.. hahaha.. joking.. hammie's health is key!)

oh yah.. i received the networking letter. The rest too? They need a photo. i think need to take some professional shoot. how? shit. ($$ gone again) gg to make name cards for this man.. though HW willing to employ me.. but i need to see if i m marketable in the world out there rite? Just try la. no harm ma..

okie.. i need a motivating factor to get me started on my critique paper.

Like.. i dunno.. hmph!

2004-09-14T13:32:00.000+08:00

Its the second day of my holidays

Just a fast blog.. blog down my police interview yesterday with Teck Wee.. he's such a nice person.. he went thru the interview patiently.. though i was seh2 and asked stupid questions.. well.. he seems to be promoting SPF.. and it sounded like a good place to work in..

after the interview.. i tot .. wow.. SPF will be a great place to work in.. it is like.. got investigative work.. got to help the public.. so i asked him how is he working in SPF.. and that SPF sounded fun..

his reply: "Fun? no.. not fun at all"

hahaz.. i was surprised.. but i also understand.. its the civil service..

he mentioned that he worked long hours.. 8/9am - 9/10 pm! wow.. that is EXTREMELY long hours.. then.. there's shift work.. compensation wise.. probably not as good as private sector.. hahaz.. then he say you have to have A LOT of passion in Policing then u join SPF.. or else.. it is a tiring profession.. no wonder he says that it is an "overwork, underpaid" job...

hmm.. looking at him.. i understood wad he meant .. he looked tired.. with bloodshot eyes.. and eye bags! hahaz.. with little hair left.. (joking la.. think he jus have a high forehead) hahaz..

that poor thing have to go back to work after we left at 8pm.. without dinner? not sure..

hahz.. but it is good catching up with him.. did some chatting regarding sch.. and NTU HRC.. He mentioned that HRC guys are quiet..! hahaz.. when i told him abt MR R.. he say.. probably it is his part time job as a fish monger.. hmm.. hahaz.. so positive! haha.. but it is a very good interview, as everything it detailed.. with supporting notes (financial report of SPF)

then we went home.. i asked jo tang.. wad can i eat in the MRT.. we think think think.. and

we said: "Sweets!" Together!

hahahaz. Probably Joannes have something in common.. hahz

2004-09-13T01:23:00.000+08:00

I wrapped up marketplace at 2359!

oh well, yah.. i wrapped up at 2359. think there is a technical error. sighz.. i was in cold sweat when i realised that. now that i had cooled down.. i m still dazed..

nothing much to say actually.. was quite disappointed that Dear went off to slp before i can talk to him abt my day.. but.. i understand.. he has to work tml.. not like me.. can slp till slightly later..

my week is like SHIT.

Mon: SM, FYP, Police Interview]

Tues: LTD

Wed: Working

Thurs: Shell meeting in the afteroon.. probably Meeting SM/FYP in the morning

Fri: Tentatively still a free day. But have to do HR costing assignment (think too late to do by then rite?)

Sat: Working and Monday Blues

Sun: HUGE Monday BLUES... BOO HOO...

Oh well.. i know there are pple out there that has a worse week then me.. well..hate it. y cant professors be more understanding? ESP HR costing and LTD.. one has assignments all the time.. the other asking me to do mini FYP. ARGH..

think my mood swing is back.. that is not good..

have to return to my books and papers.. have not thought of Heartware's work yet..

sighz.. save me..

2004-09-11T22:56:00.000+08:00

It had not been a good Saturday

Sighz.. today.. things just dun go rite.. i know partially it is my fault.. but.. sighz...

i went to work today.. and was quite bz at work.. such that i was quite tired.. hence i was looking forward to chill out at Dear's place.. probably to watch La Bi Xiao Xing or SNTC... or probably just lay back and rest.. play some computer games.. watch some tv.. or DVDs.. i expected it to be a lazy afternoon, since i had a bz week.

However, Dear was at Orchard, called me and asked if i wanted to shop or go back. I wanted to check out the Topshop top.. since i have the vouchers.. so i tot, probably we just drop by orchard's Topshop den head to Dear's house.. that was ard 1230.

However, at ard 1.2opm, i was tired. i seriously wanted to go take a rest.. however, i asked Dear to wait for me at orchard for the past hour, i cant just asked him to go home rite? he will kill me.. hence, i told him that i will be going over to orchard soon. However, he asked me if i wanted to go to the marathon clinic at Swissotel.

I thought: Since Topshop is at Suntec, the clinic will not take so long.. y not just pop by and see wad they offer..

tired.. and rushed to City Hall.. dear immediately brought me to the convention hall.. despite knowing that i had not have my lunch. i wasnt in the mood to eat.. partly becos i had a lot of things on my mind, and the clinic is not the first thing on my mind.. but nevertheless.. since the clinic was about to start.. we went ahead with the first session...

the first session was quite okie.. the speaker was quite entertaining, though i wasnt interested a bit. i was reading the teenage mag.. provided by Dear.. oh well.. and my stomach was grumbling..

I wanted to grab some food.. so after the first session i wanted to go grab some food at the food court.. but dear wanted to come along.. so off we went to have my lunch. Lunch was a hasty one.. just finish.. but i wasnt satisfied.. i dunno y... but dunno wad else to eat.. i wanted to shop ard.. walk ard.. since the third talk will be abt 4pm, and it was ard 3.20 then.. but we headed back to the convention hall straight.. to my dismay of course..

then we joined the second session halfway.. i was very bored, as non of the stuff is applicable to me. i played my hp game.. till i got bored too.. then i took out my PE notes.. i could not concentrate because the speaker's voice was disturbing.. i could not absorb.. fustrated.. i believe i wasted my time.. it was 4pm then. the second session ended.

i went off to shop on my own ard raffles city shopping centre. the third talk should end by 4.30pm. at 4.45pm, i was so happy as i was already bored walking ard, and dear had my purse. i cant purchase anything, even if i wanted to. i thought that dear will be done soon, but.. no call.. i checked my phone.. but.. neh.. no call.. i reckoned that he wasnt done.. i walked even more.. i was very tired by then.. my temperature starts to rise.. and by the time he called, it was ard 5 plus.. i was fustrated, upset, and felt that i wasted my whole afteroon.. i could have just worked or studied in the office.. Mas and company will still be there.. there will be at least 3 hours of productive work! sighz..

i lost my paitience when i saw him.. sighz.. i think i was having mood swing. i knew it..i told myself that i m having mood swing.. and i should not flare.. i should keep it under control.. but.. i just could not control any further.. sighz.. i flared.. i was angry..sighz.. i was so angry that i wanted to throw my stuff on the floor in the middle of city link, and wanted to shout at him in the middle of suntec.. i was gg crazy.. so i tot the best is to qurrantine myself.. before anything goes wrong..

sighz.. guessed dear think that i was ignoring him.. i was.. infact.. once i saw his face.. reminds me that i wasted my time.. reminds me that i was suppose to rest.. reminds me that this will be the only shopping trip i may have for the rest of the semester.. reminds me that i should have gone to Sian's chalet instead.. and reminds me that he bombed all.. because of his marathon clinic that i wasnt interested in...

oh well.. i have cooled down.. i think i m in the wrong too..because i did not keep my cool.. because i flared at him.. because i did not tell him that i needed to be qurrantined.. because i was selfish, and wanted for only myself to gain..

but.. he wasnt totally off the hook too.. he told me the talk will be 1-2 hours.. my jaw almost touch the floor liao.. and he took 3 hours.. and only skipped a little.. he sat thru all! sighz.. he promised me a quite and lazy afternoon.. but it turned out to be a tiring shopping cum marathon clinic.. sighz..

this blog helps me to analyse wad had happened.. everything builds up.. cant think properly.. was MAD.. it got me so mad. that i was holding back tears on my way back home.. that was so embarrassing.. i dunno y it hurts me so badly.. probably i recalled that it might be such a perfect afternoon, and we spolit it.. thinking of others who are actually enjoying themselves at this very moment, and i was at my rock bottom.. to think that it is the only sat that i can rest and enjoy myself.. and it turned this way.. think that he could not find a time to accompany me while he can take offs for his kayaking courses.. to think that he actually blames me for not topping up MY concession card which HE uses.. sighz.. all things come together.. i became irrational..

sighz.. there goes my saturday.. = (

2004-09-09T18:39:00.000+08:00

Hi all, i am in Rach's Hall

Hi, i am in Rach's Hall bitching ard... suppose to go to our group's dinner.. but in the end.. they have something on.. so here i am.. blogging at Rach's room! hahaz..

had been some times since i blogged.. was very busy these days that i was immoblised .. lying on my bed.. too tired to move.. even to read.. cant process..

talking abt names now.. imagine.. if your husband's surname is Wu, and ur son is called Hou Dai.. issit that sad?

Now, imagine again.. your daughter's name is si wen.. and her dad's name's surname is Zhuang..

oops.. haha.. that was our constant joke.. just like Mr R = Fisherman and CT=Mother Goose.. wahahha..

okie.. the break is coming.. i m loosing my mind..